December 15, 2007

Christmas Carols for Today's Age

ONE OF THE OLD JOYS of the Christmas season used to be that everyone dusted off their Christmas music compilations and played them for an evening or two, allowing everyone to get in the Christmas spirit. Now, of course, the soulless marketers and cheap radio stations start playing Christmas music somewhere around Veterans' Day, and everyone gets sick of Christmas music before Advent. So their message gets a bit lost in the grand rush of consumerism. And although I like consumerism -- don't get me wrong -- even I find it a bit ridiculous.

I could put up with the rash of Christmas music if it started playing around a decent time -- like, the Friday before Christmas. But since that's never going to happen again in my lifetime, I've come up with some alternative lyrics to traditional favorites that better reflect our modern capitalist age. That's because the real reason for the season isn't going to register on people's radar screens until Dec. 23 or Dec. 24. So, with that, here you go: Christmas Carols for Today's Age!

(NOTICE: If you ARE in a Christmasy mood, please be forewarned these "Christmas carols" get increasingly cynical, curmudgeonly and Scrooge-like as you progress. So you might want to skip these. Unless, like me, you have a morbid and wicked sense of humor).

--------------

Do You Hear What I Hear?
(with apologies to Noel Regney and Gloria Shayne)

Said the trader to the specialist,
do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, specialist,
do you see what I see?
It's down, it's down --
the market's uptight
with a ticker tape full of fright
with a ticker tape full of fright

Said the specialist to the trading chief,
do you hear what I hear?
Whispers on the sly, trading chief
do you hear what I hear?
A cut, a cut --
what we want to see
with a report due out by three
with a report due out by three

Said the trading chief to the big M.D.
do you know what I know?
in your grand office, big M.D.,
do you know what I know?
The Fed, the Fed,
plans to be quite bold,
let us buy up euros and gold!
let us buy up euros and gold!

Said the boss to the people everywhere,
Listen to what I say:
fifty points, people everywhere
Listen to what I say:
Rate cuts, rate cuts
there's reason to hope!
They will bring us rallies and growth!
They will bring us rallies and growth!

Rate cuts, rate cuts,
There's reason to hope!
They will bring us rallies and growth!

-------------------

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
(with apologies to Andy Williams)

It's the most wonderful time of the year --
with the markets all selling
and everyone telling you
no bonus here--
it's the most wonderful time of the year!

It's the hap-happiest season of all!
With those insincere greetings
and those wretched meetings
when margins gets called --
it's the hap-happiest season of all!

There'll be parties for boasting
bad headaches for dosing;
and making out after the show;
there'll be weird lawsuit stories
and tales of the glories
of Christmases long long ago!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!
There'll be lots of loud groaning
and bitching and moaning
when swag don't appear --
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There'll be parties for boasting
bad headaches for dosing;
and making out after the show;
there'll be weird lawsuit stories
and tales of the glories
of Christmases long long ago!

It's the most wonderful time --
the most wonderful time --
the most wonderful time --
of the year!

---------------

Let it Go! Let it Go! Let it Go!
(based on "Let it Snow!")
(with apologies to Sammy Cahn)

Oh, our new mortgage rate is frightful
and the lenders are being spiteful
since we've no fixed-rate loan,
let it go! let it go! let it go!

It doesn't show signs of stoppin'
the adjustments are eye-poppin'
our hopes are at all-new lows;
let it go! let it go! let it go!

When we finally walk away,
how we'll hate our new credit report,
but these lenders are so damned tight,
their big losses will make us warm!

The American dream is dying,
and our blood pressure's still rising
but as long as they hold that note,
let it go!
let it go!
let it go! let it go! let it go!

--------------------

It's the Holiday Season!
(with apologies to Andy Williams)

Happy holiday!
Happy holiday!
While the registers keep ringing,
Happy holiday to you!

It's the holiday season,
-- the prices are going way down
the credit card interest makes you frown
and under your debts you seem to drown
-- you'll be goin' down the toilet, down!
(You'll be goin' down the toilet, down!)

It's the holiday season,
and Santa Claus has made a toy
wanted by good girls and good little boys;
get one now, or there won't be joy --
you'll be goin' down the toilet, down!
(You'll be goin' down the toilet, down!)

You'll have a big ice pack upon your back,
and lots of aches from all the shopping --
so eat the peppermint stick for ol' St. Nick,
'cause that's about all that's free!

It's the holiday season!
So buy presents and watch the clock
(you may need to sell some stock)
or just exactly at twelve o'clock --
you'll be going down the toilet, down!
(You'll be goin' down the toilet, down!)

You'll have a big ice pack upon your back,
and lots of aches from all the shopping --
so eat the peppermint stick for ol' St. Nick,
'cause that's about all that's free!

It's the holiday season!
So buy presents and watch the clock
(you may need to sell some stock)
or just exactly at twelve o'clockl
you'll be going down the toilet, down!
(You'll be goin' down the toilet, down!)

Happy holiday! Happy holiday!
While the registers keep ringing --
happy holiday to you!

---------

Merry Christmas, everybody! (No, really. I mean it this time. Merry Christmas to everyone, and I do hope that you and your families have a wonderful holiday and a prosperous New Year).

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at December 15, 2007 09:51 PM | TrackBack
Comments
Post a comment









Remember personal info?