February 01, 2007

As Romantic as a New Iron

THERE ARE FEW THINGS in life more certain to bring doom upon a man than screwing up what should be a romantic occasion. The botched Christmas gift, the ill-conceived birthday dinner, the cheap anniversary celebration -- all will result in disaster for the unthinking man who didn't properly plan ahead. Furthermore, the consequences he will suffer shall prove severe and long-lasting. At the least, the man's ineptitude will end up becoming a frequent inside joke for the rest of his natural days. At the worst, the man will wake up alone the next morning.

Folks, the White Castle Management Co. has perhaps come up with the most surefire way yet to ensure that on Feb. 15, men across America will wake up suddenly unloved and alone. Consider the scheme the company is about to unleash upon the unsuspecting American people:

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Make your Valentine’s day STEAMY! Take your Valentine to White Castle on Wednesday, February 14 between 5 and 8 p.m. and enjoy hostess seating, candlelit dining and your own server. Reservations are required, so check the list below for participating Castles near you!

Special this year, you can also treat your honey to a romantic White Castle dinner in your home! Cupid’s Crave Kits include eight cheeseburgers, one sack of fries, two regular soft drinks, coupons and keepsake items to heat up your homespun romance. Now, ain’t that sweet?

For more information or to make a Cupid’s Crave Kit reservation, call the phone number listed for the your city of choice below.*

* Cupid’s Crave Kits are not available at all locations. Reservations are required.

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(blink)(blink) k wtf?

Oops! Did I actually type that? Sorry. Anyway, words simply can't express the shock and horror which entered my mind upon seeing this. I mean, my God. There are so many things fundamentally wrong with this promotion I almost don't know where to begin.

We can start, though, with the premise a Valentine's Day meal at White Castle will lead to "STEAMY!" behavior at some point afterwards. Dear readers, I don't know about you, but the last thing I feel after eating at White Castle is amorous. Bloated, yes; tired out, yes; nauseous; sometimes; passionate, no. After a full meal at White Castle, it's hard enough to move from those plastic chairs and booths, so it would seem impossible for any human being to then embark on a good bit of naughtiness.

Also, while I suppose "hostess seating," "candlelit dining" and "your own server" could allegedly be considered improvements over the typical White Castle dining experience, I suspect these things won't work out as well as one might hope. Consider this reasonable scenario:

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FEMALE SERVER: Hi, and welcome to White Castle -- ma'am, I am so sorry.
UNLUCKY WOMAN: (sniffling)
SERVER: May I take your order?
MAN: Yes! I'll have ... let's see ... a crave case of cheeseburgers, three orders of chicken rings, and a diet soda.
UNLUCKY WOMAN: (sniffling) I'm not hungry.
MAN: But you always order a fish sandwich when we come here.
SERVER: Ma'am, there are extra napkins to your left there, and I'll be right back with some wetnaps.
MAN: Oh! That reminds me! Throw some chicken sandwiches on there too!

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It's also worth noting the order size for the "Cupid's Crave Kit" White Castle is offering on the "special day." Those who have eaten at White Castle, and are familiar with the tiny size of their "slyders," will know eight cheeseburgers isn't the giant order it might seem. In fact, I daresay some readers looked at that list of eight burgers, one sack of fries and two drinks and thought, "Well, yeah, but what is she going to have?"

Of course, I write as one who only eats at White Castle perhaps once a year, which is perhaps about as much as one ought. That said, I would suggest if a man had to choose a day of the year to visit White Castle, Feb. 14 would not be it. Further, I would suggest those men considering a White Castle trip that day might want to reconsider the benefits of other foods -- like wine and oysters and chocolate.

(via Jess @ Blind Cavefish)

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at February 1, 2007 11:39 PM | TrackBack
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