November 13, 2004

South Beached

DEAR GOD, please -- we're begging You -- deliver unto us a box of cupcakes, or a dozen donuts, or just a really big chocolate bar. For we are on the second day of strict adherence to the South Beach Diet, and we are going mad.

We do hope readers will forgive us if our entries over the next few days seem a bit confused, but our body is screaming for carbohydrates something fierce. We mean, it is really, really angry with us. As such, it has created a rather awful drumming in our head as it orders us to provide it with carbohydrates. Yet we have resisted for two full days now.

Readers will recall, of course, that we were first ordered to start the diet some two weeks ago. At that point, we resigned ourselves to doing it; but we subsequently held off because we knew we were in for a few tough weeks at work. Now that that's over with, though, we have jumped in full-bore.

We can assure readers the South Beach Diet experience is as bad as we thought it would be. However, we are proud to note we've managed to adapt to this invalid's diet pretty well, even though we are a bachelor and as such pretty useless in the kitchen.

For instance, last night's dinner and today's lunch was that sea scallop recipe we talked about (see below); you know, the one that takes seven minutes from start to finish. Half-a-pound of sea scallops provided us with roughly 350 calories and a total of perhaps 5g of fat, one-eighth our daily allowance under our Medically-Approved Nutritional Scheme. We also enjoyed, on both days, an excellent field-greens salad with crab-flavored haddock or some such; and for dressing, we used fish sauce, the Sugarless Condiment of the Gods. For snacks, we have relied heavily on a jar of kim chi (another Sugarless Condiment of the Gods) we had in our fridge.

The lesson we have learned from this is that it's easy to eat healthy, as long as one doesn't think too much about where one's healthy food came from, or how it was processed before arriving in one's home. That said, we must say we take great issue with some descriptions of the South Beach Diet which we have seen on-line. Here is one of them:

From great meals to losing inches around the waist, read about how people just like you are enjoying the South Beach Diet, eating better, exceeding their desired weight loss goals, and regaining their lives!

We don't mean to be flippant about this, but dammit, we're nil-for-four at this point. Our life was perfectly fine before we started this -- we were a happy and well-adjusted person blessed with an abundance of good things, like pasta with meat sauce. Along those lines, we can assure readers that we are damn well not "eating better." A more accurate statement would be to say we are "eating for the sole purpose of sustaining life and getting absolutely no joy out of it whatsoever." As for weight loss, we haven't noticed any yet; and as for "regaining our life," the diet people can take that and shove it up their --

But we digress. Happy thoughts. We need to think happy thoughts. We're becoming ... healthier ... with each passing second! If we think that enough ... will somebody get us a frickin' muffin or something? Please! We're begging ya ...

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at November 13, 2004 11:22 PM | TrackBack

Dude, one word: bacon.

Posted by: simon from jersey at November 14, 2004 12:18 AM

Hang in there, Ben. I went on the Atkin's diet about a year and a half ago and dropped 60 pounds. It was worth it.

But I know what you mean about all of those high calorie/high-sugar delights calling out to you in your delerium of deprivation. Well, actually, no I don't. (I was just trying to let you know I symapthize with you, but I didn't suffer from the cravings that are afflicting you.)

I'm pulling for you and hope you'll find a balance that works for you.

Posted by: DCE at November 14, 2004 08:40 AM

Way to go Ben. True the first fews days are tough but you have tackled tough challenges in the past. And, as I have said before, if you stick with the plan you will feel so much better as your body sheds its excessive dependence on carbohydrates. Along with the weight loss will come more energy and soon you will be asking, "why did I wait so long".

Posted by: Swammi in Solon at November 14, 2004 10:59 AM

Ben gave up his South Beach diet.
I done seen it with my own two eyes!

Posted by: Matthew S. Schwartz at November 22, 2004 08:41 PM