November 11, 2004

Report: We're All Doomed

GEE. SCIENTISTS report Mars is growing warmer through some kind of global-warming process. This has, naturally, led at least one blogger to ask a rather disturbing question:

On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if two planets so close to each other are both experiencing a rise in surface temperature, isn't it just possible that it might have to do with that nearby star they both orbit? I'm just asking is all. I mean, what if...

What if, indeed? Well, we've figured out some potential answers to this pressing question. As we see it, given these phenomena, there are four perfectly reasonable outcomes that could occur:

One. The Twilight Zone Outcome.

Both Earth and Mars have somehow been knocked out of their orbits and will soon enter some hideous death spirals leading straight into the sun. Therefore, we're all -- yes, that's right. Doomed.

Two. The Martian Chronicles Outcome.

Wow! Mars is heating up! Say! Now we can go colonize it and destroy its ruined cities and set up a parochial yet oddly dysfunctional society! Plus we can strip-mine the place and seize its mineral wealth for our own. Yes, that will work perfectly. Must -- create -- ruined -- future!

Three. The Day After Tomorrow Outcome.

JACK HALL: Dear God! Mars has ... reached a critical desalinization point!
AGENCY HEAD: We've been through this once already. Jesus. You're not expensing another trip, and that's final.
JACK HALL: What if I put on a chicken suit?
AGENCY HEAD: Dammit! No!
JACK HALL: But we've got to do something! Mars is in danger! If it heats up ... um ... then that could mean ... ah ... my son is there! Sweet MERCY! Sam! I'll come to get you, Sam!
AGENCY HEAD: Do I have to call security again?
JACK HALL: But you've got to believe me!
AGENCY HEAD: Mmmm. Yes. You mean like I'm supposed to believe this expense report for "important research" in Maui? Dammit, Hall, you study frickin' Antarctica!
JACK HALL: That was for extremely urgent anthropological and cultural studies necessary to my ...
AGENCY HEAD: You're going to study my fist if you keep this up!
JACK HALL: But this is import ...
AGENCY HEAD: If you don't get the hell out of my office, I'll send you to the Hurricane Observation Team! Not only that, I'll put you on a rat-trap so frickin' unseaworthy that --
JACK HALL: Fine! Then I'll go tell the United Nations!
AGENCY HEAD: Oooooooooooh!

Four. The "Ah, it's Mars" Outcome.

MAN: You see Mars is heating up? Now it's less of a barren, frozen wasteland than it was before!
UNLUCKY DATE: Ah, it's Mars.
MAN: Well, yeah. But ... ah ... you know ... that's bad and such.
UNLUCKY DATE: Don't we have more important things to worry about, like creating an equitable and efficient property-rights mechanism in the developing world?
MAN: Um.
UNLUCKY DATE: You know, to help make it easier for people to join the formal economy, thus unlocking capital and increasing their standard of living?
MAN: Say! How 'bout those Eagles?
UNLUCKY DATE: How 'bout Rothelisberger?
MAN: We could just skip dessert.
UNLUCKY DATE: Why? You're paying, and I've got to get something out of this. I'll have the chocolate mousse with Grand Marnier. Extra Grand Marnier.

Out of these four outcomes, we can see the second outcome is the most likely to occur, and thus the one for which we should all prepare. For the first is physically impossible, and the third is based upon a movie. As for the fourth ... Gad, you didn't think the fourth was the most likely, did you? Oh, no.

Clearly, the fourth outcome is the least likely of those presented. After all, on a truly horrible date, a woman would have used her innate self-defense mechanisms to escape from the situation. By this, we mean that as the guy was waiting for the minestrone to arrive, his date would have politely moved to Vermont.

Furthermore, the idea that a Steelers fan would date an Eagles fan is so ludicrous as to not be believed. Really, now. Even for this entry, that's silly.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at November 11, 2004 10:11 PM | TrackBack

Ben, you forgot something.

The warming on Mars is obviously caused by all of the human generated junk we've left on Mars. You know, things like Spirit, Opportunity, Sojourner, Viking 1, Viking 2, and so on. They're kind of like the interplanetary version of SUVs, only more high tech. So the global warming on Mars is All-The-Fault-Of-The-Evil-Humans.......

Can't you see that????

Posted by: DCE at November 12, 2004 07:11 AM

Hadn't thought of that idea ... BRILLIANT!

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at November 12, 2004 02:55 PM

Have they blamed the Jews and/or Bush yet?

Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge at November 16, 2004 12:16 PM