October 31, 2007

No Mere Mortal Can Resist the Evil of the Search-Engine Queries

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...

An occasional Rant feature

LOYAL RANT READERS know I am not much of a Halloween enthusiast, although I certainly enjoyed it as a child. In a world where science and reason have triumphed over the centuries-old stories of things that go bump in the night, I have succumbed and joined up with Bradbury's legions of joyless functionaries. Gone are the ghosts and terrors and the cold winds of a late autumn night; they are obsolete and have been filed away, replaced with account ledgers and news feeds and all the trappings of modern capitalism.

Still, there are things out there which fill me with fear, and worry, and dread. For instance, I don't know about you, but the spectre of a really nasty inflationary spiral causes me to break out into a cold sweat, as does the horrible multi-tentacled wraith of long-term fiscal instability. Oh, and let's not forget the hideous plague of wage and price controls -- just because they died back in the Seventies doesn't mean they won't return someday. Given the holiday, I won't poke fun at those folks who actually believe in vampirism or lycanthropy, nor will I chuckle mirthfully at people who spell magic with a 'k.' I'm just saying, I'm a hell of a lot more scared of gasoline rationing.

Fortunately, all these modern terrors are being held at bay. But one terror is very much front and center -- two entire months' worth of search-engine queries here at The Rant. Their stupidity and wretchedness are enough to make even the most hardened observer despair at the state of the world. For if people are really this stupid, can there be any hope for a better and brighter future, a future in which the virtues of work and thrift are rewarded and the vice of indolence scorned?

What's that, you say? Don't be so negative? Ha! Friends, I have seen these terrors up close -- and I have closed my eyes and hoped it was just imagination. But all the while, I've heard the creature creeping up behind -- and we're out of time. So let's get to it -- 'cause this is Thriller -- Thriller -- Night.


QUERY: headache nausea constipation or diarrhea falling heart rate and blood pressure fatigue drowsiness and insomnia irritability difficulty concentrating anxiety depression increased hunger and caloric intake increased pleasantness of the taste of sweets

ANSWER: Funny, that's exactly how I feel when I watch reality television. Oh, and since the entertainment-industrial complex is going to screw over the television writers in their contract talks, we'll get EVEN MORE reality television when the writers go on strike soon. Swell.

QUERY: madonna s indian phase

ANSWER: Well, that's kind of a natural after the faux-English accent phase, innit?

QUERY: wearing tinted glasses indoors

ANSWER: That, along with a mullet and a fondness for "American-style light pilsners," constitute the Three Key Warning Signs your date may have just gotten out of the hoosegow.

QUERY: where is tommy maddox

ANSWER: As long as he ain't on the Pittsburgh Steelers' roster, I -- don't -- care.

QUERY: what does the exclamation point mean on the dashboard of a mitsubishi endeavor?

ANSWER: Your tires are about to fall off and cause an auto accident so amazing it will go down in the annals of local history. Also, the company's president will be forced to apologize at a press conference and spend the rest of his days looking out of a window at the campus below.

QUERY: tenant landlord harrassment iowa

ANSWER: My God! They have apartments in Iowa!

QUERY: haunted houses texarkana

ANSWER: Look for the rusting 1981 Pontiac Ambassador up on the blocks.

QUERY: beating a calif ticket for not having a front license plate

ANSWER: You can't. The good news is that it will only cost you $10 or so to have a deputy inspect your car and give it an OK once you've replaced the tag. The bad news is that it will take you practically an entire day because California's courts are hopelessly clogged. And no, the policeman who pulled you over does NOT have murders to solve.

QUERY: effects of taco bell on mexican americans

ANSWER: The same as on any American -- which is to say, and I quote, "headache nausea constipation or diarrhea falling heart rate and blood pressure fatigue drowsiness and insomnia irritability difficulty concentrating anxiety depression increased hunger and caloric intake increased pleasantness of the taste of sweets."

QUERY: what happens if you don't pay child support in illlinois

ANSWER: Governor Rod! comes to your house and waves a big sign in front of all your neighbors proclaiming you're a deadbeat and a scoundrel. Now write the check.

QUERY: bad tasting kraft deluxe macaroni and cheese

ANSWER: And you're surprised why? I mean, come on, what do you expect for $1.99? Or $1.59? Or whatever macaroni and "cheese" goes for these days?

QUERY: age of brent musburger

ANSWER: 106.

QUERY: places to see in the southwestern plains of minnesota

ANSWER: Oh, I'm sure there's something, like the world's largest ball of twine. I know that whenever I get a chance to go on vacation, I always want to go to the southwestern plains of Minnesota, especially in winter.

QUERY: repeal daylight savings time

ANSWER: This is a fabulous and well-reasoned idea, and as such the chance of it actually happening is something very close to zero.

QUERY: man wearing skirt in kalamazoo

ANSWER: Well, as long as he wasn't yodeling on the street. If I recall correctly, singing to one's beloved is strictly forbidden in the Paper City.

QUERY: monster chiller horror theater

ANSWER: Heh heh heh. Count Floyd.

QUERY: anti religion car magnet

ANSWER: There are plenty of these out there; however, one should weigh important considerations when deciding to put one of these on one's car, such as: "Will my anti-religion car magnet actually make me look like a nasty, unpleasant louse of a human being whose presence at parties is about as welcome as the Ebola virus?"

QUERY: pinky is the american nickname for which part of the human body

ANSWER: The spleen.

QUERY: saskatchewan roughriders plaza dinner dress code

ANSWER: Wear your nice tuque!

