January 30, 2008

Someone Needs a Backbone Sub, With Extra Backbone

AS IF IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH that Subway's sole form of advertising involves subjecting the American people to the not-funny and not-innovative maunderings of Mr Jared Fogle, the ubiquitous sub chain is now taking issue with other companies' advertisements just because they're funny.

OK, OK, maybe that's a bit much. Still, the people behind Subway have sued rival sandwich chain Quizno's over an ad campaign that portrays Quizno's sub sandwiches as superior to Subway's. Subway's attorneys, according to The New York Times, claim Quizno's advertisements -- some of which were dreamed up by actual normal people, and not advertising executives -- were defamatory. Why, these advertisements contained "literally false statements" and depicted Subway in a "disparaging manner," according to the chain's lawsuit.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo. What the hell is wrong with these people? Jesus -- get out there and kick some ass! If your competitor decides he's going to openly attack you, you don't go whining to your lawyers and send nastygrams -- you go out and fight back. Not only that, you beat him so frickin' bad that the mere thought of your campaign will send him into spasms of whimpering. I'm serious. If this means sending Jared into a Quizno's franchisee meeting with a baseball bat and videotaping the ensuing spectacle, then do it.

I mean, it's not like we haven't been through this before. Remember the Cola Wars, and how the evil people behind Pepsi tried to overthrow the Coca-Cola Co. in their sick quest to rid America of everything good and decent?

God, those bastards -- tricking our young people into thinking Pepsi was cool and with it? Lies -- all lies! But Coca-Cola didn't just sit there, now did they? Hell, no. They fought back. That's exactly what Subway should be doing here. Instead of going to their lawyers and crying, they need to go tell their advertising people to ... well, have a little fun with the situation. Then they can sit back and let the ad people go to work, and the next thing you'll know, the Quizno's people will be begging for mercy, because it's not fair the Subway people compared their giant footlong subs to those tiny little mini-sandwiches, or whatever it is Quizno's rolled out recently. So get to work, Subway! You aren't going to let those rotten scoundrels get away with this with their egos intact, are you?

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at January 30, 2008 12:25 AM | TrackBack
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