SO FOR THE FIRST TIME in six years, I'm celebrating Labor Day by ... not working.
At first, this seemed pretty bloody cool. Since I now have Mondays off at the office, I'd get to put the holiday "in the bank" while still getting to do all the things I normally do on a Monday. This Monday, I had plenty of things planned -- I was going to take down all these boxes of books down to the library, take care of some financial transactions I needed to do, and so on.
Then I realized everyone else had the day off.
All the Government institutions will be closed. All the banks will be closed. The national financial markets will be closed. Plus, a lot of private businesses will be closed, or have reduced hours. As Loyal Rant Readers might expect, this realization was accompanied by a particular nine-letter profanity.
I mean, crikey. I'm not gaining a holiday, I'm losing a good productive day. Even worse, there's no football. So what the hell am I supposed to do, anyway? Go fishing? Have a barbecue? Enjoy the bounty and goodness of a late summer day? Please. You think I'm back home in Michigan? I don't have a canoe or fishing gear, I don't have a grill or a patio, and if I go outside I'll end up wheezing due to the hay fever, and --
What's that? Fried clams? Chowder? A coffee frappe? Say, that's a pretty good idea. OK, so I'll spend my labor day chilling out after I go out and have a high-quality, old-fashioned New England lunch. Yeah, that's the ticket. Also I will -- eh, I'll vacuum the apartment or something. It may be a holiday, but it's still Monday.
OK, SO IT'S HALFTIME and the No. 10 University of Louisville Cardinals are beating the hapless Murray State Racers 63-10. Yes, that's right. Louisville has managed to rack up nine touchdowns in the first half. You've got to love the first week of college football.
With a few exceptions, I always root for the underdog in these early games of the season, just because I think it would be fabulous if one of them actually managed to knock off a school that in all likelihood paid the underdog hundreds of thousands of dollars to appear. That goes double if the favorite is a ranked team, because that will mean one less competitor to challenge the University of Michigan for the national title. And although I detest the SEC and would almost never root for any of its teams (except Vanderbilt), I enjoyed it last year when the No. 23 Tennessee Volunteers crushed the No. 9 California Bears in the season opener. Especially because Lee Corso had picked the Bears as the year's putative national champions.
Oops.
There will be no such knock-outs tonight. I have been rooting for the Mississippi State ... uh ... Bulldogs to defeat the evil LSU Tigers in a first-week SEC game, but that looks very unlikely at this point, because the Bulldogs' quarterback sucks. Amazingly, here in the opening minutes of the third quarter, LSU is only up 17-0, even though the Bulldogs QB threw FOUR interceptions in the first half and LSU spent practically the entire game in the Bulldogs' territory. Oops -- now it's 24-0. Shit.
Still, while this may seem like a stomping -- and in a way, it is -- it really isn't, because LSU should have scored about 50 points in the first half, and the Bulldogs' defense played really well, all things considered. In short, this isn't the type of play one would expect from the nation's No. 2 ranked team. I can only chalk it up to the fact that the SEC sucks, and LSU particularly sucks, and I hope they lose to ... uhhh ... crikey, look at this powder puff schedule these guys have. It's not nearly as pathetic as Wisconsin, but still. Anyway, I hope they lose to Florida, because even though I hate Florida, it could shut up LSU boosters for as long as 48 hours.
Now let's look at the other scores. Third quarter: Louisville 70, Murray State 10. Oooooh. C'mon, Murray State! No. 16 Rutgers ... oh, wait, I like Rutgers, so never mind. Cincinnati 59, SE Missouri State 3. Yeeeouch. No. 24 Boise State 42, Weber State 0. Boy, it's not even half-time in that one. Where the hell is Weber State, anyway? What's that? It's in Ogden, Utah? Well, that's explains why -- oh, here's their Web site. Uh oh. It looks tragically hip and with it -- that can't be a good sign.
Anyway, like I said, no knockouts tonight. But hope springs eternal. So this weekend, you'll find me rooting for the Washington State Cougars and the Oklahoma State Cowboys and the East Carolina Pirates and the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers and the Youngstown State ... uh, Penguins? The Penguins? Are you kidding me?
Boy. Oh, and look, the Bulldogs QB threw ANOTHER interception. And now it's 31-0. Will someone please stick a fork in this guy?
UPDATE: I mean, TJ on the Sonic commercials is throwing better than this guy. Jumbo popcorn chicken, everybody!
LOYAL RANT READERS know I am not much of an outdoors person. This is because the wild contains all sorts of things I would rather avoid, such as angry woodland creatures, mosquitoes, non-potable water, mosquitoes, rather nasty diseases and mosquitoes. Still, even I about choked on my Diet Cherry Coke when I read this wretched story about upscale "camping" trips from the Los Angeles Times:
GREENOUGH, Mont. -- When 6-year-old Ethan Bondick told his mom and dad he wanted to go fly-fishing in Montana, his well-heeled parents were stumped."We looked at each other and said, 'Oh, God, now what?' " said Gigi Bondick, 37, of Massachusetts.
"We're just not the camping kind of people. We don't pitch tents. We don't cook outdoors. We don't share a bathroom. It's just not going to happen," she said. "This is a kid who has never flown anything but first class or stayed anywhere other than a Four Seasons."
After typing "luxury" into a Google search along with "camping" and "Montana," the couple settled on The Resort at Paws Up, a 37,000-acre getaway in the heart of Big Sky country. It's a place for affluent travelers who want to enjoy the outdoors but can't fathom using a smelly outhouse.
The Bondicks, who live in a sprawling home outside Boston and hire a personal chef at home, shelled out $595 a night, plus an additional $110 per person per day for food.
It's a hefty price to sleep in a tent, but the perks include a camp butler to build their fire, a maid to crank up the heated down comforter at nightfall and a cook to whip up bison rib-eye for dinner and French toast topped with huckleberries for breakfast.
The number of visits to U.S. national parks is declining, but "glamping," or glamorous camping, is on the rise in North America after gaining popularity among wealthy travelers in Africa and England, where luxury tents come with Persian rugs and electricity to power blow dryers.
I suppose my thoughts on this can be summed up as follows: these people are completely insane.
I mean, I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, my brother and I Most Certainly Did Not get to decide where the Kepple family went on vacation. We went where Mr and Mrs Kepple decided we were going, and that was that. True, the vacations were all extremely enjoyable, and we went to some pretty cool places, but that does not take away from the point that the kids were not in charge. Furthermore, the idea the kids would be in charge would have sent my parents into hysterics. (In fact, I think it still does*).
So the fact the Bondicks -- who would be from Massachusetts -- actually spent precious vacation time on a faux-camping trip at their son's direction leaves me -- I don't know, a bit stunned. It shouldn't, I know, because these people clearly have more money than sense. I mean, the fact the mother is actually named Gigi -- oh dear -- is telling enough in that regard, but the fact they went camping even though they're not camping people is just weird.
Besides, if you're actually going to go camping, you may as well rough it and teach the boy a bit about the joys of material sacrifice, self-discipline and wanton suffering. For a boy, these are good things to learn, because they will help him adapt to the uncaring, cruel and unpleasant world that awaits him. As amazing as it may seem to many people these days, the real world requires that one develop these types of survival skills or one will be ground into the dust. So they may as well start teaching the kid now. Then, they could move on to more advanced lessons in survival, such as flying coach. It would suck at first, but before too long the kid would get excited at the little joys in life, such as when they serve the red snack box. (Yay red snack box!)
Of course, I should note that I don't begrudge the parents any of their expenditures. They're adults, after all, and it's their money. If they want a cook (that's the old name for a "personal chef") and weekly maid service and all that fun stuff, then that's their business. If they want to spend $900 a night on a camping trip that's not really a camping trip, that's their business. In fact, generally speaking, I like it when the rich spend a great deal of money on overpriced things. That spending boosts the economy, which boosts the stock market, which boosts my bottom line. I approve of things that boost my bottom line. So I encourage the rich to spend. Come on, spend. I'm not getting any younger here and I've only got 29 years, five months and change before I retire. Chop chop!
However, while I approve of adults spending on a profligate basis, I don't see why they extend that to their young children. At the rate the Bondicks are going, before they know it their boy will announce that he's skipping college and heading off to Europe backpacking. (Quelle horreur!) It doesn't help the kid become self-sufficient and it doesn't help him learn that he's going to have to work to earn his keep. Once that lesson gets lost in the shuffle, the specter of downward mobility can't be far behind.
(via The Bitch Girls)
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* As evidenced by the fact my father still refuses to let me buy he and Mom dinner.
THE RANT WOULD like to extend our heartfelt sympathies to the Houston Astros fan who paid $300 for great seats at Minute Maid Park and had the in-field cameras focused on him for his marriage proposal to his beloved. After going down on one knee and presenting her with the ring, she looked surprised. Then she looked angry. Then she dumped her popcorn over his head and stormed out of the stadium.
The identity of the unlucky suitor wasn't immediately known, but if you ask me, it sounds as if the guy dodged a bullet. A really big bullet. One can only hope the guy will do the smart thing now, and go on national television to gain the respect and admiration he deserves. Not only will that mean Valuable Prizes and Other Consideration, it will almost certainly get him at least a few dates. So, I hope the Houston Astros fan will snap out of what must be an awful case of depression and realize that, you know, people like him and stuff.
