September 08, 2007

It's the End of the World As I Know It, and I'm Not Fine

They tried to make me go retire, but I said no, no, no.

-- Lloyd Carr
(with apologies to Amy Winehouse)

GIVEN MICHIGAN's 39-7 loss today to the University of Oregon Ducks (!), I thought long and hard about what to title this post. "Just Shoot Me" seemed like a good fit, except for the tiny possibility some well-intentioned reader might carry it out. "What a Kick in the Teeth" and "It's Like I Got Hit in the Head with a Crowbar" also seemed to fit, although at the rate things are going I'll need to save those for future weeks. So I'm sticking with the one I've got.

For let's face it. This is the end of the college football world as I know it; as we all know it. The University of Michigan Wolverines, America's most storied and glorious college football team, are playing like a bunch of rank amateurs. Not only did Michigan lose to a pesky I-AA team, we lost to Oregon. Oregon, a mediocre team at best in a mediocre conference. Now everyone is talking about the Pac-10 -- the Pac-10! -- as some kind of emerging football powerhouse. I mean, holy Mary.

This loss today wasn't just a loss; it represents a real problem at Michigan. We've now lost four games straight, something that hasn't happened since 1967. We've lost two back-to-back home games to start the season, something that hasn't happened since 1959. Oregon racked up 624 yards against Michigan's formerly vaunted defense. 624 yards! And it gets worse -- here's a run-down of just how bad it was. Or you could just read Mitch Albom's column, and his stinging quip: "I hate to put it this way, but there were Lions games that were less embarrassing than this."

Oh, the pain. Oh, the agony.

The long and short of this is that some serious ass-kicking needs to go on at Michigan, and NOW. Someone needs to point out to Lloyd Carr, our idiot coach, that everyone has figured out he's going to run the ball up the middle on first down. Someone needs to point out to the folks farther down the line that our secondary sucks and our defense has more holes than Swiss cheese. Someone needs to get on the horn to Bill Martin, our soft and weak athletic director, and tell him to start putting pressure on our coaching staff to get the bloody job done. And if they don't get the job done, they need to start getting cashiered.

And a lot of people need to get on the phone to our ineffectual president, Mary Sue Coleman, and tell her that unless things change, the money's going to start disappearing. We all know that only money talks with these folks, and they won't do anything unless their precious cash starts drying up. Thus, I would call upon all alumni who actually give money to the University of Michigan to start calling, e-mailing, sending smoke signals -- anything -- and make your displeasure known.

I would, but I don't give any money to the University because I'm cheap. So as a result my broadsides against my alma mater are necessarily limited in their effectiveness. Still, all Michigan alumni everywhere must start beating the drum and demanding that things change, before the entire season is irrevocably lost and lasting damage to Michigan's football program sets in.

Also the students should take over the Administration building. Go ahead, it's fun!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 8, 2007 09:06 PM | TrackBack
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