October 28, 2006

An Event So Spooky, Even Fred Jones Would Tremble in Fear

Oh No!
It’s Time for Yet Another Edition of …

An occasional Rant feature

HALLOWEEN APPROACHES. How I remember its glory and majesty during the halcyon days of my youth! The excitement as the afternoon waned, the fun of carving pumpkins and dressing in costume, the joy of acquiring what seemed like an unlimited amount of sweets – how could any child forget that? Halloween has captured the imagination of so many that I could never do justice to their experiences, although I am certain Ray Bradbury has done so.

Of course, like so many of the antagonists in Bradbury’s stories, I have grown cynical and curmudgeonly. Yet even as I pore over account books and economic histories, my sense of wonder and imagination still has a spark of life about it. And I can assure you that upon reading my search engine queries recently, that spark has grown into a blazing fire, for there are few things as scary as my search engine logs.

I’m serious. The Rant’s search engine logs these past few weeks are so incredibly scary, I’m half-expecting the Harlem Globetrotters to show up as special guests for this post. That’s how alarming the searches are – generally speaking, of course.

I actually got many interesting and pleasing queries, which showed many of those arrving here via search engine were erudite, refined individuals with inquisitive minds. Then there were the people looking for information about the runaway bride lady and alpaca investment fraud and Peyton Manning. These latter folks brought to mind Mencken’s old quip about democracy: that the people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

Before we delve into the deeper recesses of The Rant’s search logs, though, I do want to note one alarming statistic I discovered from analyzing my site reports. This has to do with my earlier post in which I condemned the Molson Coors Brewing Co., its advertising agency and light beer which tastes like paint thinner. In this post, I had condemned a recent advertising campaign the brewer has been running ad nauseum for the past several weeks. Much to my surprise and dismay, however, nearly everyone else seems to like it, based on my site-search statistics. Consider this breakdown:

Searches based on “coors light bill walsh”
or related language: roughly 550

Searches based on “coors light commercials annoying”: 1

From this, I’ve concluded what any reasonable person would given such a result: that all matters relating to cultural standards, and perhaps even governance and public policy, ought be the sole province of me and my friends. Dammit.

Anyway, let’s get to the queries, because God knows we wouldn’t want to disappoint the drunken legions of light-beer swilling sociopaths with an alarming fondness for loser quarterbacks who crack under pressure and unfairly disparage their offensive lines.

QUERY: peyton manning mustache picture

ANSWER: Oh, God, it’s started already. I can only hope the Colts start losing games, or at least lose early again in the postseason, because you know we’re going to get bombarded with the inevitable “Will Peyton finally get a Super Bowl ring?” storyline this year.

Folks, if that actually happens and the Colts make it into the Super Bowl, I may just violate convention and root for the NFC squad – even if that team is Dallas. Hell, especially if that team is Dallas. If Terrell Owens actually gets a Super Bowl ring, it will cause several ESPN football commentators’ heads to explode, thus raising the possibility ESPN would hire commentators I could stand. Please, ESPN, for the love of God, fire Joe Theismann.

QUERY: what does quieres mean?

ANSWER: “Quieres” is a form of the Spanish verb “to want,” and this form, the informal “tu” form, means “You want.” One would use this in the phrase, “Que quieres?” which literally translated is “What do you want?” Of course, if you use the “tu” form of the verb, and you use it with the wrong person, you will be seen as a rude upstart who should be beaten about the head and neck. Use the “usted” (you, formal) form instead, and you will be seen as a man of character and refinement.

QUERY: what does cause celebrite mean?

ANSWER: I’m assuming it means “cause which results in a celebrity increasing his or her Q factor or other theoretically bankable trait.”

QUERY: what does the word laviscous mean?

ANSWER: This refers to thermal viscosity breakdown in your car’s engine.

QUERY: french for creepy croissanwich burger king commercial

ANSWER: Dude, “creepy croissanwich burger king commercial” needs no translation, for watching those commercials results in a universal experience of uneasiness and dread. There’s something wrong with the creepy Burger King mascot with the plastic mask, yet no one really knows what or why.

QUERY: rosie o donnell pleather

ANSWER: Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m scared.

QUERY: hideous chaos

ANSWER: Yeah, but the Oakland Raiders actually won on Sunday.

QUERY: 1970s corporate dress codes

ANSWER: Based on my analysis of Seventies-era culture, I’ve discerned the following rules: 1. Lapels which injure others, or knock over precious goods -- such as one’s small presentoir of cocaine -- are right out. 2. See point one.

QUERY: being sued by neighbor

ANSWER: Ooooooh. That’s gotta suck. Well, if your neighbor has gone so far as to pursue a civil action in a court of law, I would advise getting a very good lawyer and defending yourself vigorously.

QUERY: can a landlord refuse to rent to a 55 year old?

