August 21, 2007

Nothing From Nothing Leaves Nothing

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...

An occasional Rant feature

IN ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, there's a scene in which one of the Watergate plumbers is being arraigned and he is asked his occupation. "Anti-Communist," he responded. It was not an accurate answer but one that expressed how he saw himself in his heart. Along those lines, my occupation can be summed up in those great lines from Billy Preston: don't you remember I told ja / I'm a soldier / in the War on Poverty.

For the most part, I'm devoted to fighting that in the financial sense of the phrase, but any poverty will do -- particularly if it's intellectual poverty. Based on the search-engine queries I get here at The Rant, there exist in the United States and elsewhere giant reserves of intellectual poverty. These are so vast, in fact, that if we were able to refine that intellectual poverty and use it to power our automobiles, the Middle East would wake up tomorrow and discover it was suddenly broke.

Sadly, however, those reserves only serve as grist for the blog-entry mill, and as such really can't be monetized. This is a shame because intellectual poverty these days is in such great supply that it is the intellectual equivalent of solar power -- cheap, efficient and inexhaustible. Still, the situation isn't all bad, as stupidity makes for great blog entries, and hoo boy did I receive some lulus in the search-engine log this month. So let's get to it!

QUERY: the philadelphia eagles rap song for 2004

ANSWER: The last Eagles song I ever heard of was, "I Saw Mommy Booing Santa Claus," so I really don't have an answer to this one. However, I'm sure the chorus has some variant of the phrase, "We blew it again."

QUERY: what high did mary lou retton attend?

ANSWER: Mary Lou Retton is high on life and as such would never attend any gathering where illegal activities were being conducted, much less take part in those activities. Although that DOES remind me of that old "In Living Color" sketch where Mr Rogers went around committing all sorts of acts and was able to get away with it because he was Mr Rogers, and no one believed he would do such things. I mean, can you imagine if Mary Lou Retton -- Mary Lou Retton, for God's sake -- ever got in trouble? It'd be like when Elvis died all over again.

QUERY: bengals cake

ANSWER: To properly decorate a Cincinnati Bengals-themed cake, make sure to include the phone numbers of all your local bail bondsmen as part of the decorative icing.

QUERY: how many bengals have been arrested

ANSWER: I lost track after the first dozen.

QUERY: what is wrong with brady quinn

ANSWER: How much time do we have?

QUERY: brady quinn is an ass

ANSWER: Well, let's just call that Item No. 1 on the list.

QUERY: how to get brady quinn s autograph

ANSWER: First, remove your wallet from your pocket and put all your currency on a table. Next, reach over and grab your ankles. You'll get it eventually. Let's call that Item No. 2 on the list.

QUERY: photos of ben roethlisberger being sacked by the colts

ANSWER: You have SO come to the wrong blog.

QUERY: saskatchewan roughriders fans are idiots

ANSWER: I'll hear no talk against my beloved Melonheads, who are clearly so starved for football action up on the prairies that they root for the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

QUERY: consider yourself one of the lucky ones

ANSWER: I do. As Mayakovsky might have put it had he lived in a better age: "You now -- read this and envy: I am a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers."

QUERY: oakland can still win wild card

ANSWER: Well, yeah, the season hasn't started yet. Give it a few weeks.

QUERY: ace of base foreign affairs

ANSWER: OK, that's an important safety tip for Americans who might have to call upon the services of the Swedish Government in hostile countries -- you may be subjected to bad dance music.

QUERY: shots of jose cuervo country song

ANSWER: Fifteen shots of ... uh ... gee, there's a worm in this and everything!

QUERY: 1980 s song- chorus goes woo oooooooo

ANSWER: Oh, well that REALLY narrows it down, pal. Honestly, I can't -- hey, wait. That actually does narrow it down! It's "Stuck on You" by Huey Lewis and the News!

QUERY: vehicular vandalism missouri punishment

ANSWER: Death. Well, it should be.

QUERY: how many ounces does a punch bowl hold

ANSWER: 256.

QUERY: physical imperfections are also beautiful

ANSWER: Um, no, they're not. Trust me -- as a physically imperfect person myself, I know this full well. I've got to rely on my wit and charm and intermediate knowledge of the financial markets, and all that said, I think my physical stature counts for a hell of a lot more in those equations. Unfortunately.

QUERY: kate winslet weighs

ANSWER: That's about the last thing on my mind when I see a picture of Kate Winslet.

