April 03, 2004

Search Engine Queries Answered

YES, IT'S TIME FOR YET ANOTHER round of "Search Engine Queries Answered," in which we mock the people who inadvertently stumble upon The Rant looking for information about ... well, apparently everything under the sun, and not all of it legal.

Honestly, some of these queries are enough to make us despair about the human condition, not that we weren't already despairing about it. Good Lord. Of course, we know full well that by answering certain moronic queries, we simply increase our chances of getting "hits" from others looking for the same things. Thus begins a vicious cycle of despair and misery from which we will likely never escape. But since we can't escape, we may as well go into this with full force! So let's begin, shall we...

QUERY: public nudity

This is consistently the top search request at The Rant, and for the life of us, we can't understand why. People -- there will most certainly NOT be any public nudity displayed here at The Rant. There will not even be pictures of foxy women. The Rant is simply a "dimension of mind," which we note would make a hell of name for a blog.

QUERY: cheer lider free nude sites

The fact that we have received multiple queries for this particular search string truly bothers us. What ARE they teaching in schools these days? It's L-E-A-D-E-R, first of all, and "cheerleader" is one word. Visitors who arrive at The Rant looking for such things ought go elsewhere.

QUERY: clubbing baby seals

Dear God in Heaven. We certainly hope that people are merely looking for jokes about this topic, as opposed to actual photos or videos of baby seals being clubbed. That said, we understand the Canadians unfortunate to live above the sixtieth parallel do this frequently, as seals are apparently rather nasty creatures.

QUERY: how can i listen to the whole song of \ don t tell me\ by avril lavigne?

Some of our friends also haven't figured out how anyone can do this. That said, we have the strange ability to listen to songs over and over and over again, as we "tune them out" into the background. This allows us to listen to the Bee Gees more than others have thought any human being could stand.

QUERY: views on predestination and free will

Predestination is a logical fallacy incompatible with the recognized doctrine of free will. Simply because God is omniscient does not mean He has willed things to happen. That's it in a nutshell.

QUERY: companies that have gone from traditional to transformed organizational model in the last five year

You will find most of those on the OTC exchange. As for the rest, you should have bought into them earlier before they became overpriced. Anyway, show me a company that has gone from a transformed to a traditional organizational model and I might just buy shares in it, provided they're really cheap.

QUERY: protestants do not have fun

This is why we became Papist! Of course we kid. But this is not to say Protestants cannot have fun either; it merely depends on your denomination. For instance, we know from personal experience that a Methodist can commit all manner of vice, and be forgiven for it provided he or she brings a really great dish to the church potluck dinner.

QUERY: the passion of the christ confused about snake and satan

See Genesis 3:15.

QUERY: where are power and glory found in the power and the glory by graham greene

The whole bloody book, that's where. And don't buy the Cliffs Notes version either; just read it. It will be worth doing, trust us.

QUERY: 1974 xenia tornado movie

Ah! Now here's a query in which we're very much interested. As every Midwesterner knows, the horrible 1974 super-storm which blasted through southwestern Ohio spawned hundreds upon hundreds of tornadoes. The Xenia tornado was one of the worst. The top photo here shows just how big this F-5 tornado was; there are also plenty of videos on the Web. Look for Bruce Boyd's 8mm film of the tornado as it unleashed its devastating, apocalyptic fury upon that wretched city.

Well, that's it for this edition of "Search Engine Queries Answered." Look for it again next month!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at April 3, 2004 09:24 AM | TrackBack

Don't know if I ever mentioned it, but the tornadoes that day destroyed the church that Uncle Dave and Aunt Janet were to be married in come June of that year, as well as Aunt Janet's home - both in Cincinnati! Nasty! -CJ

Posted by: cousin jannie at April 3, 2004 03:57 PM

Cousin Jannie has it right --- we were in our sophomore year at Ohio U. "the Harvard on the Hocking" at that time. Drove to Cincinnati the next day to find my future in-laws' neighborhood devastated. Not lethal as in Xenia, but very destructive. . . . The 30th anniversary of the Xenia tornado has been a big deal around here today.

Posted by: Uncle Dave at April 3, 2004 11:19 PM

Meanwhile, I have to admit I actually did "laugh out loud" when I got to your "Dear God in Heaven" remark about the Clubbing Baby Seals search queries. That being said, there's really no way to put a happy face on that type of search, is there?!

Dave K. <><

Posted by: Uncle Dave at April 3, 2004 11:21 PM