ANSWER: If a landlord is refusing to rent to a 55-year-old, I’m assuming he has a damned good reason for doing so.

QUERY: winning a car how much taxes do i owe

ANSWER: If you’ve won a car, you should receive from the agency handling the contest or giveaway an income tax form detailing the retail value of the vehicle. For instance, if you won a car worth $20,000, that $20,000 would count as income; you would thus owe tax on the $20,000 in whatever bracket(s) you find youself. If all the income were to fall in the 25 pc bracket, that would be $5,000. Congratulations!

QUERY: tab energy drinks dangers

ANSWER: Drinking Tab energy drink may cause light perspiration, extreme instances of polyuria and an affinity for those goddamned tortoise-shell sunglasses that should have gone out with the early Eighties.

QUERY: how to be swell

QUERY: clip from john belushi samurai on saturday night live

It’s like I have these things at my fingertips or something. Pardon the Turkish subtitles. Also, I don't know how long that clip will last, but hey.

QUERY: illinois football is classless

ANSWER: Well, as Coach Zook said, the program’s learning how to win. If you ask me, that’s a humble enough statement to win some style points. Besides, it’s not like Illinois went and desecrated the field at a school with a decent football program.

QUERY: did notre dame plant the flag at msu


QUERY: upscale americana diners irony

ANSWER: Isn’t that the equivalent of saying – oh, let’s say, cassoulet -- is ironic? That’s a bit … actually, that’s a pretty damn good thesis idea! “The irony of cassoulet in early 20th century French cuisine, and its relation to the development of mime artistry.” Go to it, kids!

QUERY: must quit smoking and wear pajamas to bed

ANSWER: Domestication. Awful thing, really.

QUERY: commodification taco bell

ANSWER: Yeah, if there’s any chain that has reduced the idea of food consumption to its logical terminus as a cheap, calorie delivery vehicle, it’s Taco Bell.

QUERY: my power window is stuck down taurus

ANSWER: It’s probably your window motor. That’ll be $250.

QUERY: what is the difference between high and low end vodka

ANSWER: What you pay for the stuff, of course. Go for the cheap stuff, particularly if you’re going to mix it with something twee and fashionable. Of course, you could always drink a decent and God-fearing drink, like gin. Mmmmm. Gin.

QUERY: how well does eharmony work

ANSWER: I wouldn’t know. The mere mention of the word “eHarmony” reminds me of that annoying scoundrel who appears in its television commercials, and as such sends me into apoplectic shock. Why you had to bring this up, I don’t know, but I must severely chastise you for doing so.

QUERY: eharmony dating disaster

ANSWER: Oh! Well. There we have it.

QUERY: suing a blogger

ANSWER: This is a really, really, really bad idea. Particularly because you’ll be exposed to ridicule from the blogger and all of his friends and compatriots from now until the next time the Cubs win the World Series.

QUERY: drawn and quartered

ANSWER: And they were the lucky ones.

QUERY: how much to build servants quarters or guest house

ANSWER: I have absolutely no idea. But if you’re considering servants’ quarters or a guest house, why would you really need to know how much it cost?

QUERY: vegetarianism gall bladder trouble

ANSWER: Peppers always gave me hell when I was having my gall bladder issues. Try avoiding them.

QUERY: sunset time in winter in kalamazoo

ANSWER: About five o’clock. But that’s not what will get to you, oh no. It will be the 9 a.m. sunrises that’ll get to you. You think I’m kidding!

QUERY: hourglass in 700 club news report

ANSWER: This refers to the projected end of the world, which is set to take place on October 12, 2019, or when the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl, whichever comes first.

QUERY: in the state of kentucky does the woman have to return the engagement ring to the man if the marriage does not occur?

ANSWER: In the state of Kentucky, the last thing the man should be worried about is getting his engagement ring back.

QUERY: film critic employment statistics

ANSWER: Generally speaking, this comes down to questions such as, “Are you Roger Ebert?”

QUERY: did the tulip mania really take place

ANSWER: Of course it did! My God, what a question!

QUERY: nauseous dating women

ANSWER: Well, that can’t be good! Perhaps some anxiety medicine might help. Barring that, consider watching more college football.

QUERY: top ten reasons for dating a journalist

ANSWER: Someone’s managed to come up with TEN? Boy, I – oops. Uh, I mean, it’s understandable one would look for the top reasons to date a journalist, given there are so many good reasons, such as our incredible knowledge of a city’s top restaurants, for instance. Yeah. That sounds about right.

Anyway, that’s it for this special spooky edition of “Your Search Engine Queries Answered.” Next time, we’ll discuss important topics such as … why the creepy Burger King commercial guy is standing next to my desk with a croissanwich upon a silver platter. Jesus God help me!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 28, 2006 09:34 AM | TrackBack
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