September 10, 2007

Report: New England Patriots Dirty Cheating Scoundrels

WELL! IT LOOKS LIKE the New England Patriots may have been adding nitro to the tank!

According to no less a source than the Boston Herald, the Patriots have been accused of stealing signals during their game on Sunday with the New York Jets. But here's the thing -- it apparently wasn't a one-time deal. The Herald also reports the Green Bay Packers AND the Detroit Lions caught them doing the same thing last year.

I am shocked and appalled at these reports. Not because the Patriots were allegedly stealing signals, of course: that's the type of sneaky, underhanded move that one would expect from the team. But as one commenter on the Herald's Web site has already said: why would they steal signals from the Jets, the Packers and the Lions? I mean, my God. That's just embarrassing. It's not like they were stealing signals from teams who they would have trouble beating.

According to the Herald report, the Pats could lose a draft pick if the league's competition committee decides to sanction them for the infraction. But many questions remain unanswered. Here's a list of questions and thoughts I have about the matter:

* Does this mean we have to stop making fun of Mike Holmgren for always shielding his mouth with the playchart? Because he's looking really smart right now.

* Does this mean we can stop listening to broadcasters praising Bill Belichick as if he's some kind of mad genius? I mean, if this report is true, then one can argue Mad Genius Hobo Coach and his staff have had some help along the way, just like one of those old lifelike chess-playing machines that actually had some chess master hidden inside making the moves.

* I have to admit, I always thought the Oakland Raiders would have gotten caught first at doing something like this. For their part, Raiders fans are probably wondering why Al Davis hasn't ordered this set-up for every game at McAfee Coliseum.

* The Steelers play the Patriots in Foxboro on Dec. 9. Does this mean Steelers offensive coordinator Bruce Arians will incorporate plenty of weird gadget plays into the mix? Even if the Pats did steal our signals, they'd still have a hell of a time defending against a crazy double-reverse bomb to the post.

* This should prove a nice black eye for the Patriots as they go through the season, and should result in even more opprobrium and disgust directed their way from the rest of the league. I can dig it.

* A memo to Chris Weinkopf: Ha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHA!

* Can the league pass some sort of special dispensation allowing the Cleveland Browns to steal their opponents' play calls and signals? They clearly need some sort of extra boost, and a boost more powerful than they can get from Brady Quinn. Their opponents could call the plays, a Cleveland front-office guy could then signal over to the Browns' sideline using semaphore flags, and the Browns could react accordingly. I mean, that way, at least they'd have a fighting chance.

Anyway, I'm sure we'll figure out in the end just what exactly happened. In the meantime, though, I think Patriots fans should be ashamed and humiliated at the very idea their team would do such a thing. I mean, the Steelers would never ever do something like this, because Mr Rooney would not have approved. And even if the Steelers HAVE, at least they're not dumb enough to get caught!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 10, 2007 06:10 PM | TrackBack
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