BUD LIGHT'S "REAL MEN OF GENIUS" advertising campaign is perhaps one of the funniest commercial campaigns I've heard in ages. Proof of this can be seen in the fact the commercials have been running for seven years now -- and they're still really funny. Scroll down on this page for one of my favorites: "Mr Hot Stock Tip Giver Outer."
SO I WAS SURFING around the Internet tonight and I stumbled across the story of a Kansas City couple who have admitted to the world they are in dire need of a financial makeover. They get one courtesy of The Kansas City Star. Interestingly enough, though, the reporter on the story lets go unchallenged one particular datum from their financial health-chart. See if you can guess which one it is:
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ASSETS:
Cash and cash equivalents, $4,615;
retirement savings, $16,220;
cars, $10,000;
home, $142,040;
personal property, $50,000.
TOTAL: $222,875
LIABILITIES:
Credit cards, $62,410;
student loans (currently in deference), $45,000;
mortgage, $132,015.
TOTAL: $239,425
NET WORTH: ($16,550)
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I'm sure you've guessed it, because it's so blooming obvious -- that ridiculous $50,000 number for personal property. Nor am I the only one to question this: over at Boston Gal's Open Wallet, where I found the story, Boston Gal herself also raises an eyebrow:
Just like the last Kansas Star Money Makeover couple, this one seems to have a large dollar figure for "personal property" which may not be very realistic. Either that or giving myself just $5,000 for everything I own is vastly under valuing my personal property...
I for one doubt that Boston Gal is undervaluing her own personal property, just because personal property has a way of depreciating far more quickly than one might otherwise hope.
I myself only value my own personal property at $1,000. In part, this is because I don't have a lot of stuff, but it's also because the stuff I do have has depreciated to the point of no return. For instance, the computer desk on which I'm writing has a broken drawer and a whole bunch of scratches from moving. I bought it new at $200; if I ever get rid of it, it's free for the taking to anyone who will just pick the damn thing up.
I also have a nice leather recliner in my apartment bought new at $500 or so. I'd be lucky to get $75 for it at this point. The davenport/futon, which I bought for $300 new, is probably worth about $20. (It's been used). My swell new television, which I bought a while back, also for $300, is also probably worth about $50. My books and CD collection are great but their resale value is practically nil. You see where I'm going with this -- if I was lucky, I could get $1,000 for the contents of my apartment.
So to be perfectly blunt, if this family has $50,000 in personal property, I'm the Queen of England. And about the only way they could get $50,000 for their personal property is if Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor suddenly stumbled upon the scene with a zany, madcap plan to evade the federal authorities and get out of Kansas City. Something like this:
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GROVER: That's a bad sofa! Give you $700 for it!
MAN: It's yours!
GROVER: Pay the man.
GEORGE: What!
GROVER: Pay the man!
GROVER: Give you $300 for the coffee table!
MAN: Sold!
GROVER: Pay the man!
GEORGE: These plans of yours are getting awfully expensive!
MAN: I've got a television here if you want it.
GEORGE: No, we're fine!
MAN: You want this Cuisinart?
GEORGE: NOTHING!
MAN: Can't blame a man for trying!
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So, knowing nothing other than the numbers presented above, it seems to me it would make sense to adjust the family's personal property number significantly downward. $10,000 would seem generous, and $5,000 is probably more on target. That also makes their financial picture far more dire -- they're now $56,000 or $61,000 in the hole, as opposed to $16,000 -- but it is also far more accurate.
And how these folks managed to ring up $62,000 in credit card debt is beyond belief. Lots of families have credit card debt these days but you would think after hitting a certain number the alarm bells would have gone off and they'd have adjusted their spending accordingly. Hopefully they will be able to adjust now -- because those student loans will come due eventually, and you can NEVER get rid of those except through paying them off.
That aside, though, the whole "personal property" number is a vague and imprecise one. So if you do include it in your financial calculations, the number should be an extremely low one, unless you've got a whole bunch of antique furniture around the place. After all, in the event you DO have to hock everything, you might as well get a nice surprise on the upside.
LATE LAST WEEK I was talking with a colleague at work about the mess in the lending markets. We had just received word the Bank of China Ltd. was stuck with billions of dollars of debt backed by sub-prime mortgages, and I said something to the effect of, "We're getting our dollars back, one way or the other!"
Well, as it turns out, that's exactly what's happening -- and it's happening all over the world. Ambrose-Evans Pritchard -- yes, who else would it be -- blogged about it over at The Telegraph. Mr Evans-Pritchard writes:
In a warped sense, one has to admire the cool way that Americans – who save nothing, in aggregate – tapped into the vast savings pool of thrifty Germans to finance their speculative excesses, and then left the creditors holding a chunk of the subprime losses.Was it sharp practice, in the same way that foreigners were recruited by Lloyds of London in 1986 and 1987 – before the impending asbestos losses were known – and placed like cannon fodder on “spiral syndicates” to absorb crippling losses? (Lloyds denies this occurred).
I am endebted to Randall W. Forsyth from Barron’s for this delicious quote from a hedge-fund operator, recounting with disgust what happened this time in a letter to clients:
" 'Real money' (U.S. insurance companies, pension funds, etc.) accounts had stopped purchasing mezzanine tranches of U.S. subprime debt in late 2003 and [Wall Street] needed a mechanism that could enable them to 'mark up' these loans, package them opaquely, and EXPORT THE NEWLY PACKAGED RISK TO UNWITTING BUYERS IN ASIA AND CENTRAL EUROPE!!!!
"These CDOs were the only way to get rid of the riskiest tranches of subprime debt. Interestingly enough, these buyers (mainland Chinese banks, the Chinese Government, Taiwanese banks, Korean banks, German banks, French banks, U.K. banks) possess the 'excess' pools of liquidity around the globe. These pools are basically derived from two sources: 1) massive trade surpluses with the U.S. in U.S. dollars, 2) petrodollar recyclers. These two pools of excess capital are U.S. dollar-denominated and have had a virtually insatiable demand for U.S. dollar-denominated debt . . . until now."
Mr Evans-Pritchard sums up his feelings in one word: "Shameless." And it was.
But then, what else would you expect from Wall Street, which has been doing that type of thing for years? It's like the bond-selling scenes from Liar's Poker on a grand scale. Plus, there's something to be said for caveat emptor here. While I'm sorry these folks are losing their shirts in this whole mess, I have to say I feel a bit like the counter-point guy in "Airplane!" -- "They bought the paper. They knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash!"
Now, a benign view of all this might note these types of things seem to happen on a cyclical basis. Back in the Eighties, when everyone was in an uproar over the seeming Japanese domination of our economy, many Japanese came over with their dollars and bought trophy properties in the United States. They also managed to lose a bundle on these but at least they got to enjoy a bit of golf in the meantime. This time around, it's China's turn -- and they don't even get to golf. (Maximum suckage).
Mr Evans-Pritchard, however, does not find this benign. Apparently the Germans have been hit especially hard due to the subprime mess, with at least one German bank being sold in a fire sale as a result of its sub-prime issues. Another one had to be bailed out. Plus, the jump in interest rates has apparently put a real squeeze on corporate borrowing, and it seems there's a very real likelihood this whole mess will spill over into the larger economy. And that, Mr Evans-Pritchard writes, could mean recession.
I sure don't know what the future holds, but I do know this. The idea of a recession around the corner doesn't mean one should panic. It does, however, mean one should position oneself for the possibility, and be ready to strike when the iron is hot. To my way of thinking, that means building up cash reserves in the meantime, paying down or paying off debts, and being ready to invest when the time seems right. A recession, if it comes, would end eventually, and it seems to me one could do very well if one bought the right investments when things seem at their bleakest.
WE LEARN FROM the Associated Press that Montana, of all places, is experiencing an economic boom so fierce employers are finding it pretty much impossible to fill jobs. The boom, as one might expect from the West, is due to heavy investment in resource extraction. With unemployment at just 2 pc, that's left other employers looking around and wondering where the hell all the job applicants went:
HELENA, Mont. -- The owner of a fast food joint in Montana's booming oil patch found himself outsourcing the drive-thru window to a Texas telemarketing firm, not because it's cheaper but because he can't find workers.Record low unemployment across parts of the West has created tough working conditions for business owners, who in places are being forced to boost wages or be creative to fill their jobs.
John Francis, who owns the McDonald's in Sidney, Mont., said he tried advertising in the local newspaper and even offered up to $10 an hour to compete with higher-paying oil field jobs. Yet the only calls were from other business owners upset they would have to raise wages, too. Of course, Francis' current employees also wanted a pay hike.
"I don't know what the answer is," Francis said. "There's just nobody around that wants to work."
Well, the problem here is pretty obvious, and so is the answer. The problem is a fundamental imbalance in the local labor pool's supply and demand. The demand from employers is high, while the supply is low. Thus, employers who want to attract workers must raise their wages to equilibrium, or they're not going to have any workers. Mr Francis' complaint is thus disingenuous -- there's just nobody around who wants to work at the wage he wants to pay them.
