May 04, 2007

In Which My Quest Against the Forces of Stupidity Continues

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of …

A regular Rant feature

LIKE MANY AMERICANS, I often find the start of spring brings with it a ponderous, seemingly terminal case of ennui. After all, this time of year is somewhat of a spiritual and cultural dead zone. Lent and Easter has passed, football season is still far away, and anticipated vacations and other fun are simply circled dates on the calendar. They are only weeks ahead but their arrival still feels like an uncertain hypothetical, similar to the idea of one’s retirement day.

Still, though, there are some things which remain a constant in life. These can be good things, such as the love of family and friends, or bad things, such as the utter evilness of the Baltimore Ravens. Then, there are the ugly things -- such as the outpouring of imbecilic search-engine queries constantly received here at The Rant. Oh, dear readers, if only you knew.

But in times like this, one must look to the constants in one’s life for support. May God help the poor wretches who stumble here looking for answers. Oh, and I’m sorry for being away all this week – I had a busy week at the office and so wasn’t really up to blogging. Without further ado, though, let’s get right to it!

QUERY: how many carbs in bacon grease

ANSWER: You see what I mean? Jesus Christ – it’s bacon grease! There aren’t any carbs in bacon grease! That’s because it’s bacon grease, which is entirely fat and doesn’t have a bit of carbohydrates in it. Honestly – who would wonder about this?

QUERY: good reason to wear pajamas to bed.

ANSWER: Well, you won’t have to worry about bacon grease dripping from a BLT, that’s for sure. Gad.

QUERY: gin drinking before breakfast

ANSWER: Ooooooh. That’s gotta hurt. You really should wait until noon for a good shot of the stuff.

QUERY: can there be a chicken white castle crave case

ANSWER: But why? No one craves the chicken sandwiches from White Castle. That’s like … I don’t know, craving the fish sandwiches from White Castle. They’re not on the menu for craving. They’re on the menu for people who, for whatever reason, aren’t craving the regular White Castle burgers for which everyone else has the jones.

QUERY: white castle fish sandwich

ANSWER: As my good friend Simon From Jersey has put it, “If you can’t see the ocean, don’t get the fish.” In this case, even if you can see the ocean, you might want to heed that advice.

QUERY: home remedies for meth mouth

ANSWER: Talk to the guy who wrote in about gin drinking before breakfast.

QUERY: blimpy burger ann arbor mich

ANSWER: Finally, a decent query. OK, Krazy Jim’s Blimpy Burger, based in Ann Arbor, is the best place for hamburgers in all of Michigan, if not the Midwest. The Rant’s traditional order, for the record, is a quad with blue cheese and grilled onions on an onion roll, with a side order of fried mushrooms. Plus, it’s “cheaper than food.” If you go, remember: order from the fryer first, and the staff are supposed to be rude.

QUERY: how many presidents appear on the $2 bill?

ANSWER: I’ll let you know after I go back to Blimpy’s, which should be in about two weeks or so.

QUERY: are $2 bills widely circulated

ANSWER: The last time I saw one was at Blimpy’s.

QUERY: whose inscriptions are on the following bills $1 $2 $5 @10 $20 $50 $100 $500 $1000 $5000 $10000 $100000?

ANSWER: It is worth noting that the $100,000 denomination was not an actual banknote, but rather a gold certificate used solely for interbank transfers. However, the personage on the certificate was none other than Franklin D. Roosevelt, who had a lot to do with it. The $10,000 note had former Treasury secretary Walter Forward on it, while the $5,000 note had the picture of former Vice President Schuyler Colfax. The $1,000 note bears the picture of Calvin Coolidge, and the $500 note features the noted statesman and military leader, Franco Harris.

QUERY: who is that irritating woman in the bob s discount furniture ads

ANSWER: I didn’t think anyone could be more irritating than Bob in the Bob’s Discount Furniture ads. Well, aside from Gilbert Gottfried, but Bob is close. The irritating woman, though, is a close second to Bob. Gawd.

