October 20, 2006

Report: NFL Threat Hoax Man "Disgruntled Brewers Supporter"

Daily Rant Staff Reporter

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. -- Federal authorities have said the 20-year-old man responsible for a hoax threat against football stadia nationwide is "a disgruntled Milwaukee Brewers fan," despondent over his team's performance and "sick of hearing about football."

Investigators said the man, who has not been identified, was "pushed over the edge" when the baseball team failed to make the playoffs yet again. That, combined with saturation coverage in the media about Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, reportedly sent the man into a tailspin of despair and misery. Authorities interrogated the man on Thursday about the purported threat, which warned that radiological bombs would be set off this weekend at football stadia in seven U.S. cities.

"We found the man holed up in his mother's attic," an FBI official said on condition of anonymity. "I haven't seen anything that disturbing since ... well, it wasn't so much disturbing as it was pathetic. I mean, my God. The walls were splattered with blue and gold paint, and the man had written the words, "1982" and "4-3, 4-3" all over this dingy, musty attic. It could have been eerie, except it was just sad."

"It was like that scene in that movie, 'Dark City,' except not even remotely creepy," the official said.

Authorities' conclusion the man's threat was a hoax came soon after they reported "strong suspicions" about the warning, which had puzzled analysts due to its nonsensical threats.

"I don't mean to be rude, but this guy is clearly as dumb as a bag of hammers," said Arden Epperler, a Tulane University psychology professor. "Look at this list. Oakland? Miami? Houston? Come on. Nobody in their right mind, not even a terrorist bent on destroying the American way of life, would be anywhere near these cities' football fields on Sunday."

"Arizona at Oakland ... oooooooooooooh," Epperler added.

"What the hell was this guy thinking?" asked Marc Marcson, a development analyst with New York-based Scope Creep Leverage Drum PC. "Why the devil would anyone set off a radiological bomb in East Rutherford? Wouldn't you, you know, go for someplace that wasn't already screwed up?"

"By the way, I've got tickets to the Lions-Jets game on Sunday," Marcson added. "You can have them if you'd like -- I had a sudden appointment with my podiatrist crop up."

Officials with the National Football League said the nation's football stadia were well protected and had comprehensive security measures in place. However, NFL officials also weren't concerned about the matter, saying that even if the incidents were to take place as described, they would have "little to no impact" on league-wide football operations.

To some football fans, though, news the threats were a hoax was a disappointment.

"Well, for just a few seconds there, I had hope that a giant blast of radiation would have had some kind of Incredible Hulk-like effects for our offensive line," said Cleveland Browns fan and "Dawg Pound" regular Jay Matinski. "So much for that great idea. Well, if we're lucky this weekend, we can keep the Broncos within three touchdowns."

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 20, 2006 08:33 AM | TrackBack
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