QUERY: does ladies night mean ladies only?

ANSWER: No. That said, you probably shouldn't let that answer get your hopes up.

QUERY: 36 000 americans wear what per good housekeeping magazine

ANSWER: Hmmmm. Well, it's got to be one of two things -- either "nothing" or "thong-th-thong-thong-thong!"

QUERY: shannyn sossamon no longer dating dallas clayton

ANSWER: My God. The horror.

QUERY: why do women have more pairs of shoes than clothes

ANSWER: I suspect it has something to do with the fact that women need lots of shoes to go with their outfits. I am not an expert on this subject because I order my shoes through the mail. Well, I would if I didn't ask for a new pair of shoes every Christmas and got them. I have bad feet so I wear one brand/type of shoes pretty much constantly; they're nice enough for work but also good for wearing around the house.

QUERY: engagement ring he dumped me and wants it back

ANSWER: Uh, you might want to check your local laws, but I don't think you have to give it back. He's the one who broke the promise, not you, so I'd say you get to keep the ring on general principle grounds. Whether you can do so on legal grounds is another question, though.

QUERY: lauren jones has signed off from the ktyx-tv eye of east texas

ANSWER: I'm glad to see that Texas' broadcast journalism standards may soon get back to their formerly high station. She was quite pretty, though. Maybe Fox News has an opening!

QUERY: men who disappear then reappear in dating

ANSWER: Gee, I wonder what they're after!

QUERY: reasons to date a journalist

ANSWER: As Jacobs once put it, "Journalists are two inches taller, better dancers and much more fun to be with." We're useful at dinner parties, know all the good restaurants in town and have plenty of roguish charm. Which is good since we're all broke.

QUERY: valentine smart remarks

ANSWER: If you want your Valentine's Day to be, uh, memorable, you'll steer away from the sarcasm, son.

QUERY: contracting scabies from a motel

ANSWER: Next time, stay at a place that doesn't charge by the hour.

QUERY: jury duty is fibromyalgia an excuse

ANSWER: No. You'll just have to get a good's night sleep beforehand.

QUERY: the most insane qdro ever written

ANSWER: Heh, she got you GOOD, didn't she? Sorry, buddy, but I think you're out of luck.

QUERY: \ capital one\ \ bomb

ANSWER: Dear God! The mortgages! What's happened to the mortgages?!

QUERY: foreign currency cds

ANSWER: I had a long post on this a while back. Do a search in the search box for it. The long and short of that post, though, is that you're better off sticking with boring old dollar accounts because the higher interest rates aren't worth the risks one will take with the currency fluctuation.

QUERY: are coffee drinkers wealthy or poor and middle class?

ANSWER: But everyone loves coffee!

QUERY: us culture of nivea skincare products

ANSWER: The success of the Nivea line of skincare products shows that even if you hire the most smarmy-sounding announcer in the world, a guy whose very voice wants to make you punch him in the face repeatedly, it will not stop you from selling bunches of product.

QUERY: diarrhea mcdonald s salad

ANSWER: No, you can't sue.

QUERY: expensive yuppie drinks

ANSWER: Cosmoapplevodkatini! Yay cosmoapplevodkatini!

QUERY: will sell grade hardwood for pre-1964 silver coin

ANSWER: Howard Ruff? Call your office!

QUERY: how to currency speculate

ANSWER: That you're asking this question suggests you should stay very far away from the exciting and volatile world of forex trading.

QUERY: is it stupid to use a large brokerage firm?

ANSWER: Well, that all depends on how much money you have. If you have only a little, it makes sense to start with a firm that caters to your needs appropriately, and doesn't ding you here and there with fees. Brown & Co. had a great advertising campaign to this effect a while back -- to the point where "free tcotchkes!" became a private Kepple catch-phrase.

QUERY: movie hardcharging stockbroker

ANSWER: Aren't they all? I mean, I never heard of a good movie in which the main stockbroker character cleared out at 4 p.m. every day and went home to the family.

QUERY: i can t afford living room furniture

ANSWER: Go to a decent second-hand shop and see what you can pick up. If you're like me, and you don't particularly care about furniture, a second-hand shop should get you some great bargains. I once bought a good sofa that way and it was all of $130 or so. Barring that, contact your local social-services agency, who have furniture for even cheaper. DO NOT go to some rent-to-own place, because you're going to pay three times what the furniture is worth when all is said and done.

QUERY: rich person who gives away money

ANSWER: You have SO come to the wrong Web site.

