August 24, 2007

Football Season: You Know I Love It

AH, FOOTBALL SEASON. A time when families gather together; a time when new dreams are born and old rivalries are renewed; a time when drunken fans allegedly commit cringe-inducing felonies of the highest order against their enemies, and fans from other conferences look on and say, "Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa! That shit's just WRONG."

This year's first Drunken Football Fan Award may well go to Allen Michael Beckett, 53, of Oklahoma City, provided a jury of his peers finds him guilty of, uh, "sacking" a University of Texas fan who made the mistake of wearing Texas gear into an Oklahoma City bar. has the scoop:

This year's Texas - OU rivalry is off to a bloody start, thanks in part to Oklahoma Sooners football fan Allen Michael Beckett, 53, of Oklahoma City.

Beckett is charged with aggravated assault and battery for causing "extensive damage to another man's scrotum".

It all started when Beckett began harrassing Texas Longhorns fan Brian Thomas for wearing a UT shirt into Henry Hudson's Pub.

The post then quotes The Oklahoman newspaper, which reports:

Thomas said Beckett, whom he had never met, called him "everything under the sun" for wearing a Longhorns T-shirt into the bar.

He said he and his friend sat at a table in the corner and tried to ignore the other man, but other man -- who apparently is a University of Oklahoma fan -- kept screaming at him.

Thomas said he decided he'd had enough after about 20 minutes of Beckett's abuse so he went to the bar to pay his tab. When he turned around, he said Beckett grabbed his crotch and refused to let go.

Thomas hit the other man several times before several bar patrons intervened, but Thomas said Beckett didn't let go until Thomas heard his scrotum tear and blood ran down his leg.

GOD! GOD GOD GOD! That gives me the shivers just thinking about it! Even worse, it took SIXTY stitches to sow up Mr Thomas, an ordeal I can only imagine was about as bad as the initial injury. Then again, I can't imagine it. My brain won't let me go there.

Amazingly, according to The Oklahoman, Mr Beckett faces up to just five years in prison if convicted of the charge against him. You would think in a God-fearing state like Oklahoma, the penalty would be something more fitting, like death. I mean, you don't DO that to another man. I don't care if he walked into the bar wearing Texas colors -- that's just uncivilized. You don't mess around with the meat-and-two-veg, if you know what I'm saying.

Now, this is not to say there might not be times when a "bit of fun" might be allowable on General Principle Grounds. For instance, if some lunkhead Michigan State fan walked into a Michigan bar and started cheering like a dumbass just because his crappy team managed to score a touchdown, it would be perfectly permissible for a Michigan fan to take the Spartan's Zima and dump it over the Spartan's ill-bred, ill-mannered, 80-IQ, backward-cap-wearing frat boy douchebag head. Along those lines, if a group of Ohio State fans wandered into a Michigan bar and started insulting the Maize and Blue fans within, it would be perfectly permissible for the waitstaff to spit on their nachos and give their order to the surliest, angriest cook in the back. (Ohio State fans are notoriously lousy tippers and never ever recognize good service).

But even if Michigan went 6-6 in a year, and lost to Michigan State AND Ohio State, it would never be permissible for a Michigan fan to assault them. In part, that's because Michigan fans rule and as such have no need to engage in such unsporting behavior. We will eventually have our revenge, because we always do. That's why so many fans from other teams fear and loathe us. We are Michigan. We are the winningest team in college football history. We have the largest stadium in the United States. We have 42 conference championships. Plus, if we do lose, our extensive alumni network will fan out around the country and make life miserable for graduates of the institutions that somehow manage to defeat us. ("It says here you're a USC graduate, Mr Smith -- I'm sorry, we haven't any positions open right now. Oh, and no, you can't have a loan.")

Other fans of Big Ten schools -- even Michigan State -- would also not stoop to such wretched levels. Even though their teams are not Michigan, and as such not as cool as we are, they are members of the Big Ten and the Big Ten doesn't condone that shit. We are not, after all, the SEC. Nor are we the Big Twelve, the conference of which Texas and Oklahoma are a part. (And just what the hell is wrong with Oklahoma, anyway? My God).

And I daresay Mr Beckett's alleged action would make even the barbarians in Florida give pause for a moment. It's one thing to try and kill opposing players with your helmets in an on-field brawl, but another entirely to go after some fan's manhood.

I trust the justice system will move swiftly and try Mr Beckett in all due course, and if he is convicted, I am sure it will mete out a proper punishment, even if it is not death. For what Mr Beckett did not apparently think about, prior to the incidents in question, was that his actions would tarnish the honor of the University of Oklahoma, its football team, and its fans. I mean, my God. EVERYONE was going to root for Oklahoma against the goddamned Longhorns. EVERYONE. But now? Who wants to root for a team whose fans would ... God! The horror! The horror!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at August 24, 2007 09:08 PM | TrackBack
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