October 17, 2007

Depressing Fortune Cookies Sweeping Nation

WELL, IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME. The nation's largest fortune cookie company has apparently told its writers to turn out new slogans. Being writers, they've apparently produced a whole line of depressing, soul-crushing fortunes that have diners shaking their heads and looking at each other in alarm.

Good. There are few things more annoying in life than getting Chinese food and then discovering the fortune in the fortune cookie is stupid. (One of these things is getting Chinese food and finding out the chefs used MSG, but that's a whole other story entirely). The worst of it comes when you crack open a fortune cookie and discover some aggravating message such as, "You are wise and harmonious." Of course I am, dammit; give me a fortune. The last thing I need from a fortune cookie is silly self-help balderdash or useless platitudes telling me to better serve my fellow man. What am I, some kind of Communist? Give me a fortune. Is the market going to go up? Is the price of pork bellies going to crash on Thursday? That's the type of stuff I want and need to know.

Along those lines, if the fortune cookie tells me I'm about to get hit by a bus, or my portfolio is going to crash, that's good stuff. I may not want to hear these things, but at least it's a fortune and not some damnfool nonsense about my surprising optimism. If the writing team can't figure this out, I would ask the good people at Wonton Food Inc. to actually go out and hire a fortune teller, who should be adept at offering actual fortunes -- no matter how silly or ridiculous -- for $5 a shot. For the people have spoken, and we demand real fortunes.

They can keep the cookie recipe the same, though. I don't think anyone actually eats the fortune cookies. They're kind of like those shrimp chip things -- you know they're edible, but even still, you don't really want to go there, if you know what I'm saying.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 17, 2007 09:58 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Ben, Ben, Ben. If the Wonton Food Inc. people hire fortune tellers to input real fortunes at $5 per cookie, who do you think is going to eat that cost? The restaurants, who would then pass it on to us. I'm not paying no $5 for a fortune that may or may not be applicable to me. I mean, what if my sister grabs the cookie before me and gets MY fortune? No thanks.

More likely, the notoriously financially-wise Chinese restaurant owners would simply stop purchasing fortune cookies, and then the tradition would cease to exist. And then we wouldn't get a crappy sugar cookie at the end of our meal. And you wouldn't want THAT now, would you?

No, the best solution is to hire CHEAP UNDOCUMENTED MEXICAN DAY PSYCHICS to give us our fortunes. Then we could still get fortunes, but for massive savings on the dollar. Awesome!

Posted by: Matt at October 19, 2007 09:49 AM
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