QUERY: broker small investor ~$1000

ANSWER: You want to find a good broker that doesn't charge you up the wazoo for fees and caters to small investors. Consider Scottrade -- they have low minimum balances and very low commissions.

QUERY: america what if you don t tip

ANSWER: It is very bad if you don't tip. For more on this, see Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs," specifically the scene where Mr Pink refuses to put in a buck for the breakfast waitress. Consider the reaction he receives -- from HARDENED CRIMINALS. Friend, that is the best-case scenario for you. Be a man and tip at least 15 pc of your bill, preferably 20 pc.

QUERY: spoilt milk upset stomach

ANSWER: Oy vey.

QUERY: this is to bring to your notice that we are delegated from the united nations in central bank to pay 150 victims of scam $500 000 usd five hundred thounsand dollars each. you are listed and approved for this payment as one of the scammed victims to be paid this amount get back to this office as soon as possible for the immediate payments of your $500 000 usd compensations funds.

ANSWER: Is it just me, or could spammers make off with like half of the nation's wealth IF ONLY they learned how to write a proper letter?

QUERY: all the email adress and names of peoples associated in privet companies in america

ANSWER: Oh, sure, that's easy. Let me check.

QUERY: chubsy from geico commercials

ANSWER: Chubsy was from the Capital One commericals. And the answer is always No.

QUERY: suing your stockbroker?

ANSWER: God help you! You probably can't. This is because investment firms are clever and usually force their customers to go through arbitration.

QUERY: kalamazoo internet creeps

ANSWER: Well, that's the least surprising search-engine string of the day.

QUERY: why is michigan a part of the midwest

ANSWER: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's IN THE MIDDLE of the bloody region.

QUERY: lloyd carr retiring?

ANSWER: Oh, God, I could only wish. Then Ron English could be Michigan's football coach. Then we could get a coach who could ACTUALLY WIN A BOWL GAME.

QUERY: yeah though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil for i am the toughest and meanest son of a bitch there ever was.

ANSWER: Yeah, well, the laws of physics don't care. So you can be tough and mean all you want but if someone has an equalizer than you're out of luck.

QUERY: turn off the seat belt noise from 90 accord

ANSWER: I thought those type of annoying safety features were considered benefits among those who owned Japanese cars.

QUERY: speed trap somerset pennsylvania turnpike 55mph

ANSWER: The whole bloody Pennsylvania Turnpike is a speed trap. Still, thank you for letting everyone know about this. Important driving tip!

QUERY: how many shots of novocaine for deep cleaning

ANSWER: Three -- and my God, the third one was a doozy.

QUERY: fourthmeal wrong message

ANSWER: Of course it's the wrong message. It's a Taco Bell advertisement. Everything about Taco Bell advertisements send the wrong message -- particularly the idea that one can be slim and sexy while eating calorie-laden and fat-laden crap that tastes ... well, it doesn't really have any taste, now does it?

QUERY: stolen recipe collection

ANSWER: Despite your suspicions, Mrs Johnson down the way did not steal your recipe for sausage with sausage and sausage gravy casserole.

QUERY: ben kepple wikipedia

ANSWER: I do not have a wikipedia entry. However, if I did, it would read something like this: Benjamin Kepple is a native of Kalamazoo, Mich., and later attended the University of Michigan. He is the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, and woe bestride those who do not recognize his genius.

QUERY: nerd in high school

ANSWER: Oh, yes. I remember those days well, for I too was a nerd in high school. It may be tough getting through these next few years, but remember -- the wonderful days of college will soon be here. Also, remember that success is the best revenge. One of the cool things about my high school experience is that, as far as I know, I am the only member of my graduating class to have appeared on television. This was a situation that my good friend Simon From Jersey, channeling Chevy Chase, summed up as, "I'm Ben Kepple, and you're not."

So that DID provide a bit of satisfaction -- but to be perfectly honest, only in a very marginal, that's-just-kinda-cool way. You see, when you get older you really don't think about high school. Like, at all. Because it was high school and so penny-ante the idea that you worried about all that crap is just amazing. So content yourself with the knowledge that you'll soon be out in the world and get to take advantage of all its blessings.

Well, that's it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Until next time, this has been Benjamin Kepple, saying, "My God. Look at all this crap. Who are these search-engine people, and how did they get here?"

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at August 21, 2007 01:25 AM | TrackBack
Post a comment

Remember personal info?