Of course, one way for Mr Francis and his business-owner colleagues to fix this problem is to find more workers, of which there are plenty. Perhaps they should advertise. Heck, my home state of Michigan, where unemployment is higher than seven percent and even higher in the major cities, has oodles of idle workers who would like nothing more than to get back into the labor force. Oh, and it would appear there are some folks in Iowa who will soon be looking for work. The New York Times has the story:
NEWTON, Iowa -- THE LAST of the Maytag factories that lifted so many people into the middle class here will close on Oct. 26. Guy Winchell and his wife, Lisa, will lose their jobs that day. Their combined income of $43 an hour will disappear and, soon after, so will their health insurance. Most of the pensions they would have received will also be gone.The Winchells are still in their 40s. They can retrain or start a business, choices promoted by city leaders in a campaign to “reinvent” Newton without its biggest employer. But as they ponder their futures, the Winchells are uncertain about how to deal with a lower standard of living. “I’m not wanting to go waitress,” said Mrs. Winchell, who, at 41, drives a forklift and earns $19 an hour, “but I can do what I have to to make money.”
Mr. Winchell, 46, having earned $24 an hour as a skilled electrician, seems paralyzed by the disappearance of his employer. He imagines that there is work for electricians in central Iowa but he hasn’t looked. “Lisa is always on me because I’m so angry,” he said. “She says, ‘What would your mom have said?’ My mom would have said, ‘Worrying is not going to help.’”
Newton’s last day as a manufacturing mecca comes a century after Fred L. Maytag built his first mechanical washing machine here. Over time he also located his headquarters, research center and most production in Newton, changing it from a rural county seat into a prosperous city of 16,000. Absent Maytag’s high pay, overall hourly earnings last year for other workers in the county would have been $3 an hour less, according to Iowa Workforce Development, a state agency.
I am not entirely unsympathetic to Mr Winchell's frustration. When one has invested one's whole life in a particular job or company, that really becomes part of one's identity and to have that taken away can really throw one for a loss. But it's one thing to be angry about losing one's job, and another thing entirely to let that keep a man from picking himself up, dusting himself up, and getting back in the race.
Of course, getting back in the race can mean a lot of life changes. Mr Winchell has spoken of looking for jobs in central Iowa, but I don't see why he would limit himself to just central Iowa. As a tradesman, he can pretty much go wherever he wants and find work -- and relocating for work can do a lot in terms of one's getting ahead in life.
I know this through my own experience, as I moved from Los Angeles to New Hampshire solely for the work, a move which took place three years after I moved to Los Angeles solely for the work. When my work here ends, I'll depart New Hampshire for better (and, God willing, warmer) climes. That could be when I retire from my present job (the Granite State is not the best place to retire tax-wise) or it could be when circumstances change and I find I've been made redundant. Sure, I could have stayed in my hometown of Kalamazoo, Mich. all these years, but the opportunities for which I was looking weren't there.
I fully admit it may be easier for me to say this, as when Mr Kepple was working, my own family moved solely for the work. So I'm used to the idea -- and used to the idea of not growing up near one's extended family, or the social networks that one has in a place where one's family has lived for a long time. But you keep up with your family as best you can and build new relationships and do what you have to do. That is the way of things in this day and age.
Personally, if I was in Mr Winchell's shoes -- or any of those about-to-be-unemployed Maytag workers, I'd get the hell out of Iowa while the getting was good and go where the grass was greener. Like, say, Montana. (It's pretty country up there and not unlike Iowa culturally, I'll bet). And although I feel secure in my own position here in New Hampshire, I definitely have my running shoes at the ready. It's easy but dangerous to take things in life for granted and so I've made plans should the unthinkable happen. These plans include the following:
1. Go out for a good steak dinner.
2. Take a good long vacation. A very good, very long vacation. Like, a drive around the country vacation in which I visit all my friends and family and go places where I've never been. Hey, when the hell am I going to get this type of free time again?
3. Four or six weeks later, come back and file for unemployment.
4. Start looking for work the next Monday.
Perhaps that's a bit idealistic on my part -- after all, there's something to be said for hitting the ground the very next morning -- but it sounds like a plan and I'm going to stick with it. Besides, if worse came to worst, I could always head out to Montana.
MICHAEL VICK COULD lose as much as $143 million over the next several years thanks to his involvement in dog-fighting, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports. That includes $71 million in salary over the next seven years, roughly $50 million in endorsement money and $22 million in bonus money the Falcons had paid him since the start of his latest contract. Summed up, that's $143 million. $143 million.
It's amazing to think Mr Vick, through his admitted involvement with a dogfighting operation, threw all that money away. It's even more amazing to think he didn't consider that would happen if he was eventually caught, or had advisors who would tell him, "Say, Mike. You know, this might -- I don't know -- COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR CAREER if it ever got out." But that is all water under the bridge and Mr Vick now faces a prison term.
We won't know the answer to the major question I have for some time, but what I want to know is how Mr Vick will end up after he loses the $22 million the Falcons are going to claw back from him.
Unless he went completely overboard with his spending, it seems certain he would have the money to pay back the Falcons. It would be difficult even for a person with expensive tastes to spend more than $1 million or $2 million per year, and he has undoubtedly sunk at least some of his pay into good tangible assets, like his home. One can also imagine (hope?) he had some pretty good money managers, as the NFL has made a point over the years of educating its players about financial discipline. Plus, some estimates have put his total earnings thus far at $60 million, so unless he really emulated MC Hammer, he's got the cash.
Still, $22 million is a lot of money no matter how you look at it, and I have to think that loss will have at least some impact on Mr Vick's lifestyle. For losing it would mean Mr Vick would also lose out on the considerable annual income that money could conceivably generate. Even if we assume Mr Vick has $15 million or so left after the Falcons claw back his bonuses, he'll probably have to ratchet down his spending in the years to come, because he will never ever make the money he had been making again. (If Mr Vick has any future football career left, it seems likely that will involve him being up in Calgary playing for the Stampedas).
Again, amazing to think he threw it all away, and for nothing.
However, I do think all those Falcons fans out there crying in their beers should cheer up, as from a team perspective this might be the best thing that's happened in a while to Atlanta.
Like most non-Falcons fans out there, I consider Mr Vick a mediocre quarterback whose passing is unremarkable and who was remarkably overpaid for the benefits he brought to the team. (Simply put, we don't understand why Atlanta considered him the best thing since sliced bread). Let's recall the Falcons have only had one decent season since Vick joined the team -- that would be 2004, when they went 11-5 -- and his overhyped style has not helped the Falcons escape subpar performances in 2003, 2005 and 2006. This year, to be perfectly blunt, would have been no different. Even if the Falcons had somehow made it to the Super Bowl with Vick in charge, they would have been blown out by the better AFC team.
But now that the Falcons are freed from having to pay the man his exorbinant salary, they can focus on building their squad and eventually hire a good quarterback for a reasonable sum, as opposed to the oxygen-sucking package that Mr Vick received. The long and short is that every cloud has a silver lining, and the Falcons would be remiss if they didn't take the opportunity Mr Vick's forced departure has given them.
SO I HAVE had quite a week here. I made a marathon drive down to Washington for an old friend's wedding, had fun at the wedding and drank a lot, made the drive back up to New Hampshire, had a very productive week at the office, and completed a bunch of chores around the house while still managing to blog up a storm.
Naturally, this was the perfect time for my fibromyalgia, which had been dormant for YEARS, to make a surprise return and leave me in constant physical pain.
Fibromyalgia, for those of you unfamiliar with the syndrome, is what they now call muscular rheumatism, which I personally think is a much better name for the wretched condition. For that matter, most of the old names for disease are better. Nobody's going to think twice if they're told they have "Hansen's disease," but tell 'em they have leprosy, and they'll sit up straight at hearing that. Similarly, tuberculosis is inferior to consumption, pertussis is inferior to whooping cough, and so on. But I digress.
The good news here is that the pain is so far tolerable. In some, the syndrome can result in excruciating and disabling pain, but for me it is neither. However, I do feel as if I just got in a car accident the day before, as my entire body just aches. My shoulders ache; my legs ache; my ankles and feet ache; and my hands really ache. That last part is the most annoying thing about this. Dammit, I type with these hands, and it's no fun typing when my wrists and fingers are constantly aching.
At this point, I feel about all I can do is take bunches of over-the-counter pain relievers to help mitigate the situation, and take rational steps to address the underlying causes of the pain. This basically means that I need to sleep more, eat right and generally relax. So blogging will be a little lighter over the next few days as I try to get my body back in the swing of things. However, as I've worked hard to get back into the swing of things with my blogging, and my readership numbers have gone up as a result, I still plan to keep at it. I've beat a lot of things in my day and I'm sure as hell not letting this lay me up.
AH, FOOTBALL SEASON. A time when families gather together; a time when new dreams are born and old rivalries are renewed; a time when drunken fans allegedly commit cringe-inducing felonies of the highest order against their enemies, and fans from other conferences look on and say, "Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa! That shit's just WRONG."
This year's first Drunken Football Fan Award may well go to Allen Michael Beckett, 53, of Oklahoma City, provided a jury of his peers finds him guilty of, uh, "sacking" a University of Texas fan who made the mistake of wearing Texas gear into an Oklahoma City bar. Fanblogs.com has the scoop:
This year's Texas - OU rivalry is off to a bloody start, thanks in part to Oklahoma Sooners football fan Allen Michael Beckett, 53, of Oklahoma City.Beckett is charged with aggravated assault and battery for causing "extensive damage to another man's scrotum".
