October 28, 2007

Foxboro Delenda Est

WELL, YOU CAN ADD ME to the list of people who are hoping beyond hope someone, anyone, will put a stop to the unstoppable New England Patriots juggernaut. You see, they're not only scary-good, they're also clearly -- well, jerks, as their conduct in their game against the Washington Redskins proved today. Well, if you could call it a game, considering the Patriots at one point were up FIFTY TWO TO NOTHING. I mean, my God. That's just wrong.

I am so annoyed with the Patriots today that I am officially moving them to the No. 1 spot on the List of Football Teams I Despise. Yes, that's right. They are officially supplanting the Baltimore Ravens as the team I detest the most in the NFL, which is saying something when you consider I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.

Now, the list of my most-hated NFL teams previously looked like this:

5. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Cincinnati Bengals
3. Washington Redskins
2. Dallas Cowboys
1. Baltimore Ravens

So as you can see, Philadelphia obviously drops off the list while everyone else moves back a spot to make room for the new No. 1 hated team, the New England Patriots.

Some readers may question why I actually have an entire list of teams in the NFL I despise. This is simple: it allows me to easily root for teams playing against them, making football even more fun. In fact, I have a mental list going for all 32 teams, allowing me to determine who I root for in any given game. At the top of the list -- those squads with Most Favored Team Status -- are the Pittsburgh Steelers, Cleveland Browns, and Detroit Lions, in that order. I automatically root for these teams unless they're playing each other, in which case my loyalty to Pittsburgh triumphs.

Next on the list comes teams that I am naturally sympathetic towards, such as the Buffalo Bills, the New Orleans Saints, the Tennessee Titans, the New York Jets and the Kansas City Chiefs. Then comes teams I don't really have an opinion on, like the St. Louis Rams and the Arizona Cardinals. After that comes teams I respect but don't like, such as the Indianapolis Colts, the Chicago Bears, the Green Bay Packers and the New York Giants. Then comes teams I don't like at all, such as the Oakland Raiders and Jacksonville Jaguars. Finally, one gets to the Most Hated Teams list.

So, why do the Patriots -- a team to which I was formerly somewhat sympathetic -- now find themselves on the outs with me? It's simple. The Patriots were up 38-0 today: 38-0. They were faced with a fourth and one on the Redskins' seven yard line. Not only was eerily good quarterback Tom Brady still in the game, they went for it -- and that led to a sixth touchdown for the squad a little later.

Now to me, that's sending the Redskins and the rest of the league a particular two-word message. My reaction to this is as one might expect: I love you too.

Simply put, the Patriots' behavior today was the type of gauche classlessness one expects from some sort of demonic combination of the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders. As such, it has become impossible for me to root for them, even in situations when I normally would. And I'm angry about that -- I mean, I'm going to have to root for the Colts next week. The Colts! The Colts with Mr Sign My Melon Rocket Arm! And I hate Mr Sign My Melon Rocket Arm! Blech! Blech! Blech! I mean, I feel like I need to take a shower.

So damn you, New England! Damn you, Evil Genius Hobo Coach! You'll get what you deserve! Hopefully on Dec. 9, when you face the glorious Pittsburgh Steelers in battle at Foxboro. Yesssss. Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't you invest some money into a decent communications system for the other teams?

Speaking of Mr Sign My Melon Rocket Arm, the Colts' game against the Carolina Panthers today shows the Colts can be beat. Never mind the score -- the Panthers gave evil Peyton Manning hell today in the first quarter. Keep that up for an entire game, and victory will follow.

As for the Steelers -- look who's 5-2 with key wins over division rivals! Surely the AFC North title will be ours. Oh, yes. It will be ours.

Speaking of the AFC North, I would not have expected the Browns to be in second place -- but that's about where I like to see them. Oh, and good on the Browns for winning two games in a row for the first time in -- well, a really, really long time.

Finally, I think the Detroit Lions could win the NFC North this year. I really do. Anyone else think the dead might be rising from the grave soon?

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 28, 2007 10:10 PM | TrackBack

Jealousy. Sad, sad, pathetic jealousy. But I can relate. I'm jealous, too. wish I could play for a team like that.

Posted by: Hines Ward at October 29, 2007 02:27 PM
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