April 13, 2007

An Open Letter to That Guy in the Sedan

TO: That Guy Leaving the Mall of New Hampshire
About 9:30 A.M. in the Tan Toyota Sedan (yes, you)

FR: Benjamin Kepple

RE: Badassery


Dear Sir,

As a fellow motorist, I couldn't help notice your vehicle as I left the Mall of New Hampshire this morning. It is rare that one sees such an awesome display of cluelessness and braggadocio in the same instant, and the image of your vehicle was burned into my mind as I left the plaza. To spare you public embarrassment, I have redacted the numbers of your license plate from this post, but you should be aware this will not stop others who see you out from pointing and snickering in your general direction. You should also be aware your profane rear-window display does not, in fact, proclaim the message you are trying to get across.

Generally speaking, someone who is a badass does not need to proclaim this with a profane rear-window display. Rather, a badass person will engage in badass conduct, such as flagrantly violating municipal ordinances, drinking before noontime and smuggling cigarettes up from North Carolina. However, in the rare event a badass person would want to deface his vehicle with a giant, off-center rear window display, he would damn well make sure he spelled every word right.

You see, sir, proclaiming yourself the "badest bitch," as you put it, does not cause others to consider you a tough guy. Rather, you look like an ill-educated high school dropout -- a yutz, a schlemiel, a schnook so gullible you make Kevin Federline look like F. A. Hayek. In short, you do not come off as a bad moth--

But anyway. All that was bad enough, but your car made it even worse. You were driving what looked like a Camry or a Corolla. To be perfectly blunt, I haven't seen anything so pathetic since back in '79, when Carter got attacked by that swamp rabbit. I mean, are you kidding me?

Let's review for a moment the folks who drive Toyotas. Oh, that's right. Soccer moms, mid-level managers, couples with dual incomes and three kids who are well on their way to joining the upper middle class. Notice how this group does not include "young people who desperately want to appear like tough guys." Crikey. Go out and buy a Mustang or something.

What's that? No, I'm serious. If you really have such little self-confidence that you must proclaim yourself a badass with a window decal, you may as well go out and buy a car with at least a little bit of backbone, or flair, or whatever you want to call it. But make sure your decals are spelled right this time around.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at April 13, 2007 09:44 AM | TrackBack
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