May 16, 2009

All the Time in the World

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...

An occasional Rant feature

LOYAL RANT READERS -- and there are a few hundred left, apparently -- may recall the timeline of events over the past few months. I was quite busy, and then became exceedingly busy for several months earlier this year, only to find myself now not busy at all.

As a result, I now can work on yet another edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! For those readers unfamiliar with this exercise, this involves me looking over the various search engine queries through which people have arrived at the site, and chuckling over them. Then I write (hopefully) clever responses so you too can chuckle at them. So, without further ado, here we go!

QUERY: accidentally served meat in restaurant

ANSWER: I don't understand why this is a problem. Oh, I'm sure it was traumatic and upsetting to get the roast duck served up to you, but here's the thing -- it's meat. Glorious, wonderful meat. As such, you can tell it's meat on the plate, which means you ought have discovered this before you consumed it. Furthermore, unless you possess some odd malady where meat consumption causes your gastrointestinal system to instantly corrode, the arguable ill effects of this are consequently de minimis.

QUERY: student suits against universities involving breach of contract

ANSWER: I always find these amusing, as it helps prove the old maxim that students are generally wrong about everything. I mean, come on now. No one forces people to go to university -- and generally speaking, I have to think university is not the best choice for many people. This goes particularly when one realizes one can be a plumber or electrician and make a decent, middle-class lifestyle.

QUERY: enterprise class of 94 commercial

ANSWER: I hate this commercial. You see, I graduated from high school in 1994. So every time I see it, I realize that even showing up in a rented Cadillac sedan would give me no luck in picking up any of my single ex-high school classmates.

QUERY: bad office team names

ANSWER: The Synergizers sounds pretty bad, no?

QUERY: a man of trained sensibility would have seen at once that the room was

ANSWER: ... a COMPLETE disaster! I mean, my God. Look at those drapes.

QUERY: romantic things to do at purdue

ANSWER: Oh, good luck with that.

QUERY: go to jail for stealing newspaper ?

ANSWER: Yes, you can and should go to jail for stealing a newspaper. Why, a newspaper is a fine and worthy product deserving of your 50 cents each day (or lesser amount, subject to subscription discount). Besides, when you steal a newspaper, the actions of your theft multiply into many dollars. It's true.

QUERY: houston texans anonymous blogger

ANSWER: I'd be anonymous too if I blogged about the Houston Texans. Gad. I mean, why not just show up to the stadium with a paper bag over your head? Better yet, why not just invite Peyton Manning to hit you in the head with a crowbar every week?

QUERY: eminent eminent people one and all members of the society for the prevention of fantasy

ANSWER: Yes, as well they should be. After all, imagination is not conducive to production. In these dire economic times, people must especially not give into flights of fancy, imagination, whimsy or joy. Prevent decadence! Prevent time-wasting! You'll be happier tomorrow for it!

QUERY: explain to me and show me how to do a portfolio i have 90 000 thousand and i want to invest it in 5 different mutual funds i want to ivest $30 000 for a wedding $20 000 for retirement $10 000 for vaction $10 000 for a home $10 000 for education $10 000 for emercy

ANSWER: You have $90,000? Really? Dang. I don't know anyone with $90,000. What's that? OK, so I do. Never mind. But I certainly do not have $90,000. I was kinda getting close to that, once. Goddammit.

Anyway, why the hell are you going to spend $30,000 of it on a wedding? 'Cause let's be clear -- money that goes towards a wedding is not invested, but rather takes the express train to money heaven. Same goes with the ten grand you want to spend on vacation.

The fact you're spending a good forty grand on a wedding and a vacation, and that you're considering investing it in the stock market, is prima facie evidence you should pay me 2 pc per annum plus 20 percent of gains to manage the remainder for you.

QUERY: how far is michagan from ohio

ANSWER: Not far enough?

QUERY: is qdro illegal pension gouging

ANSWER: No, no matter how much you're annoyed with your ex-wife.

QUERY: i have $240 what should i do with it

ANSWER: This really ain't my concern.

