April 20, 2008

I've Only Got Four Minutes to Save the World

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...

An occasional Rant feature

ALTHOUGH I CONSIDER myself a loyal and right-thinking American, willing to stand with my country right or wrong, I must admit there are times when I despair greatly for the future of the Republic. Sometimes I despair when I look at certain past decisions of the nation's Government (e.g., the Seventeenth Amendment and the Twenty-Sixth Amendment). Other times I despair when I consider present developments in society, such as the fact people actually send text messages whilst driving motor vehicles. Then, there are my search logs, which cause me the most despair of all.

I mean, I'm sorry, but what am I to make of the fact that the phrase "melty crunchy spicy grilled" was the second-most searched for term on The Rant this month? I'm not even including certain variants of the phrase, such as "what is the melty crunchy spicy grilled" and "crunchy melty spicy melty."

These folks can't all be foreigners trying to learn the finer points of modern American culture -- since nearly all my visitors are from the United States, one can thus deduce that actual American citizens are typing these terms into their search engines and arriving here. This bothers me. I mean, I'm willing to laugh at certain foibles of American life -- like that Johnny Bravo episode where our dimwitted hero, upon encountering his VCR clock blinking 12:00, thought what any reasonable person would have thought -- "that time had stopped for everyone but me!" But this ... oy vey.

Anyway, if you've come here searching for "melty crunchy spicy grilled" or any of its variant phrases, I would encourage you to ... I don't know, look harder for gainful employment. Also, it probably wouldn't hurt you to eat a salad. But I digress. Let's move on to the deeper and, in many ways, more disturbing aspects of The Rant's search logs in this latest edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered!


QUERY: currency speculation

ANSWER: Alarmingly, currency speculation was the third-most popular query here at The Rant this month. Folks, if you're interested in currency speculation, I guess I should start by applauding your interest in financial matters. That said, if you do take part in forex speculation, you're going to get chewed up and spit out. This is because the leverage used in these transactions (100 to 1 is typical) can be disasterous for novice investors. Also, novice investors don't have a chance in hell of beating the experts at their own game. However, if you must pursue this silly notion, I would advise waiting to do it until everyone stops talking about currency speculation.

QUERY: anheuser busch tattoo

ANSWER: Do you have any idea how much money it costs to remove a tattoo? I don't either, but I'm sure it's not cheap. Don't make a stupid mistake that you'll later regret, particularly as someday you'll make more money and start drinking real beer, and not watered-down American-style pilseners that taste like horse urine.

QUERY: is kalamazoo dangerous

ANSWER: Well, as with any city, it depends in which part of Kalamazoo you are. But generally, it's about as dangerous as any struggling small post-industrial Rust Belt city. Which is to say, yeah, kinda sorta.

QUERY: circle and exclamation point warning light in 2005 mitsubishi endeavor

ANSWER: This warns drivers about losing style points for buying a Japanese sport-utility vehicle. Particularly if you're in Michigan. If that's the case, good luck with that.

QUERY: potted meat in the can for low carb diet?

ANSWER: For the record, The Rant believes potted meat should not be part of anyone's diet if at all possible. It's potted meat, for God's sake.

QUERY: dummest small claims

ANSWER: Pot? It's kettle on line three!

QUERY: now that s what i call music song list

ANSWER: Now how would I know that? Do I look like Rick Dees? Don't answer that!

QUERY: what is market rally

ANSWER: A market rally is when the hedge funds and speculators who control the markets change direction suddenly and bid up the price of securities through buying, thus temporarily creating the illusion that small investors have gained wealth. Give it time. It'll change.

QUERY: nebraska football

ANSWER: *snicker* *guffaw* ... what's that? You want a real answer? Fine. I shall summon the words of the famed actor Joe Lo Truglio ("You loser! God, you are such a loser!").

QUERY: what happens if i drink too much beet juice

ANSWER: Your tongue turns purple and you get jaundice.

QUERY: the chance of plaintiffs winning against corporations improved between 1988-1992?

ANSWER: The chance of plaintiffs winning against corporations improved when juries decided they didn't like corporations and wanted to "send a message" instead of actually dealing with the claims at hand.

QUERY: grand rapids sex group

ANSWER: I don't want to know.

QUERY: an instance of cultural misunderstanding that happened to you

ANSWER: I walked down Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley in a suit once. No, really. I did. This prompted many instances of cultural misunderstanding. Goddamned hippies.

QUERY: what does a woman wear to james bond party

ANSWER: Very little?

QUERY: 1979 business week ran an infamous cover story titled "the death of equities"

ANSWER: Yeah, that was a lulu!

QUERY: ways to spell the name benjamin

ANSWER: There is ONE way to spell the name Benjamin. ONE WAY. Don't screw it up! Also, if you're going to name your son Benjamin -- a good, solid name, by the way, and evidence of your sophistication and cleverness -- DO NOT call him a nickname other than "Ben." That's all you get: Ben or Benjamin. Not Benny, not Benji, just Ben or Benjamin.

QUERY: based on value line s forecasted information what is the range of possible intrinsic values for geico?

