April 23, 2007

If Knowing Is Half the Battle ...

... THEN NOT STUPIDLY TEMPTING FATE must be the other half.

At least, that's the conclusion I draw from this recent article in The Times of London, about which the headline says a lot: Catapult boy is eaten after taunting crocodile in pen.

Well, that leads us to The Rant's Post-Commercial Pre-Credits Moral Lesson of the Week for Kids!

Last week, of course, we learned about why you should never get involved in the Japanese yen carry trade unless you're under proper adult supervision. And then, the week before, we learned about how being irresponsible caused Shipwreck to spend months having his life turned upside-down by the Office of Naval Intelligence.

This week, kids, we've got another Important Safety Tip for you! When you're out "hanging" with your friends, don't break into your local zoo and taunt the angry wild animals with slingshots and sticks. The angry wild animals do not see you as the troublemaking yet lovable young urchins you are. Instead, they see you as steak tartare.

Plus, you don't want to end up as that One Kid From School Who Died in a Horrible Accident. Like that one guy I knew back in seventh grade who was on the wrong end of a truck-skateboarder accident when I was on vacation, and ended up getting buried out in Kalamazoo's Mount Ever-Rest Cemetery. What's that? No, I'm not kidding, they actually called it that. I mean, Christ, can you imagine the indignity of it?

Anyway -- now you know, knowing is half the battle, and The Rant has now satisfied its FCC quota for providing family-friendly content. And now, these messages!*


* Buy more! Buy more now!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at April 23, 2007 09:48 PM | TrackBack
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