September 26, 2007

The Patriots Fans Stole My Hines Ward Car Magnet

YOU KNOW, I was willing to overlook the Patriots' Spygate scandal. I was willing to overlook the fact that the Patriots play in an absurdly easy division. I was willing to overlook the fact Pariots Coach Bill Belichick is an arrogant schmuck who may or may not be a homewrecker. But I have now been pushed too far.

You see, I think the Patriots fans stole my Hines Ward car magnet.

At least, that's the most probable reason why my Hines Ward car magnet -- which rhetorically asked those who viewed it whether they had everyone's favorite wide receiver on their team -- suddenly disappeared from my vehicle's exterior.

After all, consider that this magnet survived a journey through the home turf of the Cleveland Browns, the Detroit Lions, the Chicago Bears, the Indianapolis Colts, the Tennessee Titans, the Atlanta Falcons, the Carolina Panthers, the Washington Redskins, the Philadelphia Eagles, the New York Giants and the New York Jets without going missing. Consider that this magnet has survived several car washes, torrential downpours, and various other natural and man-made phenomena. Consider that this magnet only went missing after the Pittsburgh Steelers have gone 3-0, and consider that I live in the heart of Patriots Nation. So while it is possible that a Patriots fan was not actually responsible for the disappearance of my car magnet, it is certainly not a probable outcome.

Thus, I am disappointed beyond words and outraged that some degenerate would go so far as to remove a decal from another man's automobile. You just don't do that. It's wrong. It's criminal. It's the most anti-social act I've ever seen. Well, OK, it isn't, but you get my point. That decal cost me ... well, OK, a few minutes' pay. But still -- it's not like I can just saunter over to a great Steelers gift shop, like the one they had in Breezewood, Pa., and pick up a new one.

In this file photo, Mr Ward bests the Patriots' secondary yet again.

I just don't understand it. I mean, why would a football fan vandalize another football fan's automobile? What kind of people are these up here? Nothing like this would ever happen back home, where people recognize the values of fair play, good sportsmanship, and that messing with another man's car is a good way to get yourself beaten to a bloody pulp. Of course, I realize the magnet may actually just have fallen off, or fallen prey to some physical force I didn't notice, and if I learn that's the case I will of course apologize to Patriots Nation for this anguished post. But I think somebody just swiped the thing.

As I said, I'm incredibly disappointed. Patriots fans, for all their faults, are generally nice and classy people who aren't jerks. Did not one of my best friends, a Patriots fan to the core, actually send me a Terrible Towel when he was in Pittsburgh? Yes, he did. But it seems that lately I am experiencing the dark side of Patriots fandom and I do not like it one bit.

So I must respond in the only way I know how -- becoming an even more fanatical booster of my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers, while also generally rooting for the Patriots to lose, unless they're playing one of the Steelers' not-Cleveland divisional opponents. Oh, and now I'm looking forward even more to Dec. 9, when the Steelers march into New England to exact revenge for the losses of years past. It shall be glorious.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 26, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack
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