ANSWER: I'm just stunned to learn Value Line still offers its print product. Wow. Anyway, I'm not a subscriber so I can't tell you, but certainly Value Line is an excellent and wonderful source. I remember those black binders -- I wonder if they still have them!

QUERY: if i pay off the mortgage to buy half my girlfriend s house what are the tax implications? we d change the title to joint tenants.

ANSWER: Never mind the tax implications! If you're going to buy a house with the girl you should start thinking about something a bit more serious, shouldn't you?

QUERY: appropriate actions to take against a narcissistic boss

ANSWER: Quit and get a new job.

QUERY: clever comebacks like did i invite you to my barbucue? then why are you all up in my grill?

ANSWER: That's not clever, primarily because it uses the word "grill" in a non-ironic slang sense. Not cool.

QUERY: which 15th seeded school upset iowa st. in the first round of the 2001 ncaa menĂ½s basketball tournament?

ANSWER: Murray State.

QUERY: eugene oregon where to stay weird places

ANSWER: The whole stupid town is weird. Thus, you're weirded out by default. You'll fit right in!

QUERY: what musical note does a car horn beep in?

ANSWER: In my experience, it's either an F or an A note -- usually an A note -- but it varies by make and model.

QUERY: matthew mcconaughey rooting for duke

ANSWER: He would do that.

QUERY: matt hasselbeck post game interview lavender argyle sweater

ANSWER: He would do that.

QUERY: waitress places check in front of female meaning

ANSWER: I have to think that's a not-so-subtle slap at the man she's with. A proper waiter should always place the check in front of the man, who should not let the woman see it, unless he wishes to openly advertise that he's leaving a decent tip.

QUERY: i live in washington dc can i file a complaint against my neighbor for all the noise

ANSWER: Good luck with that!

QUERY: lazy high school student

ANSWER: Can you blame him?

QUERY: students who do their homework do better on tests than students who dont

ANSWER: One would hope so.

QUERY: i was ecstatic they renamed french fries as freedom fries. grown men and women in positions of power in the us government showing themselves as idiots

ANSWER: Yeah, you know, because that's not normally the case.

QUERY: why must celebrities have uncommon names

ANSWER: They're not as bright as they think they are.

QUERY: i want a guy with smooth liquidations i want a guy with good dividends meaning

ANSWER: She'll eventually want half.

QUERY: indeed economic commentator ben stein has promoted the notion of market manipulation from the shadows largely in the form of hedge funds

ANSWER: You know what? He ain't wrong, either.

QUERY: which of the following is correct? a.it s a lot of work b. don t aggravate me. c. between you and me i think it stinks d. she is smarter then he is.

ANSWER: All of the above.

QUERY: why was pete postlethwaite chosen to play kobayashi?

ANSWER: Because Pete Postlethwaite rules, that's why.

QUERY: overachieving douchebag hot girlfriend

ANSWER: If there is one thing I've learned in life, it is this -- love is strange. As frustrating as it can be to men, who tend to analyze relationships like they're assigning bond ratings, trying to apply rules of logic and traditional analysis does not work when one deals with love. Thus, it makes no sense trying to understand why Hot Woman A is dating Douchebag B. Your job, consequently, is to get over it and find a hot girlfriend of your own, and experience the joy of it accordingly.

QUERY: how to strategically plan for a beauty pageant-what steps must be taken

ANSWER: I have no idea. I know little about beauty pageants. It may be wise to plan out answers beforehand for the inevitable stupid questions the judges ask the contestants, though.

QUERY: why do people tend to give leaders too much credit or blame for organizational outcomes?

ANSWER: Because the leaders are making all the money.

QUERY: what should you do if you do not know the answer to a client s query?

ANSWER: Find the answer.

QUERY: society distracted with sport and celebrity

ANSWER: Yes, but that's all part of Secret Master Plan 46B, which the Legion of Doom is conducting under the Superfriends' noses. Don't resist it -- at least, not with the sport. Sport is fun and enjoyable and celebrates the grand virtues of American life. In the meantime, save your money and start investing so you can be part of the investor class which will rule American life in about 20 to 30 years or so -- at least, they will until the Wonder Twins take the form of inflation and recession, respectively.

QUERY: price ceiling of $1 000 per month might be set on two-bedroom apartments by santa monica municipality of california affect the supply and demand curve

ANSWER: That's the type of typically stupid idea Santa Monica would come up with, but I'll tell you the answer: it will send the supply plummeting. We already know demand is very high for Santa Monica apartments and supply is limited, and price equilibrium has been established at that point. If you screw with the equilibrium, you'll create a shortage because supply will fall while demand will increase. In fact, I'd go so far as to say two-bedroom apartments would disappear if this came to pass -- the owners would simply turn their buildings into condominiums.

Well, that's a fitting end to another edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next time when we discuss the Cincinnati Bengals, the ECB's Volcker-like focus on inflationary pressures, and why television still sucks. Until then, have a great weekend!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at April 20, 2008 12:41 AM | TrackBack
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