May 16, 2009

This Year's NFL Predictions

OH, NOW THIS is fraught with peril. Although I've been known to have some success with my prognostication, I have well learned that predicting how all 32 teams in the National Football League will do in the upcoming season will ... well, difficult. Certainly my picks last year were largely off, although I did accurately predict Pittsburgh and San Diego would win their respective divisions, and my call for the Steelers to go 11-5 was one game shy of the team's actual achievement.

So I'm going to give it another try. Here's how all 32 NFL teams will do next year. You're welcome.


Pittsburgh: 13-3
Baltimore: 10-6
Cleveland: 9-7
Cincinnati: 4-12

Pittsburgh's schedule is much easier than it was last year and I can really only see three games they could conceivably lose: the first, against the Tennessee Titans; the second, against the San Diego Chargers; and third, probably one game against the Baltimore Ravens, who are evil. Baltimore surprised me last year and so I think they'll do well this time around too -- particularly if quarterback Joe Flacco improves. I'm also hoping beyond hope that lowly Cleveland will get a winning season, although they won't make it to the playoffs or beat the Steelers; and as for Cincinnati, well, God help them!


Tennessee: 12-4
Indianapolis: 11-5
Houston: 8-8
Jacksonville: 6-10

I'm thinking Tennessee might still be pretty good. I think the Colts will be too, although I would like nothing more than for the Colts to crash and burn and go 2-14. Also, if Peyton Manning could start off the season rusty again, and then end up griping and moaning because he can't throw the ball when he gets forced out of the pocket, that would be great. Houston ... well, I feel bad for Houston, because I like them and they're in a really tough division, so what are you gonna do? As for Jacksonville -- meh. 6-10 if they're lucky.


New York: 10-6
New England: 10-6
Miami: 9-7
Buffalo: 7-9

The Jets, to my eye, have the easiest schedule this year -- so they'll probably end up winning the division. No, really. Plus, if their rookie quarterback turns out half-decent, he might be all right. New England got screwed with its schedule and I'm not impressed with the team so far, even though Brady will be Brady (if he wasn't going to be Brady, the Pats would have kept Cassel). Still, it will take time before he's the old Brady everyone hates. I mean, loves. Miami will have a tough go of it due to its schedule, and Buffalo -- good luck with that, Buffalo.


San Diego: 9-7
Kansas City: 8-8
Denver: 5-11
Oakland: 3-13

San Diego is the toughest squad in this cupcake of a division. Kansas City will be better but they have a long way to go, the Denver Broncos will be a disaster and Oakland -- well, that's what happens when your team is dysfunctional.


Chicago: 9-7
Detroit: 8-8
Green Bay: 6-10
Minnesota: 5-11

STOP LAUGHING. Detroit is going to go 8-8 this year. You mark my words. Plus, they might even exceed that and get a wild card spot. STOP LAUGHING, I said.

He who underestimates Detroit will get a boot in his ass come game time, for Detroit still has Calvin Johnson and now has that Stafford guy and more importantly Larry Foote, formerly of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Larry Foote is not going to take shit from anyone. Larry Foote's presence is worth at least two games in the win column. So sayeth me.

Based on how the Vikings fans react down at Billy's every season, there is no way Minnesota will ever do anything unless they get rid of the team's coach, whom they affectionately refer to as "Baldy." I have it on good authority that Baldy must go, now, or he's going to ruin the entire season. Plus, they don't have a decent quarterback.

Green Bay? Please. Team's going downhill. As for the Bears ... well, they'll probably win the division and go on to the playoffs, only to get knocked out pretty quick.


Atlanta: 10-6
Carolina: 9-7
New Orleans: 8-8
Tampa Bay: 4-12

I could care less about the NFC South, which only becomes important to me once every few years, or whenever it appears one of their teams could make it into the Super Bowl. Atlanta will come out on top, I think. Oh, and Tampa Bay's going to stink, 'cause they're not spending money on talent.


Arizona: 10-6
San Francisco: 7-9
St. Louis: 4-12
Seattle: 3-13

Arizona! They're like the Steelers, except they're out West, and they play in the desert. Also they're in the NFC West, which is a cupcake division and nothing like the AFC North. So they're going to win the thing. San Francisco will get better this year, but won't be spectacular; St. Louis will stink as usual and Seattle ... heh. I don't care how loud that stadium gets, they ... kinda suck.


Philadelphia: 12-4
New York: 10-6
Washington: 8-8
Dallas: 7-9

Oh, I know -- sacrilege. How dare I say America's Team will end up last in the NFC East? I don't know, maybe it's because they choke like nobody's business? And they haven't won a playoff game in 12 years? And every time the Cowboys lose an angel gets its wings? Even though they have a pretty easy schedule this year, I still say they're going to fall apart like they always do.

Washington: they'll be better, but they'll still kind of stink. New York will be pretty good. But the best squad is clearly Philadelphia, which is still going to be angry they didn't make it to the Super Bowl last year. The good news, however, is that they'll once again fail to get to the Super Bowl this year, and as a result will collapse in enmity and frustration.

So there you have it. Also, Pittsburgh wins Super Bowl XLIV over the Atlanta Falcons, 27-14.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at May 16, 2009 09:47 PM | TrackBack
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