April 01, 2004

Communists Hack The Rant

HAMILTON, BERMUDA -- Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant, an Internet content provider based here, said its Web site was hacked sometime around 10 p.m. last night. The company has blamed Communism.

"We just don't understand how they could have guessed the password," a distraught Benjamin Kepple said at a news conference, hastily convened after he was informed of the security breach. "My God. It's not as if anyone actually saw the "Addams Family" movie anyway. Look what they've done to the site!"

"This is just so embarrassing," Kepple added, as he took a sedative and looked, bleary-eyed, into several television cameras. "God. Aspirin. I need some aspirin."

According to Kepple, the security intrusion prompted a Code Yellow alert at company facilities worldwide. While not the most serious response possible -- Code Red involves the mass burning of papers, the activation of the firm's helicopter escape fleet, and moving the precious-metals cache and other negotiable instruments to a heavily-guarded and secure location -- the company was forced to temporarily lock down its facilities, detain personnel, and cancel top executives' vacation plans.

"We can assure our valued customers that we will have the problem fixed within 24 hours," Kepple said, as he prepared another gin. "We're not going to let these scheming Reds ruin all that we've worked so hard to accomplish. We can assure our customers, investors and others that we are already on the trail of these criminals."

"As a precaution, we've also had our security chief, Colonel Payne, cashiered," Kepple added, saying that Lt. Col. Smith had taken over the firm's response.

Investigators looking into the security breach reported that a cryptic note had been left at Rant headquarters two days prior. No one thought much of it at the time, a factor which observers believe may have led to Payne's early retirement. The text of the note, written by a "Comrade Biff" and which was sent from a post office box in Ypsilanti, Mich., read as follows:

"Здравствулте! собаки капиталиста Yankee идущие! Ваши инструменты
невластны против диалектики марксиста! Вы дотла будете разрушены и
ваши требухи devoured витком данным по людей славным!"

Detectives are baffled as to what the note means, and were reportedly consulting history experts to discern the message described therein.

Ned Henries, director of the firm's Information Technology Department, joined Kepple at the news conference. He pledged that normal operations would be restored as of 12 a.m. on Friday, and warned that his staff was well on their way to identifying the culprit or culprits.

"They will not escape. No jurisdictional hassles, no petty arguments about the rule of law, nothing will prevent us from taking revenge upon the people who ruined my cruise to Cozumel," Henries vowed.

The breach was the first to take place at The Rant's Web site since it debuted last June. However, in March 2002, a contingent of the firm's Cayman Islands-based operation was found to have skimmed one of the company's accounts. The skimming operation was shut down after the firm's Bermuda headquarters sent in a squad of mercenaries to deal with the thieves.

UPDATE 4/02/04: The security matter has been solved. However, those wishing to see the damage that had been done may click here.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at April 1, 2004 12:23 AM | TrackBack
Comments

This is stunning and shakes my confidence in the entire Kepco group of companies and its media products. Frankly, it calls into question the overall competancy of Mr. Kepple and his staff of lackies. If a global media and financial powerhouse such as the Daily Rant lacks the basic skill sets needed to ensure proper internet security, how can we trust it other vital areas such as movie reviews and interesting new recipes.

Posted by: Swammi in Solon at April 1, 2004 08:58 AM

I think perhaps Maureen Hartford is finally getting her revenge, Ben.

Posted by: Geoff Brown at April 1, 2004 09:21 AM

This is indeed terrible news! Here I've only been dealing with spammers and you've been fending off the Communists! It certainly puts my problems in perspective.

Posted by: Allison at April 1, 2004 10:43 AM

I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants.

Happy Foole Day, brother Ben.

Posted by: Brian Linse at April 1, 2004 05:01 PM