It all started when Beckett began harrassing Texas Longhorns fan Brian Thomas for wearing a UT shirt into Henry Hudson's Pub.
The post then quotes The Oklahoman newspaper, which reports:
Thomas said Beckett, whom he had never met, called him "everything under the sun" for wearing a Longhorns T-shirt into the bar.He said he and his friend sat at a table in the corner and tried to ignore the other man, but other man -- who apparently is a University of Oklahoma fan -- kept screaming at him.
Thomas said he decided he'd had enough after about 20 minutes of Beckett's abuse so he went to the bar to pay his tab. When he turned around, he said Beckett grabbed his crotch and refused to let go.
Thomas hit the other man several times before several bar patrons intervened, but Thomas said Beckett didn't let go until Thomas heard his scrotum tear and blood ran down his leg.
GOD! GOD GOD GOD! That gives me the shivers just thinking about it! Even worse, it took SIXTY stitches to sow up Mr Thomas, an ordeal I can only imagine was about as bad as the initial injury. Then again, I can't imagine it. My brain won't let me go there.
Amazingly, according to The Oklahoman, Mr Beckett faces up to just five years in prison if convicted of the charge against him. You would think in a God-fearing state like Oklahoma, the penalty would be something more fitting, like death. I mean, you don't DO that to another man. I don't care if he walked into the bar wearing Texas colors -- that's just uncivilized. You don't mess around with the meat-and-two-veg, if you know what I'm saying.
Now, this is not to say there might not be times when a "bit of fun" might be allowable on General Principle Grounds. For instance, if some lunkhead Michigan State fan walked into a Michigan bar and started cheering like a dumbass just because his crappy team managed to score a touchdown, it would be perfectly permissible for a Michigan fan to take the Spartan's Zima and dump it over the Spartan's ill-bred, ill-mannered, 80-IQ, backward-cap-wearing frat boy douchebag head. Along those lines, if a group of Ohio State fans wandered into a Michigan bar and started insulting the Maize and Blue fans within, it would be perfectly permissible for the waitstaff to spit on their nachos and give their order to the surliest, angriest cook in the back. (Ohio State fans are notoriously lousy tippers and never ever recognize good service).
But even if Michigan went 6-6 in a year, and lost to Michigan State AND Ohio State, it would never be permissible for a Michigan fan to assault them. In part, that's because Michigan fans rule and as such have no need to engage in such unsporting behavior. We will eventually have our revenge, because we always do. That's why so many fans from other teams fear and loathe us. We are Michigan. We are the winningest team in college football history. We have the largest stadium in the United States. We have 42 conference championships. Plus, if we do lose, our extensive alumni network will fan out around the country and make life miserable for graduates of the institutions that somehow manage to defeat us. ("It says here you're a USC graduate, Mr Smith -- I'm sorry, we haven't any positions open right now. Oh, and no, you can't have a loan.")
Other fans of Big Ten schools -- even Michigan State -- would also not stoop to such wretched levels. Even though their teams are not Michigan, and as such not as cool as we are, they are members of the Big Ten and the Big Ten doesn't condone that shit. We are not, after all, the SEC. Nor are we the Big Twelve, the conference of which Texas and Oklahoma are a part. (And just what the hell is wrong with Oklahoma, anyway? My God).
And I daresay Mr Beckett's alleged action would make even the barbarians in Florida give pause for a moment. It's one thing to try and kill opposing players with your helmets in an on-field brawl, but another entirely to go after some fan's manhood.
I trust the justice system will move swiftly and try Mr Beckett in all due course, and if he is convicted, I am sure it will mete out a proper punishment, even if it is not death. For what Mr Beckett did not apparently think about, prior to the incidents in question, was that his actions would tarnish the honor of the University of Oklahoma, its football team, and its fans. I mean, my God. EVERYONE was going to root for Oklahoma against the goddamned Longhorns. EVERYONE. But now? Who wants to root for a team whose fans would ... God! The horror! The horror!
If someone expresses interest in investing in Guanajuato, we don't let them get away.
--Vicente Fox
GIVEN ALL THE business and finance writing I have been doing over the past few months, I daresay Loyal Rant Readers could be forgiven if they thought I had become -- well, a bit calculating in my outlook on life. Indeed, were one to say my writing on these topics has been a bit cold, unforgiving and ruthless, I don't think I would disagree.
However, when dealing with financial matters, I don't think these traits are all that bad to possess. Since these transactions necessarily involve working with strangers, one ought not reward incompetence, forgive stupidity or allow oneself to be taken advantage of just because one wants to be nice or avoid confrontation.
After all, no one cares more than you about your own money, and unless you operate along those lines you are inviting trouble. So if that means questioning the fees paid to the managers of your retirement funds, or criticizing the rationale of an investment strategy, or witholding your proxy vote for a clueless company director, or not buying the tru-coat at the used car lot, then those are the things you have to do. It's far better to be conscientious of these things than to be taken for a chump.
But the wonderful thing about capitalism is that, even as one must deal with the back-and-forth of the markets and the minefields of business, there are so many opportunities to help one's fellow man. Our system lends itself to coming up with new and creative ways to help those less fortunate, whether it's through one's own investing decisions or through one's charitable endeavors. Increasingly, it's possible to combine those two seemingly unrelated objectives and offer a dignified helping hand to those who need it.
Perhaps one of the most inventive combinations out there is Kiva, a Web site that allows people to offer no-interest loans to small businesspeople in the developing world. Since people are offering loans and not grants, it is not really charity, but at the same time, providing these small firms with working capital is very much doing good. Back in May, I wrote about the small investment I had made in the site and why I was happy to do so -- because the approach treats borrowers with dignity and as equals, not as charity cases.
At the time, I invested a total of $50 into my loan pool and made two $25 loans to two small businesses in Mexico, whose owners are widows working to raise their families. This investment worked out to 2.7 pc of a $925 loan made to a shoeseller in Monterrey, and 2.5 pc of a $1,000 loan to a small grocery in Cd. Acuña.
Four months later, I am pleased to report my borrowers have repaid me a total of $18.37 and are well on their way to repaying the loans in full. While God knows things happen in business, it sure looks like my borrowers are going to repay me on time. This is, if I may say so, pretty bloody cool. The opportunity cost to me was practically nothing* and I've helped them accomplish their goals. And when the loans are eventually repaid, I could cash out and get my money back -- but you know, I don't really want to do that. I'd rather plow the money back into new loans and keep the virtuous cycle going.
But I am certainly not the only one getting repaid. According to Kiva, the two microfinance groups that handle the loans in Mexico have turned in downright stellar performances. In total, they have loaned out more than $1 million over the past year or so. NOT ONE loan has gone into default. NOT ONE loan has even been delinquent. This is downright amazing when you consider more than 1,700 loans have been made. With that amount of activity, it would be reasonable to expect a default rate of 1 to 2 pc and a delinquency rate a bit higher, but EVERYONE has been paying back and paying back on time. Even if I wanted to find fault, I couldn't do it.
But what I really like about Kiva's approach is that it creates wealth without any of the distorting economic effects one often sees with well-intentioned relief efforts. Plus, I would like to think that eventually, that wealth creation -- through increasing trade and other economic activity -- will help folks here in the United States. If that grocery in Acuña does well enough, its owner may well be shopping over in Del Rio before we know it.
And that's enough to warm even my cold, calculating heart.
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* Arguably, the opportunity cost of making the loans is the measly amount of interest I would have earned had I put the $50 into a stingy U.S.-based savings account. That works out to like 17 cents. These days, you can't even buy penny candy with 17 cents.
SO I WAS TOOLING AROUND on Yahoo! Finance and much to my amazement I saw a column from one of their financial "experts" proclaiming --- wait for it -- silver as the next great investment. Yes, you read that right. Silver. Silver, which is down 16 pc over the last 15 months. Silver, which has historically traded around $4 to $5 per troy ounce. Silver, which since its recent historical lows in the Eighties and Nineties has seen a big run up to $13 per troy ounce or so, meaning you should have bought it back when it was cheap.
The author of this essay, one Robert Kiyosaki, is the author of the "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" series of books. He has sold about 26 million of these, proving at the very least he is an excellent salesman. As I have not read his books, I can't offer any real criticism of these works, although Wikipedia sure does. Still, I must say I admire the man's guts, because I have a feeling his words are going to come back to bite him like a pack of pit bulls. Mr Kiyosaki writes:
But as much as I love real estate, I believe the biggest opportunity today is in silver. I think this precious metal is about to become the most spectacular investment in recent history -- bigger than oil, even bigger than Google.
The Rant believes this statement is the stupidest thing we've read in years. Nearly as mindless is Mr Kiyosaki's statement about the potential upside appreciation one might find in the precious metal. He writes:
As I write, silver is approximately $13 an ounce. If industrial consumption continues and monetary panic sets in, who knows how high the price will go? Between 1979 and 1980, silver went to $48 an ounce. In today's dollars, that would be the same as $80 an ounce.And recently, exchange traded funds in silver have been added as a way for investors to hold silver. The reason I find the silver ETF so intriguing is because an ETF represents real money -- not fake money like the U.S. dollar.
