December 27, 2004

Yushchenko!

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. We are downright thrilled with the news that Ukrainian opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko soundly defeated Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich in yesterday's Ukrainian elections. We look forward to Ukraine's continuing progress towards personal freedom and economic well-being for its people, and wish the Ukrainian people all the best in the coming years.

Of course, Mr Yanukovich is not all that happy at losing to President Yushchenko. This is perhaps understandable. After all, had Mr Yanukovich's sympathizers done their job correctly, President Yushchenko would now find himself six feet underground. Had his henchmen done their jobs correctly, no one would have noticed that President Yushchenko "lost" the first election. Therefore, Mr Yanukovich finds himself forced to resort to ... the law courts.

Hoo boy. Well, we can only imagine the arguments Mr Yanukovich's lawyers will dream up in an attempt to wrest the election from President Yushchenko. But we have some ideas ...

---------------

VIKTOR YANUKOVICH'S TOP TEN ARGUMENTS
BEFORE THE UKRAINIAN SUPREME COURT

10. Yushchenko's side monopolized Ukraine's strategic reserve of hot women, creating a fundamental disadvantage for Yanukovich.

9. Yushchenko's last-minute endorsements from Aquaman and Hawkman violated Ukrainian electoral reform law.

8. Elderly pensioners in eastern Ukraine voted en masse for Pat Buchanan.

7. "Ukrainians Coming Together" revealed as group behind ads linking Yanukovich, dioxin manufacturers.

6. UCT's "Tell Viktor Yanukovich to Stop Poisoning His Opponents" TV spots were slanderous.

5. International poll observers' demands for "rule of law" and "no beating up of the election workers" intimidated Yanukovich voters.

4. The Guardian's letter-writing campaign to swing district of Kompaniivka, in the pivotal Kirovohrad region, didn't work out as planned.

3. Hundreds of pro-Yushchenko ballots "conveniently discovered" in Alice, Texas.

2. Electoral contracts for delivering ballots were awarded to US Airways.

AND FINALLY ...

1. Tsar Vladimir I is NOT amused.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at December 27, 2004 09:40 PM | TrackBack