February 18, 2007

And They'll Never Have That Recipe Again

It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...

An occasional Rant feature

WHILE RESEARCHING an earlier post about bad disco songs from the Seventies, I stumbled across some interesting information about Donna Summers' infamous 1978 rendition of "MacArthur Park." Many people have made fun of it for its nonsensical lyrics, which famouly discuss the inconsiderate antics of a buffoon who leaves a cake out in the rain. The loss of the cake, as readers will recall, sends the song's singer into hysterics and despair.

Much to my surprise, though, the clumsy and stupid analogies used in these lyrics actually referred to romantic love. Like most reasonable people, I had simply assumed that leaving "the cake out in the rain" referred to a narcotics bust, in which a sizable quantity of methamphetamine was abandoned in hopes of escaping the police. How else to explain the singer's wailing over the cake, for which she would never again have the recipe, written as it was on flash paper and fast-food napkins? But as it turned out, I was wrong.

Romantic love has been on the minds of many people arriving here at The Rant this month, due to the high profile of the Valentine's Day holiday. It's safe to say that many of them, based on their incoherent and downright weird searches, will never have that recipe again. Yes, these sad and desperate individuals are almost certainly sleeping out on the sofa due to their mistakes. But without further ado, let's start the show:

QUERY: sweet love is the answer

ANSWER: That might be so, but it's still not going to solve Venezuela's inflation crisis or its confiscatory scheme of price controls for basic staples.

QUERY: how is poverty bad?

ANSWER: As a famous philosopher, Young MC, once said: "Got no money and you got no car -- then you got no woman, and there you are."

QUERY: eugene oregon cheap romantic outings

ANSWER: Ah, Eugene! I once spent a weekend in Eugene. It rained the entire time, though, so I didn't really get to experience much. Then again, maybe I did.

Anyway, the good news is that you're in Eugene. As a result, there's an extremely good chance you're a college student and/or dating a college student. There's also an extremely good chance you or your date: a) has a thing for patchouli; b) has an unhealthy interest in the outdoors; c) is on some weird organic/macrobiotic diet; and/or d) believes in economic theories which make Hugo Chavez look innovative.

These parameters will almost certainly mean you'll be able to cut corners somewhere along the line, particularly if you can argue that buying flowers oppresses Third World families and drinking expensive wines would mean further oppressing farm workers. And if that fails, remember, they could be tainted with pesticides! Before you know it, your date could be downright happy with a whole-wheat spinach and hummus wrap from some vegetarian place.

Of course, I said could. The far better idea would be not to be cheap in the first place. Flowers are always a good bet, particularly because buying them from a local florist helps strengthen one's local economy. Oddly, there are no local alternative currencies trading in Eugene -- you'd think Eugene of all places would have one -- but it's the thought that counts.

QUERY: burger king commercial crossanwich french things

ANSWER: Now look. The Croissan'wich IS NOT FRENCH. The Croissan'wich -- and its cousins, the Double Croissan'wich and the Enormous Omelet Sandwich -- are products devised to sate the morning hunger of Americans in as little as one minute. They are not designed for gourmet consumption, for lingering over a cup of coffee with. They are designed to deliver meat and cheese, and meat and cheese, quickly and competently.

Also, those who would serve their Valentine croissanwiches are engaging in conduct just as creepy as the Burger King ... um ... King mascot. Creepy is not cool.

QUERY: I want my wife to wear more revealing clothes

ANSWER: So you want your -- wait, you want what? OK. Um. OK. Well, I have no idea HOW to answer this, but I suppose you could address it in one of two ways. First, you could just ask. Second, you could just buy your wife the revealing clothing and suggest she wear it to, I don't know, the office St. Patrick's Day party or something. I have no idea how this would turn out, and for all I know you'd get slapped for it, but -- well, let's move on.

QUERY: eharmony disasters

ANSWER: Well, how about its commercials, with that loathesome fuckwit spokesman eHarmony had? What's that? I don't care if he founded the company. He's as irritating as that guy in the Bob's Discount Furniture ads. Well, actually, he's even more irritating. I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm going to trust the guy who tells people up front he'll charge them for furniture delivery, rather than the guy telling them he'll find people happiness.

QUERY: wedding registry and upper middle class

ANSWER: Crate and Barrel! Williams-Sonoma! Restoration Hardware! Hell, anyplace that throws around words like "premium" and "upgrade" will work. (For an excellent look at these types of things, The Rant would refer readers to Silverstein and Fiske's "Trading Up: Why Consumers Want New Luxury Goods and How Companies Create Them." I got these examples off page 62.)

QUERY: britney spears a good role model

ANSWER: Oh, God, I can't believe people are still asking this. NO.

QUERY: did wilbanks and mason get married?

ANSWER: Oh, God, I can't believe people are still asking this. NO.

QUERY: tent with all the names of past lovers on it

ANSWER: The tent with all the names of an artist's past lovers painted on it, which the decadent English art world actually proclaimed an important work, may sadly have been destroyed in a 2004 fire. I do not know for sure; but in any event The Rant would offer its condolences to the art's insurer.

QUERY: lyrics she said she'd like to score some reefer and a 40

ANSWER: Ah, that would be Bowling for Soup's "Girl All the Bad Guys Want." The Rant would like to offer its condolences to the young man who entered this search string, as he is undoubtedly trying and failing to impress the girl all the bad guys want. (Confidence, my son, is good).

QUERY: southeastern michigan and honeymoon suite

ANSWER: Ooh. I haven't the foggiest on this one. But the Atheneum in Detroit might work. So might the Townsend Hotel in Birmingham.

QUERY: christian meaning of sayings on valentine conversation heart candy

ANSWER: I don't think they had theology matters in mind when they dreamed up those things.

QUERY: intentional tort damages kick groin

ANSWER: Well, not knowing anything else about the case, I suppose I'd have to say a reasonable award would be ten million dollars. Plus $100 for me, because I winced at the very thought of the searcher getting kicked in the groin, and I think men everywhere can agree that should be actionable too.

QUERY: someone left a cake out in the rain

ANSWER: Yes, someone left a cake out in the rain. But the good news is that the cake CAN be made again, through mixing generous portions of humility, fidelity, and tender loving care. For this recipe WAS sanctioned through the letter of PAUL to the ILLYRIANS, and Paul SAID to those who would chastise him, "You trying to flex on me? Don't be silly."

Well, that's it for this edition of YOUR SEARCH ENGINE QUERIES ANSWERED! Tune in next time for answers dealing with health issues, financial matters and the lameness of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, who despite his Super Bowl victory still stinks. Until then!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at February 18, 2007 09:06 PM | TrackBack
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