Comments: As We Say Up Here, Live Free and Drive

Yes, as I recall, you never have been one to dress in a style that would allow you to blend in with the more rural elements.

Posted by Geoff Brown at April 30, 2004 03:22 PM

I was wearing a Michigan T-shirt and slacks. It wasn't as if I was wearing a three-piece suit!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at April 30, 2004 03:34 PM

Great story.

Posted by davie d at April 30, 2004 06:45 PM

Laughed out loud throughout this entire essay.

Especially your belated apology to the entire region of Southeast Michigan.

Very glad my own nervous breakdown and car-breakdown could provide some humor!

Posted by red at May 1, 2004 02:08 PM

Kepple speaks the truth. An "I'm feeling lucky" google search for Kepple crash yields the following article:

The Michigan Review

Serpent's Tooth
22 April 1998

Unharmed, Kepple Walks From Major Accident

In a surprise develop­ment on Tuesday, April 7th, Review Editor Benjamin Kepple walked away unharmed from a major car accident involving his 1997 Ford Taurus GL and two very large semi-trucks. Many students and administrators at the University were jubilant upon hearing news of the crash, but their joy turned to amazement as it came out that Kepple suffered only a small cut on his knee. The crash, which essentially destroyed Kepple's car and did virtually no damage to both trucks, summoned over a dozen emergency vehicles and closed eastbound I-94 for close to an hour.

Kepple, who had been driving at approximately 60 miles per hour in the left lane of I-94 in Dearborn, was forced to swerve around a huge piece of truck tire re-tread, which caused him to lose control of his car. His car swerved into the center lane, back into the left, then back into the center lane, at which point the right rear part of Kepple's car struck a semi-truck. This tap caused Kepple's car to swerve into the right lane, facing traffic, at which point Kepple's car was struck head-on by a car carrier traveling between 55 and 60 miles per hour. No citation was issued by the Michigan State Police.

According to one in-state University student, this was the "coolest" accident to happen in the Metro Detroit area since 1995, when an oil tanker exploded in a collision on the I-75/I-94 junction, taking six other vehicles with it.

However, LSA fifth-year senior Oliver Merriam sharply disagreed.

"I mean, you'd think he'd have some kind of life­altering injury. I mean, he's Editor of the Review. He isn't very agreeable. He deserves to have his fibula and tibia at least bent."

Other students also concurred.

"Kepple is the ugly, fat, neo­conservative bastard child of all that is evil," said LSA Senior Saul Guerilla. "Unlike political scientists like myself, Kepple is presumptuous and arrogant for insinuating that normal people can have an opinion of their very own. After all, I spent three entire years on my political science B.A."

Assistant Associate Deputy for University Relations Mitchell van Rijn noted, "The University does admit to denying alleging that Mr. Kepple was a ... well, I can't say that on the air ... are we on the air? ... Right. Anyhow, the University also wishes to deny the completely false and untrue rumors that the Assistant Undersecretariat for Multicultural Affairs and P.C. Commissar, Dr. Leon P. Muntz, lit a cigar and laughed manaically in his office upon hearing the news. "

Some students used the opportunity opened by Kepple's accident to criticize the Review, which is seen by some as reactionary and insensitive.

"The Review is not conducive to a nice atmosphere here at Michigan," said MSA Representative and Environmental Issues Commission Chair Emily Strauss. "In 1997, over 9.3 billion animals were killed for food."

In a response, Managing Editors Lee Bockhorn and Chris Carnacchio announced they would eat steak every night for a week and continue the Review's practice of using rare condor blood for blue ink and banner coloring. Carnacchio reportedly suffered a head injury after Strauss beat him furiously over the head with a pine-tree sapling, shouting, "Use mass transit! Use mass transit!" incessantly.

Kepple gleefully declared, "I am invincible!" after climbing free from the wreckage of his vehicle. He was last seen in Belize organizing a coup d'etat in order to have the Central American nation remade into a British protectorate. MR

Posted by Matthew S. Schwartz at May 2, 2004 01:34 AM

Gee, I really can't escape the events of my past, now can I?

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at May 2, 2004 10:31 AM