QUERY: what does if you seek a pleasant peninsula look around you mean

ANSWER: It means that if you live in Michigan, enjoy the natural beauty and wonder of the state for the three months in which it isn't snow-covered, because you have all the time in the world. You know, because there aren't any jobs.

QUERY: how much money is michigan getting for the stimulas

ANSWER: It could be as much as $3 -- maybe $4. Ask your Canadian overlord.

QUERY: 30 years old getting over high school crush

ANSWER: Oh my. Uh ... look, you've really got to move on.

QUERY: big chair corporation has an roe of 16% and a plowback ratio of 50%. if the coming year’s earnings are expected to be $2 per share at what price will the stock sell? the market capitalization rate is 12%.

ANSWER: It depends on whether the analyst covering it for a major Wall Street firm has gotten dirt on Big Chair Corp. from his hedge-fund friends who are shorting it. Have you learned nothing? Besides, if you want me to apply the Gordon model, you've left out the discount rate and the dividend payout.

QUERY: what does a negative alpha of a stock means

ANSWER: You should vote against all the management-sponsored ideas that show up on your proxy form.

QUERY: the american media has been strangly silent vatican hosts darwin conference.

ANSWER: They're all on furlough.

QUERY: why people hate sport?

ANSWER: Good question, since most people who hate sport don't own televisions, and thus have no basis on which to make their claims. Also jealousy, because really -- who should earn more? An extremely successful athlete at the top of his game in what will almost certainly prove a short career, or an assistant professor of sociology?

QUERY: a day when everything went right

ANSWER: Feb. 1, 2009.

QUERY: what was the reason that herostratus burned down the temple of artemis

ANSWER: He thought it would land him a place on a reality-television show.

QUERY: the profit motive of capitalism market is proof of the foolishness of the system. the society cannot flourish when individuals are constantly trying to squeeze profits from the production process

ANSWER: Please look up an old bit about the "tragedy of the commons" and then resubmit your query.

QUERY: search used cars for sale under one thounsand dollars in cleveland ohio

ANSWER: This recession is really starting to hurt. No, really. It's like the Thirties. Well, except with no bread lines and no 25 pc unemployment and no Hoovervilles and no general societal malaise.

QUERY: no one thanked god academy awards

ANSWER: I did -- because I didn't have to watch the wretched, awful thing. Ugh. The Academy Awards!

QUERY: reasons to date a journalist

ANSWER: There are fewer and fewer these days. Oh, sure, we're still good at dinner parties and fun to be with, and generally all that and a bag of chips. Trouble is, there's that whole "steady income and benefits" thing, which has degraded our dating potential significantly. Seriously. How the hell am I supposed to date anyone when I'm doing all I can trying to keep my head above water and not dip into my seriously reduced retirement savings?

QUERY: my wife put mitchum anti-deodorant on her lips. is it dangerous

ANSWER: I think you should ask your marriage counselor that question.

QUERY: ticketmaster what the hell convenience charge

ANSWER: Well, it sounds better than the Bend Over and Grab Your Ankles Because We're the Only Major Ticket Outlet Charge.

QUERY: which auto companies name is adapted from the latin word for i rolled

ANSWER: General Motors.

QUERY: why give tips to hotel housekeepers

ANSWER: Because they have an absolutely lousy job and it pays pretty much nothing. So tip 'em.

QUERY: why do doctors hate lawyers?

ANSWER: Oh, gee, that's a tough one.

QUERY: if there s a speed limit of 75 miles per hour why cars can go faster than that ?

ANSWER: Because this is the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, that's why, and we don't need any lame-o busybodies taking that away from us too.

QUERY: walmart discontinued jimmy dean extra mild sausage

ANSWER: My God. The horror.

QUERY: in the long run we are all dead

ANSWER: Well, there's a cheering thought on which to end this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next time when we examine other important issues, such as how to get a decent hamburger in New England -- any ideas? -- and why the Pittsburgh Steelers will win Super Bowl XLIV. No, really. They will. You heard it here first.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at May 16, 2009 09:37 PM | TrackBack
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