November 22, 2008

Even in Defeat, Michigan Outclasses Ohio State

SO I IMPRESSED EVEN MYSELF on Saturday with my calm demeanor when the rabble from Ohio State ran roughshod over the Michigan Wolverines in our annual football matchup. I can assure readers that not only did I not openly curse, I managed to maintain a Romeo Crennel-like zen during the game, even as Ohio State started running up the score in the closing moments. Only once did I lose my bearings. As the score hit 35-7, I felt compelled to respond after some of the Ohio backers made fun of my alma mater:

ME: Go flip over a car!
OHIO FAN: What's your license plate?

The folks from the Big Zero did have Michigan beat when it came to the singing of fight songs. After a while, it got like that scene in "On the Beach," when the Australians keep singing "Waltzing Matilda" as Gregory Peck's character is trying to sleep with the girl played by Ava Gardner. But I am proud to report that Michigan once again triumphed in terms of organization and class.

I mean, let's see. Which alumni club arranged for its fans to have nachos and other finger foods? That would be Michigan's. Which alumni club had a special football cake made for the game? That would be Michigan's. What alumni club brought swag for its partisans? Hmmm. Oh, yes, that would be Michigan's. (I got a tote bag and a Michigan-themed stack of post-it notes).

After a while, we Michiganders took pity on our younger brothers and invited them to partake in the bounty of buffalo wings and other goodies on offer. This show of good will was repaid in the third quarter, when the Ohio partisans engaged in a rousing rendition of "We Don't Give a Damn for the Whole State of Michigan."

The Ohio State University shows off its organizational skills during its bowl game appearance last year.

Admittedly, we did have extra buffalo wings because only about two dozen Michigan alumni showed up for the Big Game, and there were roughly five times as many attendees from Overturned Subaru. And only a few Michigan partisans -- myself included! -- stuck around for the entire thing, but hey. The important thing was that Michigan's alumni club (of which I am not a member) had the cash and the forethought to make this happen.

As for the class issue, I thought Michigan was far more classy than our rivals from Ohio State, as one might expect. OK, so I broke out the dance moves when Michigan intercepted the ball on Ohio State's opening drive, but that was more of a celebratory dance than an actual taunt. It's not like I unleashed the moonwalk. Although I was planning to unleash the moonwalk if Michigan took the lead, that didn't come about, so I didn't.

But I congratulate the Ohio Staters on their success. It was an impressive victory for them, and one I know that mattered a lot, what with their inferiority complex and all.

Also, to the one lady from Ohio who admonished her friend for feeling bad for the Michigan Wolverines ("Don't feel bad for them!"), let me just say that I understand. Really. I do. When Michigan next defeats Ohio State -- God willing, next year! -- I won't feel bad at all. Not only won't I feel bad, I hope we do it when you're 11-0 and have a national championship on the line.

We will have our revenge. And you will fall. That's all there is to it.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at November 22, 2008 11:18 PM | TrackBack

I was perusing the blogs for info on the game. I doubt you will get your revenge any time soon. Rodriquez has a few trust issues with prospects. ... Michigan got what it deserved - a coach that didn't honor is alma mater or his contract and was the third choice of Michigan.

I never understood the elitist mentality of Michigan fans. Really, they are just hillbillies in drag.


Posted by: hahaha at November 23, 2008 06:07 PM

Sir: I take it from your comment that you either attended Ohio State or West Virginia. I see you have not shed the inferiority complex that seems to go part and parcel with attending those institutions. Also, aren't you calling the kettle black with that last sentence?

Anyway, I would not normally respond further to such a gauche provocation, but I noticed your e-mail address contained the words "equity" and "quant" in it. As such, you clearly have a mind for finance and analysis, and can fully appreciate what I am about to say.

Not only do I hope you don't get a bonus this year, I hope you're so far below your high-water mark that you'll end up eating scrapple for Christmas dinner. I hope your rivals figure out your positions, that your brokers issue you innumerable margin calls, and that your bankers pick over your fund's bones like a flock of vultures discovering a lost herd of cattle in the desert. 'Cause His judgment cometh, and that right soon.

With love,
Benjamin Kepple

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at November 24, 2008 07:51 AM
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