QUERY: dogs eat in restaurant boston

ANSWER: God! What an idea! I can't for the life of me believe that any self-respecting restaurateur would allow dogs to eat in his establishment. For that matter, I can't for the life of me believe any self-respecting diner would bring along their mangy, flea-ridden slobbering mutt priceless companion animal to a fancy restaurant. So I suppose it must be in vogue.

QUERY: is britney spears a good role model for teens

ANSWER: Well, I guess that depends on your aspirations for your teenager, doesn't it?

QUERY: the beast is the modern world that we live in. the material world. the physical world. the world of illusion that we think is real. we live for it. we re enslaved by it. and it will ultimately be our undoing. revelations

ANSWER: Perhaps. That said, I still want whatever John of Patmos was smoking, because he was clearly pretty high and far out.

QUERY: does sex help heal after pleurisy?

ANSWER: Well, it'll certainly take your mind off the rasping death-rattle emanating from your ruined lungs, won't it?

QUERY: stockbroker using math

ANSWER: Front load + recommendation = commission

QUERY: did madonna attend university of michigan

ANSWER: Yes -- but only for one year. Thus, any public pronouncement she makes on issues is automatically less important than similar pronouncements from Michigan graduates *cough* but far more important than pronouncements from graduates of Ohio State.

QUERY: how to put your (deleted) in a vacuum cleaner


QUERY: smart comebacks to confuse imbeciles

ANSWER: My three favorite comebacks are, as follows:

1. "I love you too." That will always confuse an imbecile.
2. "I don't care if you're Christ! I'm not (doing what was requested of you)." That will cause an imbecile to pause.
3. "I'm sorry; were you saying something?" That will give you enough time to grab something handy, like a broken beer bottle.

QUERY: golddiggers to avoid

ANSWER: All of them.

QUERY: does crohn's disease disqualify me from serving in the military?

ANSWER: I don't know. I bet it would increase the chances you'd get sent on "routine patrol" far away from your assigned unit.

QUERY: does net worth it have anything to do with wealth?


QUERY: americans how many have taken out insurance policies against turning into werewolves or vampires?

ANSWER: 37 million.

QUERY: anthony morelli sucks

ANSWER: You'll get no argument from me on THAT!

QUERY: blue pill red pill dating pick up line

ANSWER: Do you WANT to get arrested?

QUERY: help i need to make fun of the new england patriots

ANSWER: Welcome aboard, new Loyal Rant Reader!

QUERY: what does it mean when an arena football team releases a player?

ANSWER: Remember those NCAA commercials about how there are roughly 93 million NCAA student-athletes, and all of them will go on to do something other than sports? Well, that's kind of what's going to happen here. But the player will be fine as long as he didn't go to Florida State.

QUERY: carolina panthers team players not packers not tickets not cheerleaders not schedule not cheerleader scandall

ANSWER: Boy, and I thought the Browns fans had it bad.

QUERY: waorld price of silicon water is $1000 and japanese equilibrium price with no international trade is $2500 japan imposed tax $1000per water what would happen to the equilibrium price and quantity of solicon waters used in japan answer with graph

ANSWER: It'd go up to $3,500 because there's no international trade, so never mind the world price. Thus, demand would fall accordingly.

QUERY: can t afford a mcmansion

ANSWER: That's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, why would you want one? You'd have this huge house and people would be snickering at you because you couldn't decorate it properly, and the taxes would be oppressive, and you'd be living in some soulless subdivision and reduced to talking about your children's schools and complaining about your homeowners' association.

QUERY: what world needs is love oh sweet love

ANSWER: Actually, what the world needs is a stable system of property rights in all countries.

QUERY: how often do guys disappear then reappear in dating

ANSWER: Well, you can bet he's reappearing for one thing.

QUERY: now you know knowing is half the battle show

ANSWER: That would be "Ellen."

QUERY: michigan speed limit change to 70 detroit

ANSWER: Yeah, but you still get to go like 90, especially if there's light traffic. You know the drill. It's Michigan. All the drivers have lead foots and the freeways are dragways.

QUERY: i need a similar sentence to this that has all the 26 alphabets example the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog this sentence has all the alphabets e.g a b c to z are there

ANSWER: You also need a life.

QUERY: how long does worcestershire sauce last

ANSWER: Approximately two decades.

QUERY: pain makes you strong

ANSWER: No, it doesn't. Pain sucks.

QUERY: nfl coors light commercial is not funny

ANSWER: They are what we thought they were!

QUERY: they are who you thought they were

ANSWER: They are what we thought they were!

QUERY: has the use of i-pods and/or mobile phones created impolite and antisocial teenagers

ANSWER: Teenagers have always been impolite and anti-social. However, mobile phones and other electronic gadgets simply add to the level of insufferableness one must put up with from them.

QUERY: man who does not want to buy engagement ring

ANSWER: He's a loser and you should be glad you have the chance to get out of the relationship NOW before you get hooked into a lifetime of misery and despair, to say nothing of not going out like you used to do.

QUERY: you re pretty high and far out. what kind of kick are you on son?

ANSWER: I'm high on LIFE! Really! Honest!


Well, that's it for this spooky and scary edition of "Your Search Engine Queries Answered!" Tune in next time, when we'll undoubtedly have plenty of stupid search-engine queries about deep-frying turkeys, auto racing, the latest "must-have" toys for children and brokerage houses who hold untold amounts of collateralized debt obligations. Now THAT's scary. Until then, have a good week and remember: there ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes. Which, as we all know, is an allegorical reference to the loss-prevention system at Wal-Mart.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 31, 2007 11:31 PM | TrackBack
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