I don't mean to be rude, but it might be slightly important to mention the reason silver hit $48 an ounce back in the day -- actually, $49.45 per troy ounce at its peak -- was because the Hunts were scheming to corner the silver market. Of course, the economy was teetering on the brink of ruin at that point (Death of Equities!) and precious metals were a popular investment; but the idea that silver would have hit such a lofty height without the Hunts' machinations seems a bit much. Besides, once things got better, silver went on to crash spectacularly, losing two-thirds of its value over the next two decades. The S&P 500, meanwhile, went on to achieve more than a seven-fold return.
I have to say I just don't understand the commodity fetishism mindset that exists among economic doomsayers. If you look at the long-term trends and believe that all is lost -- an argument of which I am highly skeptical -- there are far better and more stable places to put your money. Real estate is probably the best of them, because they ain't making any more land and people always need places to live and work. Real estate is a good hard asset with tangible value. It also can't be stolen and melted down.
Plus, because God has blessed America with a stable system of laws and regulations governing the ownership and transfer of real-estate, the only way you'll truly lose out with real-estate is in the event of a nuclear holocaust (in which case we're all screwed) or some neo-Bolshevik movement seizes power (in which case we're all screwed). It should be worth noting that in the cases in which we are all screwed, NO investment -- except a plane ticket to Switzerland or Bermuda or the Caymans -- will save you. Those bars of silver and gold will only come in handy for getting one or two good swings at your local commissar before his socialist minions drag you off to be shot.
Of course, I realize some readers may look at this and complain that inflation is eating their dollars and the Government cannot be trusted and They -- whomever They are today -- Are Going to Sell Us Down the River. But here's the thing.
Let's say that all the above items are true. Let's say inflation is a bit higher than normal; let's say the Government is weak and ineffectual; and let's say the Trilateral Commission has somehow managed to spread its tentacles throughout the world of international finance, and its directors are spending their meetings looking at the stock tickers and laughing maniacally. As long as the returns on one's investments outpace inflation, there's no reason to switch to metals, because you're still making money in real terms and that is what counts at the end of the day. Real-estate and Treasuries and other investments would be far safer -- and arguably more liquid -- in such a situation. That's because if things improved -- as they almost certainly would -- they would still keep appreciating, whereas gold and silver would fall accordingly.
Besides, what if the doom one expects never arrives? Then you're really out of luck. Think of all those gold and silver bugs who held on to their metals portfolios throughout the Eighties and Nineties, expecting the crash that never came? The value of their holdings slowly diminished even as those who invested in more mainstream investments made a killing.
Now, I do not mean to completely dismiss metals enthusiasts here. Clearly, many are very smart and there's no denying there are some long-term trends extant that are cause for concern. But I have to wonder if a lot of these folks aren't perhaps being too clever for their own good, and thus extrapolating scenarios from their analyses that are possible, but certainly not very probable.
After all, the banking panics of the 19th and early 20th centuries are no more. There is no more wide demand, as the hotel operator in "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" put it, for "gold, not paper dollars!" The gold standard has been sundered, even in Switzerland. Fiat money rules the world and there seems little chance that will change any time soon. Plus, the U.S. dollar still remains a great store of value -- after all, that's why so many foreigners hold dollars as a hedge against their own, far weaker, currencies.
So for the life of me, I can't see any reason to think silver is suddenly going to be the next big thing. Perhaps if things got really bad and there was a huge flight to quality, gold and silver would do well. But even then, those gains would only be temporary. Markets turn; that is their nature, and those who are accustomed to seeing the glass as half empty should always be prepared to accept the glass is actually half full.
AS LOYAL RANT READERS KNOW -- all too well, I am afraid -- The Rant's technological capabilities are a bit limited. Let us compare The Rant to a car and you'll see what I mean. The engine might run flawlessly, and its horses might plow through any and all obstacles placed before it, but there's no denying the body is a little rusted, and has chipped paint, and a huge scratch some wretched little hellion dug into the side of it with his skate key.
Perhaps the most obvious outward sign of wear and tear is The Rant's comment system. Like a smashed passenger-side mirror, it is not essential to the machine's overall operation, but it leaves people who see it wondering why the hell the owner doesn't get it fixed.
My friends, I can assure you I have no idea how to fix it; the programming skills required to do so are far beyond me. But its present state is not my fault. The comment spammers -- God damn them! -- forced my hosting provider to impose some strange technical requirements that would supposedly allow me to have comments whilst keeping the spammers at bay. But I can't figure them out and so I must go without.
This state of affairs has not gone unnoticed. Loyal Rant Reader Matt (REDACTED) recently wrote me an e-mail to complain about the situation. By the way, Mr (REDACTED) has an interesting blog of his own -- for instance, you know that guy who rants about free money* on late-night infomercials? No, not Jim Cramer -- this guy. Anyway, it turns out That Guy Who Screams About the Free Money has had some Strange Cosmic Role in Mr (REDACTED's) long-running relationship with his girlfriend.
But anyway. As I was saying, Mr (REDACTED) recently wrote me an e-mail to complain about the lack of comments on The Rant. He writes:
----------------
FROM: Matthew (REDACTED)
TO: Ben Kepple
RE: The techonological disgrace that continues to be your Web site
Ben, if you are going to continue to put a "comments" link on your
blog entry - every blog entry - then you have a legal obligation to
make sure that that comments link works! I am sick and tired of not
being able to leave a witty comment on your latest witty post!
Your loyal reader,
Matt
------------
Well, Matt, if you have any ideas as to how to reprogram my Movable Type comments scripts to make the comments work again, I'd love to hear them -- because I'll need step-by-step directions. I would, however, take issue with your statement that I have a "legal obligation" to provide comments.
I have consulted with my legal team and they have assured me that, although my continued failure to fix them could be considered "arbitrary and capricious" in certain jurisdictions, I can't be held liable for this state of affairs, except in southern Illinois. And under The Rant's articles of incorporation, I don't have to take Illlinois seriously until they beat Michigan in football. So until the Fighting Zooks measure up, I think I'm safe.
While I certainly think getting the comments working again would be a net good for the site, I have to admit that I have found minor advantages in not having them. These advantages are spelled out in a naughty and profane educational video from collegehumor.com, viz. and to wit:
So, in summary, if I can restore the comments, I will -- even if there might be something to the relative peace and quiet of a comments-free blog.
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* Oh, and last time I checked, "free money" is only "free" when it is voluntarily lent out at zero percent interest. This would seem to preclude the idea that money is "free" when the Government redistributes it.
SO HOW WAS YOUR TUESDAY EVENING? I spent mine boxing up more books. Then I took a break and started reading The New York Times. Unfortunately for my continued book-distribution project, I read an article in the NYT about national income statistics that first puzzled me, then annoyed me, and then got my Scotch-Irish up. So I spent the next couple of hours doing some on-line research to see whether I could gather up enough information to analyze the analysis, and in fact, I did.
First, though, let's look at what NYT scribe David Cay Johnston wrote for the Paper of Record:
Americans earned a smaller average income in 2005 than in 2000, the fifth consecutive year that they had to make ends meet with less money than at the peak of the last economic expansion, new government data shows.While incomes have been on the rise since 2002, the average income in 2005 was $55,238, still nearly 1 percent less than the $55,714 in 2000, after adjusting for inflation, analysis of new tax statistics show.
The combined income of all Americans in 2005 was slightly larger than it was in 2000, but because more people were dividing up the national income pie, the average remained smaller. Total adjusted gross income in 2005 was $7.43 trillion, up 3.1 percent from 2000 and 5.8 percent from 2004.
Total income listed on tax returns grew every year after World War II, with a single one-year exception, until 2001, making the five-year period of lower average incomes and four years of lower total incomes a new experience for the majority of Americans born since 1945.
The White House said the fact that average incomes were smaller five years after the Internet bubble burst “should not surprise anyone.”
The growth in total incomes was concentrated among those making more than $1 million. The number of such taxpayers grew by more than 26 percent, to 303,817 in 2005, from 239,685 in 2000.
These individuals, who constitute less than a quarter of 1 percent of all taxpayers, reaped almost 47 percent of the total income gains in 2005, compared with 2000.
People with incomes of more than a million dollars also received 62 percent of the savings from the reduced tax rates on long-term capital gains and dividends that President Bush signed into law in 2003, according to a separate analysis by Citizens for Tax Justice, a group that points out policies that it says favor the rich.
The group’s calculations showed that 28 percent of the investment tax cut savings went to just 11,433 of the 134 million taxpayers, those who made $10 million or more, saving them almost $1.9 million each. Over all, this small number of wealthy Americans saved $21.7 billion in taxes on their investment income as a result of the tax-cut law.
The nearly 90 percent of Americans who make less than $100,000 a year saved on average $318 each on their investments. They collected 5.3 percent of the total savings from reduced tax rates on investment income.
The I.R.S. data showed that the number of Americans making less than $25,000 a year shrank, down by 3.2 million, or 5.5 percent.
Nearly half of Americans reported incomes of less than $30,000, and two-thirds make less than $50,000.
The number of taxpayers making more than $100,000 grew by nearly 3.4 million and accounted for more than two-thirds of the growth in the number of returns filed in 2005 compared with those in 2000.