QUERY: sick of neighbor asking to borrow my lawnmower

ANSWER: So tell him it’s broken, already.

QUERY: why was grant selected to be on the $50 dollar bill

ANSWER: That’s a very good question indeed!

QUERY: hedgefunds are morally disgusting

ANSWER: You’ll feel better once you consider that no one is forcing people to give their money to the hedge fund operators. This, then, proves Mencken’s dictum that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

QUERY: coinstar takes pesos?

ANSWER: God! Now there’s a scary thought – the idea of Coinstar machines taking pesos. I mean, do you know how hard it is to get change in Mexico? After a few weeks, Coinstar Inc. would have a death grip on the Mexican economy as people everywhere went scrounging for change, any change, for everyday transactions.

QUERY: if a driver averages 55 mph and drives eight hours per day five days a week what could a driver earn in a year?

ANSWER: Based on 40 cents a mile … oh, $44,000 a year or so.

QUERY: funny eros banknotes

ANSWER: Banknotes aren’t supposed to prompt eros. I mean, in any sense that phrase can be taken.

QUERY: quit job go hiking

ANSWER: Ah, the old quit job go hiking idea. Actually, I always thought it would be a cool thing to do something like that

QUERY: investing is stupid

ANSWER: This sounds like someone who has not fully weighed the possibility of spending his golden years inside one of those grim high-rise housing projects for the elderly.

QUERY: do we tip car wash attendants?

ANSWER: Tip the car wash attendant only if the car wash attendant performs actual work, such as wiping down the inside and making sure the car shines when it comes out of the wash.

QUERY: why wearing fur is greedy

ANSWER: Why indeed, one wonders. Extravagant, yes. Greed-driven, no.

QUERY: what huge city is called city of brotherly shove on account of its supposed rudeness?

ANSWER: Shreveport.

QUERY: police academy-8 not released

ANSWER: That’s the best news I’ve heard since I found out Terrell Owens signed up with the Dallas Cowboys.

QUERY: a little piece of heaven detroit stripper dancer

ANSWER: Are you sure those phrases go together?

QUERY: opus dei financial interests budweiser

ANSWER: I find it impossible to believe that Opus Dei would have any financial interest in the Anheuser-Busch Cos. Inc. This is because Opus Dei promotes sanctity through honest work and labor. Light beer that tastes like bilge water does not promote sanctity.

QUERY: seat belt beep where does it come from

ANSWER: It’s coming from INSIDE THE CAR! For the love of God, GET OUT OF THE CAR!

QUERY: what does a circle with an exclamation point mean on the dashboard of a ford taurus

ANSWER: According to my owner’s manual, it means the transmission is due to fall out of the car within the next five miles. That, or you have the parking brake on.

QUERY: mr coffee beeping annoying disabling

ANSWER: I have no idea how you would disable the coffee machine beep. You should contact the Jarden Corp., makers of Mr Coffee and related niche consumer products used in and around the home.

QUERY: automatic driver s dome light stays on 99 mercury sable

ANSWER: Use WD-40 to spray the locks and related mechanisms around your car’s doors. Usually, a dome light issue like this stems from crap getting into the locks and gumming things up.

QUERY: return to the 55 mph speed limit

ANSWER: I’d rather eat glass.

QUERY: worst western movie

ANSWER: I’m sure it involves “F Troop” in some way or another.

QUERY: fortune & fake impersonate priest new york

ANSWER: There’s a Rat Pack joke in here somewhere.

QUERY: bengals stink

ANSWER: That’s what happens when your team goes to jail.

QUERY: what causes feverish and hot when the thermometer doesnt show high temperature?

ANSWER: Examinus schoolis.

QUERY: how could the teachings of the dalai lama help if the students are teasing another student because of the way she/he talk looks or dresses?

ANSWER: Never mind the Dalai Lama – tell the little brats not to pick on the kid and show some bloody respect. If this fails, send them to the principal. They’ll learn quick enough.

QUERY: cool crisp air in arrogant ann arbor michigan

ANSWER: Ann Arbor is not arrogant. Ann Arbor is just better, more hip and generally just more with it than you are, particularly if you’re from East Lansing.

