April 02, 2004

UPDATE: Hackers Caught!

HAMILTON, BERMUDA -- Triumphant officials at Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant Inc., an Internet content firm based here, announced early this morning it had caught the hackers believed responsible for defacing its Web site on April 1, 2004.

Alleged hacker Biff X. Stone, 22, of Ypsilanti, Mich., was being held at The Rant's new detention facility located on a small island just off Hainan, in the South China Sea. Company officials were ecstatic over the news, rewarding Vice President for Information Technology Ned Henries with a "paid trip to Miami on the expense account" and "this great old bottle of Haig & Haig we'd been saving up for things like this."

"Mr Henries has done a fantastic job in restoring both the site to its status quo ante performance and serving up this Stone fellow's head on a platter," said Benjamin Kepple, the firm's chief executive. "Mr Henries couldn't be with us today, as we thought it only fair he should get back to his Cozumel cruise. But we've created this handy graphic to show you how 'all that shiznit went down,' as the kids say."

Seeking to allay investor concerns over the damage, Kepple assured them that record traffic to the site had resulted in its wake. He credited the firm's quick response with not only containing damage that could have arisen, but also leading the firm to new heights.

"We can assure you that traffic spiked a full 200 percent above standard daily averages and a full 50 percent over our past high," Kepple said, as The Rant's accounting department did "the happy dance" in the background. "We are incredibly pleased with this, and would add that this should show our parent firm's Financial Services and Transport Divisions that the Intellectual Property Division is doing just fine."

Shares of the firm rose 3p to 94p on the London exchange in mid-day trading; trading in its American Depository Receipts on the NASDAQ exchange were also expected to be higher, according to financial analysts.

"This is a major coup d'etat for the company," said Marvin Wixgate, an Internet analyst with Completely Fair and Balanced Research Really We Swear LLC, a division of City brokerage house Collude and Whipsaw. "We're bullish on the upside, that's for sure."

"Eurodollar petrochem basis point, ECB CES double-plus good!" Wixgate added with enthusiasm. "LIBOR debenture stable."

At the press conference, also notable for its buttery croissants and good coffee, Kepple was joined via satellite by Colonel Yin, the firm's new contractor in charge of its detention facility. Colonel Yin will be tasked with forcing Stone, the alleged hacker, to provide a full and voluntary confession for his reported misdeeds.

"We are pleased to have this opportunity to work closely with our new partners in this exciting new joint venture," Colonel Yin said. Security measures at the facility are top of the line, he added, including this one guy with a flame-thrower who guards a creaky bridge.

"You lose!" said Yin, addressing Stone directly.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at April 2, 2004 08:21 AM | TrackBack