October 22, 2007

Oh, Woe and Misery

BOY, I'M STILL in a sour mood from yesterday's unfortunate happenstance in the Sunday night NFL game between the glorious Pittsburgh Steelers and the evil Denver Broncos. Somehow -- wait for it -- Pittsburgh lost and now the Broncos are 3-3. Even more upsetting, Pittsburgh is now 4-2. Normally, this would be cause for celebration and much rejoicing, except for the fact we're in a conference with the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts, both teams that are -- *grumble* -- temporarily better than we are. There's nothing more annoying than being the No. 3 team in a conference and KNOWING that you're No. 3. Oh, and making it clear to everyone on national-bloody-television that you're No. 3.

Like all Steelers fans, however, I can only hope Pittsburgh will get on one of its patented Late-Season Tears and run roughshod over their opponents in the latter weeks of the season. Because if we don't start getting better, we're going to get knocked out in the second round of the playoffs -- by either Indianapolis or New England. I think all can agree this would result in Maximum Suckage for Pittsburgh fans.

READER: Well, yeah, that wasn't a great -- uh, are you listening to Toccata and Fugue in D Minor right now?

Why, yes. Yes, I am. Truly, Bach's masterwork is the only music that properly conveys my feelings right now: the frustration, the dyspepsia, the nausea, the agony. Truly, this weekend started out tasting sweet as honey in my mouth, but has become bitter in my stomach. Blech! Blech! Blech!

READER: Does a football game really rise to the level where one ought quote from The Revelation to John?

YES. For behold, men marveled at the Patriots, saying, "Who is like the Patriots, and who can fight against them?" And the Patriots were given a fan base, some of whom uttered haughty and blasphemous words, and they were allowed to exercise authority for forty-two months; they opened their mouths to utter blasphemies against other teams, blaspheming their names and their dwellings, that is, those who dwell outside of New England. Also they were allowed to run amok in their cruelty and deface the screen-savers and desktop backgrounds belonging to fans of other teams who dwelt in their midst. But the Patriots were cruel and caused all, both small and great, both rich and upper-middle-class, both season-ticket and individual game-ticket holders, to have their tickets marked, so that no one can buy or sell unless he uses the Patriots' authorized ticket exchange, which does not allow ticket-holders to profit on their good fortune. Yet the people loved them anyway, even though the Patriots' ticket exchange somehow profits Ticketmaster, the seventh head of the ten-headed dragon.

Not that I am bitter.

READER: I take it you're expecting a photo of Jason Elam to appear on your desktop tomorrow morning.

Damn right. However, I am confident I shall soon take my revenge, for surely the Steelers will defeat -- somehow -- the Patriots when they play in Foxboro on Dec. 9. (We may re-sign Kimo Van Oelhoffen). Oh, how I cannot wait for that glorious day.

You see, I know some people elsewhere are upset with New England sports fans. This anger is perhaps best noted in Kissing Suzy Kolber's Guide to Being an Insufferable (Expletive) (Expletive) (Expletive) Fan of Boston-Area Sports Teams. I should caution readers the Guide in question is amazingly vulgar and profane, to the point where it even impressed me. Thus, people who are easily-offended, thin-skinned or die-hard New England sports fans should probably give it a pass.

However, I do not share this anger. This is because I take the long-term view of the football situation. Also, I'm arrogant. After all, New England might have three Super Bowl titles and may well win a fourth this year, but I root for a team with five. So there. Also, my team has been in Pittsburgh for 75 years, unlike a certain other franchise which left its home town in the dead of night for a third-rate metropolis surrounded by a vast expanse of nothing. So there. Again. I've got your rocket arm right here, pal.

Besides, if Pittsburgh DOES knock off New England -- either in the playoffs or the regular season -- I get to gloat for, like, an entire week at work. Hell yeah. So I say to Patriots fans: bring it on. For Pittsburgh's overall superiority cannot be questioned. Your run will end eventually and Pittsburgh will again be triumphant, and all will be right with the world. Yeah.

Also, in the unlikely but possible event that Pittsburgh makes it again to the Super Bowl and wins this year, please do not respond with friendly congratulations and pleasant support like you did the last time. That took part of the fun out of it. Please be miserable and angry and frustrated that Pittsburgh somehow managed to grab victory from the jaws of defeat and now has "one for the other thumb." Thanks in advance!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 22, 2007 11:39 PM | TrackBack
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