March 15, 2008

Rant Conference Call on AAFL Season Postponement


UNKNOWN: Was that how you really responded when you got the e-mail about the All-American Football League being postponed for a year?

Mr KEPPLE: Well, it's a good enough approximation -- are we on? Hello? Gad, I can never figure these things out, it's pound-three to ... (BEEP)(BOOP) ... goddammit! Hello? Hello! Konnichi wa! (BEEP)(BEEP)


OPERATOR: Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the conference call for Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant Inc. With us today is Mr. Benjamin Kepple, The Rant's chief executive, from Hamilton, Bermuda. Mr. Kepple, are you with us?

Mr KEPPLE: Hello? Hello! (BOOOOOP)(BEEP) Wretched godrotting phone system!

OPERATOR: Mr. Kepple will commence the conference call, after which there will be a question-and-answer period. Your phones will be on mute until that time; to ask a question, press "star-one." Mr Kepple?

Mr KEPPLE: Hello, everyone. All right.

As you know, on Feb. 27, I announced on The Rant I would undertake a trip to Michigan in April for the purpose of spending my Government stimulus money. However, I am afraid I have some bad news. As you know, I was planning to head to Michigan to watch Team Michigan of the All-American Football League play Alabama as part of that trip. Unfortunately ... unfortunately ... the league has postponed its launch until spring 2009.

According to published reports, the league's backers were facing liquidity issues related to the Wall Street credit crunch, and couldn't find new investors to pump more cash into the project before it launched. The key quote here, for those of you wondering, is this: "When I told the board I would subsidize the league, that was before the bond market collapsed."

So, anyway, they called the whole thing off and hope to restart next year. Needless to say, this didn't impress a lot of people, but I am hopeful the league will start in 2009. You know, we need spring football. OK, let's open things up to questions.

ANALYST: Yes, this is Harold Marcuse from Catch a Falling Knife LLC. We've been looking over the Rant's financials and are wondering if this means you'll get your ticket money back.

Mr KEPPLE: Yes, the league will refund all ticket purchases shortly. Besides, I paid with a credit card, so I'm all good. So in a way, this isn't so bad, because I'm $73 on the upside.

REPORTER: Kieran C. Hooft from Reuters here -- are you calling off your trip?

Mr KEPPLE: You must be joking.

Mr HOOFT: Actually, I'm not.

Mr KEPPLE: Ah. Well, of course I'm not calling off my trip. I mean, I already paid for the plane ticket. I made all my reservations. Plus, I'm going to an Arena Football League game in Grand Rapids. Yeah. That said, I did try to see if there were any other arenaball games -- AFL or af2 -- in the area, but there weren't. I mean, as much as I love the Manchester Wolves, I'm not driving to Scranton on my long weekend to see them. It's Scranton. Anyway, there's plenty of things to do in Michigan on a Saturday, so I'll figure something out.

REPORTER: Any chance football will be involved?

Mr KEPPLE: Can you believe Kalamazoo's indoor-football league team -- not arena football, but indoor football -- has a bye-week that week? Gad. For that matter, can you believe there are entire leagues of indoor football that aren't part of the arena league system? I mean, my God. I'm still trying to get my head around it.

I'm not kidding, either -- they're the Kalamazoo Xplosion. That's the name. They play in the Continental Indoor Football League.

REPORTER: They're called the Xplosion? That's the best name they could come up with? The Xplosion?

Mr KEPPLE: I guess it fits. I mean, if you can imagine it -- SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNNNN-DAY! GET READY to EXPLODE!


Mr KEPPLE: The mascot is Xplodey the Coyote.

REPORTER: You've got to be kidding.

Mr KEPPLE: No. You know what the kicker is -- every other indoor football team I could find in Michigan is playing away that week. Flint, Saginaw, Muskegon -- they're all playing away games. If I really wanted to see a game, I'd have to go to Fort Wayne to do it. For all you non-Midwesterners, that's just over the border in Indiana.

Hey, wait a minute.

Yeah. Fuck it, I'm going to Fort Wayne on Saturday night! FORT WAYNE FOOTBALL!


Mr KEPPLE: Oh, come on. You know this is the exact type of crazy stunt I would pull, just because I could.

REPORTER: So let me get this straight. You're going to go to -- how to put this -- a minor-league indoor football game that's so minor-league it's not even part of the arena system, and you're going to do it when you could theoretically get tickets to the NBA or NHL playoffs in Detroit.

Mr KEPPLE: It'd make a hell of a blog entry.

(Murmured assent).

REPORTER: You're completely insane!

Mr KEPPLE: Dammit! I planned a football trip! That was the whole point! And no stupid economic crisis, no stupid hedge fund, no frickin' deleveraging of investments is going to stop me from doing it! Football is part of what makes America great! For that matter, minor league sports are part of what makes America great -- the striving and the guts and the glory of it all! Are you with me?!


Mr KEPPLE: Plus, tickets are only FIFTEEN BUCKS! And they're good seats! GOOD SEATS!


Mr KEPPLE: ALL RIGHT! Let's get out there and do this! Football will be ours! Football will be ours!



REPORTER: You sure you're not going to see the Red Wings?

Mr KEPPLE: Somebody grab him!

REPORTER: This is a conference call, how the -- (BEEP)(BOOP)(BEEEEEEEEEP)

OPERATOR: Thank you all (BEEEEP) for taking part in today's conference call (BOOOP) with Benjamin Kepple of Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant Inc. This call will be archived and transcribed on The Rant's Web site, at, where (BOOOP) it can be downloaded on demand. Thank you.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at March 15, 2008 09:08 PM | TrackBack

I read about this the other day, and wondered what this would do to your economic stimulus plan. We could always try and make up for it at Charley's or something, if you make it over to that side of the state.

Posted by: Geoff Brown at March 16, 2008 02:28 PM

Done! Will e-mail with you details!

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at March 16, 2008 08:20 PM
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