The fact that average incomes remained lower in 2005 than five years earlier helps explain why so many Americans report feeling economic stress despite overall growth in the economy. Many Americans are also paying a larger share of their health care costs and have had their retirement benefits reduced, adding to their out-of-pocket costs.
OK, so that's pretty much the entire article, but I'm analyzing it, so I had to post that much. I left out the bits at the end, which include the White House's response to the statistics and some policy analyst saying the data shows supply-side economics doesn't work. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Naturally, the Times' article has been on the receiving end of some pretty heavy firepower. Tom Blumer fired back a response saying the newspaper was twisting the facts to make things look bad. Randall Hoven also fired back, pointing to other Government data that apparently contradicted Mr Johnston's analysis. This prompted Mr Johnston to issue a response, which can be seen at Mr Blumer's site.
Anyway, based on my reading of the data, Mr Johnston oversimplifies and exaggerates the situation. He does not help matters by not explicitly mentioning where the data came from and how it was collected, leaving analysts no choice but to run around looking for it. After a while, though, I found it.
The data Mr Johnston cites comes from the Internal Revenue Service's Statistics of Income -- Individual Income Tax Returns report. (Publication 1304). The report, if you really want to download it, can be found here. It contains a bunch of PDF and XLS files which you'll then have to slog through. However, I did this for you out of the goodness of my heart. You're welcome, I'm sure.
Anyway, it would have been nice if Mr Johnston had mentioned this, as well as the fact the SOI report's figures "are all estimates based on samples." It also would have been nice if Mr Johnston had made clear that his average income statistics were based on the number of income tax returns filed. Thus, given the various filing options people have, they can only be quoted as being on an income-tax return basis. This isn't clear in the story and Mr Johnston should have taken care in pointing this out, even if it meant cutting out a quote from the policy wonk.
Furthermore, Mr Johnston's article could have certainly used a good bit of perspective. Yes, incomes have been down over the past five years. However, they're only down $476 on average, as his own data show. That works out to a whopping $1.90 per day, if we assume 250 working days in a year. My God -- people might have to give up their morning crueller to compensate. However will America's middle class survive this body blow to its way of life?
The drop also isn't all that much when one considers 2000 was something of a banner year, and over the next few years we had the Sept. 11 attacks, myriad corporate scandals and conflicts that sent the price of oil through the roof. All these things had a way of depressing income growth. As such, I have to agree with Mr Johnston's critics that the real story here was the recovery in average incomes over the past few years and not the drop from 2000.
Along those lines, I don't understand how Mr Johnston could present his data about the effect of the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts without mentioning that, you know, the rich pay the lion's share of the taxes in America. In 2006, the Tax Foundation projected that nearly 41 percent of Americans paid no federal income tax at all. In another 2006 examination, the Foundation found the top 1 pc of earners -- those making more than $328,000 per annum -- paid nearly 37 pc of the nation's income taxes! The top 10 pc -- those making more than about $100,000 per year -- were carrying more than 68 percent of the load.
I don't know. You would think, given the data Mr Johnston is dealing with, mentioning how income tax payments are already skewed would be slightly important. Just give it a line if that's all the space you've got, but put it in for Christ's sake. It also might have been nice if he mentioned that after the tax cuts, the wealthy were actually carrying a higher proportion of the tax burden than ever before -- at least in 2004, anyway.
Anyway -- overexaggeration and simplification. Not good things. Especially not when dealing with numbers.
Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...
YOUR SEARCH ENGINE QUERIES ANSWERED!
An occasional Rant feature
IN ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, there's a scene in which one of the Watergate plumbers is being arraigned and he is asked his occupation. "Anti-Communist," he responded. It was not an accurate answer but one that expressed how he saw himself in his heart. Along those lines, my occupation can be summed up in those great lines from Billy Preston: don't you remember I told ja / I'm a soldier / in the War on Poverty.
For the most part, I'm devoted to fighting that in the financial sense of the phrase, but any poverty will do -- particularly if it's intellectual poverty. Based on the search-engine queries I get here at The Rant, there exist in the United States and elsewhere giant reserves of intellectual poverty. These are so vast, in fact, that if we were able to refine that intellectual poverty and use it to power our automobiles, the Middle East would wake up tomorrow and discover it was suddenly broke.
Sadly, however, those reserves only serve as grist for the blog-entry mill, and as such really can't be monetized. This is a shame because intellectual poverty these days is in such great supply that it is the intellectual equivalent of solar power -- cheap, efficient and inexhaustible. Still, the situation isn't all bad, as stupidity makes for great blog entries, and hoo boy did I receive some lulus in the search-engine log this month. So let's get to it!
QUERY: the philadelphia eagles rap song for 2004
ANSWER: The last Eagles song I ever heard of was, "I Saw Mommy Booing Santa Claus," so I really don't have an answer to this one. However, I'm sure the chorus has some variant of the phrase, "We blew it again."
QUERY: what high did mary lou retton attend?
ANSWER: Mary Lou Retton is high on life and as such would never attend any gathering where illegal activities were being conducted, much less take part in those activities. Although that DOES remind me of that old "In Living Color" sketch where Mr Rogers went around committing all sorts of acts and was able to get away with it because he was Mr Rogers, and no one believed he would do such things. I mean, can you imagine if Mary Lou Retton -- Mary Lou Retton, for God's sake -- ever got in trouble? It'd be like when Elvis died all over again.
QUERY: bengals cake
ANSWER: To properly decorate a Cincinnati Bengals-themed cake, make sure to include the phone numbers of all your local bail bondsmen as part of the decorative icing.
QUERY: how many bengals have been arrested
ANSWER: I lost track after the first dozen.
QUERY: what is wrong with brady quinn
ANSWER: How much time do we have?
QUERY: brady quinn is an ass
ANSWER: Well, let's just call that Item No. 1 on the list.
QUERY: how to get brady quinn s autograph
ANSWER: First, remove your wallet from your pocket and put all your currency on a table. Next, reach over and grab your ankles. You'll get it eventually. Let's call that Item No. 2 on the list.
QUERY: photos of ben roethlisberger being sacked by the colts
ANSWER: You have SO come to the wrong blog.
QUERY: saskatchewan roughriders fans are idiots
ANSWER: I'll hear no talk against my beloved Melonheads, who are clearly so starved for football action up on the prairies that they root for the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
QUERY: consider yourself one of the lucky ones
ANSWER: I do. As Mayakovsky might have put it had he lived in a better age: "You now -- read this and envy: I am a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers."
QUERY: oakland can still win wild card
ANSWER: Well, yeah, the season hasn't started yet. Give it a few weeks.
QUERY: ace of base foreign affairs
ANSWER: OK, that's an important safety tip for Americans who might have to call upon the services of the Swedish Government in hostile countries -- you may be subjected to bad dance music.
QUERY: shots of jose cuervo country song
ANSWER: Fifteen shots of ... uh ... gee, there's a worm in this and everything!
QUERY: 1980 s song- chorus goes woo oooooooo
ANSWER: Oh, well that REALLY narrows it down, pal. Honestly, I can't -- hey, wait. That actually does narrow it down! It's "Stuck on You" by Huey Lewis and the News!
QUERY: vehicular vandalism missouri punishment
ANSWER: Death. Well, it should be.
QUERY: how many ounces does a punch bowl hold
ANSWER: 256.
QUERY: physical imperfections are also beautiful
ANSWER: Um, no, they're not. Trust me -- as a physically imperfect person myself, I know this full well. I've got to rely on my wit and charm and intermediate knowledge of the financial markets, and all that said, I think my physical stature counts for a hell of a lot more in those equations. Unfortunately.
QUERY: kate winslet weighs
ANSWER: That's about the last thing on my mind when I see a picture of Kate Winslet.
QUERY: does ladies night mean ladies only?
ANSWER: No. That said, you probably shouldn't let that answer get your hopes up.
QUERY: 36 000 americans wear what per good housekeeping magazine
ANSWER: Hmmmm. Well, it's got to be one of two things -- either "nothing" or "thong-th-thong-thong-thong!"
QUERY: shannyn sossamon no longer dating dallas clayton
ANSWER: My God. The horror.
QUERY: why do women have more pairs of shoes than clothes
ANSWER: I suspect it has something to do with the fact that women need lots of shoes to go with their outfits. I am not an expert on this subject because I order my shoes through the mail. Well, I would if I didn't ask for a new pair of shoes every Christmas and got them. I have bad feet so I wear one brand/type of shoes pretty much constantly; they're nice enough for work but also good for wearing around the house.
QUERY: engagement ring he dumped me and wants it back
ANSWER: Uh, you might want to check your local laws, but I don't think you have to give it back. He's the one who broke the promise, not you, so I'd say you get to keep the ring on general principle grounds. Whether you can do so on legal grounds is another question, though.
QUERY: lauren jones has signed off from the ktyx-tv eye of east texas
ANSWER: I'm glad to see that Texas' broadcast journalism standards may soon get back to their formerly high station. She was quite pretty, though. Maybe Fox News has an opening!
QUERY: men who disappear then reappear in dating
ANSWER: Gee, I wonder what they're after!
QUERY: reasons to date a journalist
ANSWER: As Jacobs once put it, "Journalists are two inches taller, better dancers and much more fun to be with." We're useful at dinner parties, know all the good restaurants in town and have plenty of roguish charm. Which is good since we're all broke.