QUERY: robert-hargreaves superpower synopsis

ANSWER: It’s about America in the Seventies. As such, it’s very depressing and bleak. Also, Hargreaves spends a lot of time writing about John Lindsay, whom no one remembers any more. Mr Lindsay had the bad fortune to be mayor of New York from 1966 to 1973. Mr Lindsay’s term in office is a key downward indicator in Kepple’s Grand Theory of American History, which posits that the nadir of modern American political and cultural power was reached on July 12, 1979.

QUERY: long lasting cold/sinus problems

ANSWER: I hear you, my brother. It is not fun to suffer long-lasting cold/sinus problems, unless you get some really swell medication. Then, it’s pretty copacetic.

QUERY: what would gaia and captain planet suggest doing about allergies to pollen

ANSWER: I don’t know, Babs. Maybe Gaia and Captain Planet would suggest being one with the pollen, and reveling in its glory and majesty as it spreads life over the Earth. The Rant’s prescription for dealing with pollen allergies, however, is to root out and destroy the wretched, foul plant life that thinks it can just spread pollen everywhere. Only when nearby plant life is crushed will we God-fearing allergy sufferers be able to breathe freely. If that’s not your thing, I suggest moving to Death Valley or the Atacama Desert.

QUERY: mocking britain

ANSWER: As Her Majesty Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom, Head of the Commonwealth, Lord High Admiral, Defender of the Faith, etc. etc. is visiting the United States at present, The Rant will refrain from mocking Britain and her subjects.

It should be noted that The Rant, being an American blog, does not pay fealty nor homage to any foreign sovereign, although The Rant will always have a soft spot for the House of Wurttemburg, which rules, although not anymore in a literal sense. It’s the only royal house to which I’ve been able to draw any connection with the Kepple family, by which I mean that they actually ran things in a place where I know my ancestors lived. Later generations of Kepples settled in the tiny village of Dehlingen, in Alsace, which was part of a tiny manor that itself was one of approximately eight million possessions of what I believe was the House of Wittelsbach. So there’s not really that local connection, if you see what I’m getting at. But anyway.

QUERY: casa carino san miguel de allende

ANSWER: Ah, Casa Carino! I’ve seen pictures. It’s very nice. If you have an extra $34,000 lying about and a month or so of time, let me know. I’d like to join you for a visit.

QUERY: what kind of men are attracted to narcissists

ANSWER: Well, I’m guessing those who are narcissists themselves.

QUERY: josh and vegan and bond trader and los angeles

ANSWER: Don’t call him back. I mean, let’s examine the three key phrases here: bond trader, vegan, Los Angeles. This means he’ll always be at work or stuck in traffic, and then when he gets home will be picky about dinner plans. That’s not a recipe for romantic success, if you ask me.

QUERY: why women are attracted to assholes

ANSWER: Actually, now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve come to realize this line of argument is pretty pathetic. The real question here is why women are not attracted to the questioner. Perhaps the questioner ought work on whatever these issues may be, starting with the issue of self-confidence. I mean, hell, I know I’d be a heck of a lot more attractive if I started working out and lost weight. I’m going to work on that again soon, but I’ve had other issues I’ve been dealing with in the meantime.

QUERY: ripped out my heart by a beautiful romanian woman

ANSWER: My sympathies. Outsourcing romantic companionship, the situation which seems to be described here, is often fraught with peril. Why not try a bit closer to home?

QUERY: north carolina s winter tempters

ANSWER: What winter?

QUERY: cure for celebrity worship syndrome?

ANSWER: It beats the hell out of me. It’s one thing to follow celebrity antics but another to voluntarily forfeit the intellectual capacity that God has granted one. I think a lot of the whole syndrome has to do with people living vicariously through the supposedly more exciting lives of celebrities. So perhaps taking up a hobby might help.

Well, that’s it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next time for more of the same!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at May 4, 2007 10:25 PM | TrackBack
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