May 02, 2008

USAID to Send Shipment of Combs to London

Hopes Shipment of Fine, American-Made Combs
Will Assist Johnson, New London Mayor

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London "Gobsmacked" at American Generosity
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Report: Livingstone Blames Americans, Israelis, Indians,
Saudis, Immigrants, Fascists, Media, and Quangos for Loss

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By LORD GREEN of Weston-infra-Mare
Far East Economic Rant

LONDON -- Domestic and foreign observers hailed news that the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) would express-ship a pallet of "high-quality, made-in-America hair combs" to City Hall in London in time for new London Mayor Boris Johnson's inauguration as the city's chief executive.

The shipment of combs, which observers expect will also include quantities of hair brushes, hair spray, pomade and other quality American hair-care products, was reportedly due to leave Andrews Air Force Base about 2 a.m. British Summer Time. The good-will gesture is seen as indicating warmer relations between the U.S. and Britain, although some have grumbled the move is unneeded.

"There's nothing wrong with Boris Johnson's hair, just like there was nothing wrong with English houses before the introduction of central heating," said local Conservative voter Posonby Runciman, OBE, as he prepared to motor into central London. "Next thing we know, the Americans shall start parading around our streets like an occupying army! This, my dear sir, cannot be borne!"

Other Londoners shared this view.

"Right! What do we need with some stinking Yank combs anyway?! British combs'll work just fine, even for a customer like Boris!" said Ted Farnham, an unemployed file clerk who gave his occupation "as a supporter of West Ham United."

"The Yanks can take their bloody combs and sod off," Farnham said.

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BORIS JOHNSON, the Conservative MP for Henley-on-Thames, is shown here in an unretouched image captured from television. Johnson was elected Mayor of Greater London on Friday, beating incumbent Mayor Ken "Red Ken" Livingstone. As a goodwill gesture, the United States is express-shipping a pallet of combs and other military-issue hair-care products to London for the new mayor, as Johnson's hair has proven impervious to every hair-care product and device in Great Britain.

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The American Government is reportedly sympathetic to Londoners' views, and does not wish a repeat of an "admittedly unfortunate" incident in 1995, when newly-elected Paris mayor Jean Tiberi was express-shipped a case of Mitchum deodorant.

"We simply want to reach out to our English friends in a spirit of good will and friendship," said Les Slote, third secretary of the American embassy in London. "We very much value the support and assistance they have shown us over the years, and we thought this would be a nice way to show our appreciation. I mean, yeah, we could have paid for some dentists to come over and take NHS patients, but this was a fast and easy way to show our support for the new mayor."

"Also, we congratulate -- uh, Chelsea Football Club, whatever that is -- on its excellent season and hope they reach the top of the, er, league table," added Slote, reading from his notes.

There was no immediate reaction to the donation from Her Majesty's Government, which was reeling from an "absolutely disasterous" round of local elections. Prime Minister Gordon Brown had reportedly retreated to the Government's stronghold at Belbury with his chief advisors, John Wither and Augustus Frost, to plot a future strategy, which will reportedly revolve around the concept of "elasticity in Government."

Meanwhile, outgoing mayor Ken Livingstone was reportedly engaged in a tirade in his office at City Hall, in which he blamed the Americans, the Israelis, the Indians, the Saudis, immigrants, fascists, the media and "particularly the incompetence of his quangos' get-out-the-vote efforts" for his loss.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at May 2, 2008 08:58 PM | TrackBack
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