QUERY: valentine smart remarks
ANSWER: If you want your Valentine's Day to be, uh, memorable, you'll steer away from the sarcasm, son.
QUERY: contracting scabies from a motel
ANSWER: Next time, stay at a place that doesn't charge by the hour.
QUERY: jury duty is fibromyalgia an excuse
ANSWER: No. You'll just have to get a good's night sleep beforehand.
QUERY: the most insane qdro ever written
ANSWER: Heh, she got you GOOD, didn't she? Sorry, buddy, but I think you're out of luck.
QUERY: \ capital one\ \ bomb
ANSWER: Dear God! The mortgages! What's happened to the mortgages?!
QUERY: foreign currency cds
ANSWER: I had a long post on this a while back. Do a search in the search box for it. The long and short of that post, though, is that you're better off sticking with boring old dollar accounts because the higher interest rates aren't worth the risks one will take with the currency fluctuation.
QUERY: are coffee drinkers wealthy or poor and middle class?
ANSWER: But everyone loves coffee!
QUERY: us culture of nivea skincare products
ANSWER: The success of the Nivea line of skincare products shows that even if you hire the most smarmy-sounding announcer in the world, a guy whose very voice wants to make you punch him in the face repeatedly, it will not stop you from selling bunches of product.
QUERY: diarrhea mcdonald s salad
ANSWER: No, you can't sue.
QUERY: expensive yuppie drinks
ANSWER: Cosmoapplevodkatini! Yay cosmoapplevodkatini!
QUERY: will sell grade hardwood for pre-1964 silver coin
ANSWER: Howard Ruff? Call your office!
QUERY: how to currency speculate
ANSWER: That you're asking this question suggests you should stay very far away from the exciting and volatile world of forex trading.
QUERY: is it stupid to use a large brokerage firm?
ANSWER: Well, that all depends on how much money you have. If you have only a little, it makes sense to start with a firm that caters to your needs appropriately, and doesn't ding you here and there with fees. Brown & Co. had a great advertising campaign to this effect a while back -- to the point where "free tcotchkes!" became a private Kepple catch-phrase.
QUERY: movie hardcharging stockbroker
ANSWER: Aren't they all? I mean, I never heard of a good movie in which the main stockbroker character cleared out at 4 p.m. every day and went home to the family.
QUERY: i can t afford living room furniture
ANSWER: Go to a decent second-hand shop and see what you can pick up. If you're like me, and you don't particularly care about furniture, a second-hand shop should get you some great bargains. I once bought a good sofa that way and it was all of $130 or so. Barring that, contact your local social-services agency, who have furniture for even cheaper. DO NOT go to some rent-to-own place, because you're going to pay three times what the furniture is worth when all is said and done.
QUERY: rich person who gives away money
ANSWER: You have SO come to the wrong Web site.
QUERY: broker small investor ~$1000
ANSWER: You want to find a good broker that doesn't charge you up the wazoo for fees and caters to small investors. Consider Scottrade -- they have low minimum balances and very low commissions.
QUERY: america what if you don t tip
ANSWER: It is very bad if you don't tip. For more on this, see Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs," specifically the scene where Mr Pink refuses to put in a buck for the breakfast waitress. Consider the reaction he receives -- from HARDENED CRIMINALS. Friend, that is the best-case scenario for you. Be a man and tip at least 15 pc of your bill, preferably 20 pc.
QUERY: spoilt milk upset stomach
ANSWER: Oy vey.
QUERY: this is to bring to your notice that we are delegated from the united nations in central bank to pay 150 victims of scam $500 000 usd five hundred thounsand dollars each. you are listed and approved for this payment as one of the scammed victims to be paid this amount get back to this office as soon as possible for the immediate payments of your $500 000 usd compensations funds.
ANSWER: Is it just me, or could spammers make off with like half of the nation's wealth IF ONLY they learned how to write a proper letter?
QUERY: all the email adress and names of peoples associated in privet companies in america
ANSWER: Oh, sure, that's easy. Let me check.
QUERY: chubsy from geico commercials
ANSWER: Chubsy was from the Capital One commericals. And the answer is always No.
QUERY: suing your stockbroker?
ANSWER: God help you! You probably can't. This is because investment firms are clever and usually force their customers to go through arbitration.
QUERY: kalamazoo internet creeps
ANSWER: Well, that's the least surprising search-engine string of the day.
QUERY: why is michigan a part of the midwest
ANSWER: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's IN THE MIDDLE of the bloody region.
QUERY: lloyd carr retiring?
ANSWER: Oh, God, I could only wish. Then Ron English could be Michigan's football coach. Then we could get a coach who could ACTUALLY WIN A BOWL GAME.
QUERY: yeah though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil for i am the toughest and meanest son of a bitch there ever was.
ANSWER: Yeah, well, the laws of physics don't care. So you can be tough and mean all you want but if someone has an equalizer than you're out of luck.
QUERY: turn off the seat belt noise from 90 accord
ANSWER: I thought those type of annoying safety features were considered benefits among those who owned Japanese cars.
QUERY: speed trap somerset pennsylvania turnpike 55mph
ANSWER: The whole bloody Pennsylvania Turnpike is a speed trap. Still, thank you for letting everyone know about this. Important driving tip!
QUERY: how many shots of novocaine for deep cleaning
ANSWER: Three -- and my God, the third one was a doozy.
QUERY: fourthmeal wrong message
ANSWER: Of course it's the wrong message. It's a Taco Bell advertisement. Everything about Taco Bell advertisements send the wrong message -- particularly the idea that one can be slim and sexy while eating calorie-laden and fat-laden crap that tastes ... well, it doesn't really have any taste, now does it?
QUERY: stolen recipe collection
ANSWER: Despite your suspicions, Mrs Johnson down the way did not steal your recipe for sausage with sausage and sausage gravy casserole.
QUERY: ben kepple wikipedia
ANSWER: I do not have a wikipedia entry. However, if I did, it would read something like this: Benjamin Kepple is a native of Kalamazoo, Mich., and later attended the University of Michigan. He is the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, and woe bestride those who do not recognize his genius.
QUERY: nerd in high school
ANSWER: Oh, yes. I remember those days well, for I too was a nerd in high school. It may be tough getting through these next few years, but remember -- the wonderful days of college will soon be here. Also, remember that success is the best revenge. One of the cool things about my high school experience is that, as far as I know, I am the only member of my graduating class to have appeared on television. This was a situation that my good friend Simon From Jersey, channeling Chevy Chase, summed up as, "I'm Ben Kepple, and you're not."
So that DID provide a bit of satisfaction -- but to be perfectly honest, only in a very marginal, that's-just-kinda-cool way. You see, when you get older you really don't think about high school. Like, at all. Because it was high school and so penny-ante the idea that you worried about all that crap is just amazing. So content yourself with the knowledge that you'll soon be out in the world and get to take advantage of all its blessings.
Well, that's it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Until next time, this has been Benjamin Kepple, saying, "My God. Look at all this crap. Who are these search-engine people, and how did they get here?"
------
Death of Leona Helmsley Prompts Minor Furore
As Hell Has Trouble Finding Appropriate Punishment
------
Fourth, Fifth, Eighth, Ninth Circles All Make Claim
on Departed Hotelier
------
Demonic Hordes, Little People "Reacted With Glee"
at News of Helmsley's Impending Arrival
------
SECOND CIRCLE, UPPER HELL -- Recently deceased hotelier Leona Helmsley's arrival through the Gates of Hell prompted a minor bureaucratic crisis here on Monday, as authorities struggled to decide just what the appropriate punishment for Helmsley, 87, would be.
Helmsley, a one-time model known for terrorizing her domestic staff and other employees, fighting with her family and her insatiable greed and miserliness, among other myriad sins, arrived to the home of eternal pain with great fanfare. After initially refusing to board Charon's "dingy, dusty rattletrap of a boat," Helmsley received a "tremendous blow to the head" from the ferryman's oar. She was then dumped in a heap before Minos, the terrible demonic judge of the evil dead, who dispatched her to the Eighth Circle's thieving fire. But even after that, Minos said Helmsley "was still managing to cause trouble."
"Oh, not her again," grumbled Minos upon being asked about Helmsley's status. "After long and careful consideration, I dumped her off to the Chasms of Fraud, as it seemed the most appropriate place for her to suffer eternal torment. But just a few hours after I did that, I starting getting e-mails from the Department of Inmate Control and Persecution telling me the demons were so enthused at being able to sink their pitchforks into her that dozens of other souls were escaping the boiling pitch and fleeing for more hospitable climes."
"It's not my fault DICP can't control the savage impulses of its rank-and-file personnel," Minos added. "But now I'm getting bombarded with demands from DICP to send her down to Caina. Meanwhile, the Department of Inmate Processing and Location is demanding she get moved up to the fourth circle to suffer the tortures of the misers and wasters, and the Department of Savage Retribution wants her down on Level Five, where the wretched souls she disdained in life can claw out of the muck and tear her to shreds. It's a complete disaster."
"Meanwhile, the Operations Directorate is fighting with everyone, and -- oh, dammit, hold on, I have to take this," said Minos, as he consulted his BlackBerry.
