WITH FOOTBALL SEASON just a few weeks away, I thought it would be important for Loyal Rant Readers to know where I stand when it comes to my football team loyalties. Although my partisanship for certain teams, like the glorious Pittsburgh Steelers, is well known, it is less well known that I actually have a complex scheme ranking all 32 NFL teams (and all 8 CFL teams) in order of preference. This allows me to take any game -- even a crappy one -- and turn it from a boring snooze-fest between two awful teams into an exciting contest full of chills and thrills.
I know not everyone is as enamored of this idea as I am. Some time back, one of my colleagues at work asked me -- with a bit of exasperation in his voice -- "Can't you just enjoy the game?" The answer to this question, of course, is No. Besides, let's say there's a real stinker of a game on television -- between, say, the Carolina Panthers and the Minnesota Vikings. Normally, I would really have to force myself to watch it. But under my Detailed Football Loyalties Scheme, I can switch to a pro-Panthers mindset in about ten seconds and start rooting for Jake GoHomme and the Panthers to beat up on the Vikings. It's easy!
So how does it work, you ask? Well, here you go:
Now, you must realize the table is read left-to-right, then up-and-down: the Jets top the Chiefs, who top the Saints, but both teams top the Tennessee Titans. So, for instance, in a game between the Detroit Lions and the New York Jets, I would root for the Lions. In a game between the Jets and the Buffalo Bills, I would root for the Jets. In a game between the Chicago Bears and the St. Louis Rams, I would root for the Bears. You can also see I would almost never root for the New England Patriots and it would require extreme extenuating circumstances for me to root for the Baltimore Ravens.
You see, there are -- in theory -- situations I could root for the Ravens. However, these situations only involve playoff considerations for my favored teams. For instance, if Baltimore is playing the Cincinnati Bengals, and if the Ravens knock out the Bengals it would allow the Cleveland Browns to get into the playoffs, then I would root for the Ravens. These extenuating circumstances are only applicable to the Steelers, Browns and Lions' playoff chances, and not to other teams.
I hope this chart proves handy for Loyal Rant Readers who, during week seven of the season, will wonder why I'm going on about the Saints-Panthers game, a game which no one outside of Louisiana or the Carolinas watched, or why I'm suddenly beating up on the Denver Broncos. It will also help explain my ranting on about Canadian football, a side of football not normally discussed in the United States. (That could change if Americans could, you know, actually watch the games, but that is neither here nor there).Posted by Benjamin Kepple at August 11, 2008 01:48 PM | TrackBack