It's not clear just how many souls managed to escape the Chasms of Fraud when Helmsley arrived; official statements from four separate departments put the numbers at 13, 23, 89 and 4, respectively. According to those on scene when Helmsley arrived, the demonic hordes welcomed Helmsley with "a downright alarming display of savage glee."
"I remember one of the demons said, "Oh! Well! Leona Helmsley! We'll make sure to make your stay here as comfortable as we can!'" said escapee Irving Jones, a former Buffalo resident who was sentenced to the eighth circle for barratry upon his death in 1973. "Then they all started jabbing her with their pitchforks."
"You've got to help me," Jones added. "This has all been some sort of mistake."
"I didn't have any idea who this person was," said fellow escapee Manuel Rodrigues, a 19th century grafter whose greed indirectly contributed to the death of 27 miners in Brazil's Minas Gerais in an 1847 accident. "But some of the other men here told me she had great disdain for the -- how you do say it -- "little people." The demons were so happy to see her. Apparently they had been expecting her for some time. Anyway, when they all started going after her, that's when we all took our chance."
"And never mind this scoundrel here!" Rodrigues said. "So the supports were substandard. It wasn't my fault. Surely you can see I deserve to be on the third circle."
Attempts to contact Hell's higher-level officials were unsuccessful. Hell's corporate policies, which make a point of treating the underworld's human souls with utter contempt and complete disdain, discourage supervisory personnel and forbid executive personnel from discussing the status of inmates in the eternal prison. Only a few of Hell's personnel, such as Minos, are directly authorized to speak with the press.
However, depending on how Helmsley holds up through the tortures, observers believe Helmsley may soon be temporarily relieved from suffering the torments of the damned and work her way up to an entry-level job as a torturer and overseer. That could take place in as few as five thousand years, according to Hell's Personnel Department.
"While the loathesome, horrible witch would still suffer through indescribable pain in such a position, Hell has always taken a utilitarian view of these situations," said Malsueno, a demon who works in the department's processing office. "If she can make the torments meted out to the damned even more horrible, she may well be in line for a position in our demonic-training program for particularly evil souls. Since the third century, we've had a good 100 to 200 souls go through the program and so far, we've had great success with it."
The demon said Helmsley could be considered for the program "as soon as 7380, or maybe 9621" and that much would depend on her competency at filling out the reams of paperwork, forms, liability releases and other documents that are part of the application, believed to be thousands of pages long. She will also have to find a working ink pen, which Malsueno warned are "almost always out of stock" in his department.
When asked if taking part in this program would actually deepen Helmsley's torments once the Final Judgment was at hand, Malsueno just chuckled.
BARRON'S MAGAZINE, one of America's top business publications, has published a beautifully nasty article about Jim Cramer, America's favorite business pundit.
Mr Cramer, as many readers may know, has his own show, "Mad Money," on CNBC. On "Mad Money," Mr Cramer essentially runs around screaming and imparting his market wisdom amidst a bevy of sound effects and calls from enthusiastic stock traders. And Mr Cramer's picks, Barron's found, made money: 12 pc over the last two years. Unfortunately, the magazine also found the NASDAQ made 14 pc, the S&P 500 made 16 pc and the Dow Jones Industrials were up 22 pc over the same period of time.
Oops.
But it gets better. Oh, does it get better.
Barron's Bill Alpert goes after Cramer and his CNBC bosses with every tool in his journalist's arsenal, whether it's neatly dissecting Cramer's stock picks with surgical precision or beating up Cramer and CNBC with a sledgehammer for their reactions to Mr Alpert's investigative efforts, which range from contempt to calculated evasiveness. Mr Alpert writes:
When we asked Cramer and CNBC for their own records of Mad Money's stock-picking performance, they had more excuses than a Tour de France cyclist dodging a blood test. They complained that the list from YourMoneyWatch.com contained some stocks from the program's "Lightning Round," in which Cramer gives a quick analysis and a buy or sell decision on stocks phoned in live by viewers. These, they argued, shouldn't count in our tally.CNBC officials also said that viewers should buy Cramer's picks a week after they're aired. They said that the show is mainly educational, and not just about stock-picking. In the end, they said we should focus only on the tiny universe of stock selections -- about 12 a week -- that Cramer researches the most. And we should do it only for the issues picked this year. CNBC analyzed these stocks, and said that if held for one month, they beat the S&P by 0.8%, or 1.7% after two months. They offered no results for the year-to-date.
If the show's "mainly educational," why does it have a legal disclaimer that runs prior to the show -- for like thirty seconds? Come on, now. Also, CNBC's analytical criteria are a bit -- well, let's just say they're a bit selective. This inspires about as much confidence as CNBC's afternoon crew does. Two months' history. Christ. Mr Alpert's response to this, as you'll see in the story, is to tell CNBC to put up or shut up. "Even cheerleaders," Mr Alpert writes, "need to be held accountable." Ouch.
But perhaps the nastiest part of the story comes when Mr Alpert tells his readers they could have made between 5 pc and 30 pc per year using a trading strategy entirely based on shorting Mr Cramer's stock picks. Now that's poetic justice, particularly given Mr Cramer's background in hedge funds.
Speaking of which, Mr Alpert also cheerfully looks at Mr Cramer's own trading past and some of the techniques he used to make money over the years. Mr Alpert writes:
If Mad Money offers unconvincing proof of Cramer's long-term stock-picking prowess, so does his account of his hedge-fund activities. His memoir suggests that some of Cramer Berkowitz's profit came from clever trading. The $300 million fund might execute hundreds of trades a day, some of them a bit gimmicky. Cramer describes how they'd find a stock in which selling had petered out, then build a position. Next, they'd hunt up some bullish news on the company and feed it to sellside analysts and reporters. On the subsequent rise, Cramer could profit by selling out his position. "Buzz merchandising," his book calls it. Smart and effective, but definitely not in the fuddy-duddy style of Graham & Dodd.In December, Cramer made a video for TheStreet.com describing the ways his hedge fund had used tricky trading techniques. He said hedge funds could pass negative rumors to "bozo" reporters. When the video circulated through Wall Street and caused an uproar, Cramer said that he'd only been talking hypothetically, to blow the whistle on the hedge-fund industry's bad actors.
I don't know why the video would have caused an uproar, unless it was the typical reaction people have when one of their own sells them down the river for no appreciable gain. Of course hedge funds and other insiders peddle shit to reporters -- and supposedly objective equity analysts. Why these reporters and analysts do not properly account for their sources' motivations is beyond me -- in business, the cui bono question is not just an old saying -- but that is a post for another day.
But let's get back to the matter at hand. The gist of all this is that Cramer made you 12 pc and the NASDAQ made you 14 pc and the S&P 500 made you 16 pc over the past two years. While Mr Alpert's story doesn't have the technical numbers to say this with absolute certainty, it would seem probable that Mr Cramer's stock-picking results in negative alpha for "Mad Money" viewers. Meaning that it would be entirely mad to watch Mr Cramer with the idea of getting some winning stock-market picks.
However, even I won't deny Mr Cramer is fun to watch on television -- if only because his antics are so outlandish. It is arresting television viewing -- and I'll admit I've watched segments for far longer than I otherwise would have because I want to see if, finally, this is the day Mr Cramer throws out his back, goes into cardiac arrest, beats up one of his producers or does something really outlandish, like challenging Bob Pisani to pistols at dawn. YAAAAAAAAARGH!
WHILE I'M CERTAINLY GLAD to be back and blogging again, I should note that a technical snafu nearly prevented all this swell blogging from taking place tonight. The log-in script somehow got fouled up and I couldn't sign into my blog, even though all my files were still there. I reacted like any blogger would do in such a situation -- I completely panicked and called Dean Esmay, my technical guru and all-around good guy -- to get his take on the situation.
Dean graciously took time out of his Sunday night to assist me through the process. This despite the fact that it was a) Sunday night, b) he is recovering from breaking two ribs, c) it was something that was easily solved with a note to the technical assistance people at my hosting service and d) I am a notorious technofeeb. So on behalf of everyone here at The Rant, I'd like to thank Dean for his gracious help and understanding. It was greatly appreciated.
THAT MAY BE TRUE, but if I lived in Ohio's Cuyahoga County -- hi Mom! hi Dad! hi Jesse! -- I would be somewhat concerned knowing my county government basically cribbed its entire civilian evacuation plan from Kansas City. Here are the key quotes from the The Kansas City Star:
While he found the imitation flattering, D.A. Christian, Kansas City emergency management director, said Cuyahoga County might have been misled.The alliance’s report, he pointed out, is based largely on the relative abundance of highways leading out of Kansas City.
“They didn’t even look at the evacuation plan,” he said.
Melissa Rodrigo, manager of Cuyahoga County Emergency Management, said she figured that if Kansas City scored high enough on the study to gain national attention, the city probably had an evacuation plan worth checking out, even if the two are not directly related.
Last week, Cuyahoga County commissioners unanimously adopted the plan, which has been in the works for more than a year.
But two commissioners, now worried that the plan is not tailored to the county’s needs, said it needed to be re-evaluated, the newspaper said.
For example, Kansas City’s plan includes nothing about being sandwiched between two nuclear power plants. Nor does it factor in Lake Erie blocking all possibility of a northbound escape.
Yeah, those things might be SOMEWHAT IMPORTANT for Cleveland and its surrounding environs to consider, if only because of the high proba