September 22, 2006

All Right, Let's Get Back to Work!

Oh No!
It’s Time for Yet Another Edition of …

An occasional Rant feature

AH, THE FALL. Here at The Rant, autumn is a time for celebration. It heralds the arrival of crisp, cool days and football season. It allows me to relax a bit from the hectic summer and prepare for the months ahead. It is also a good time for me to go on vacation.

While vacations are nice, they can generate a bit of a backlog when one returns. Such is the case with The Rant’s stockpile of search-engine queries, which have been piling up over the past several weeks. Idiocy from all corners of the globe manifests itself in these strange and often degenerate requests, which stand as depressing testament to the sloth, avarice and pettiness one so frequently encounters in life. I mean, my God, what kind of loser would do a search for “brent musburger women’s lingerie,” as one deranged visitor to The Rant did? What kind of ignoramus would actually inquire as to when earthquake season came around on the calendar?

Well, probably the same type of silly people who posed the following search-engine queries, which led them here to The Rant. But we’ve got two months of searches to plow through, so let’s get to work.

QUERY: eharmony dating disaster

ANSWER: Well, that’s no surprise, considering that schlub who founded it – the guy with the three first names – and his annoying television commercials. I swear, watching those things makes me glad I’m single and free.

QUERY: dating service business risk of getting sued

ANSWER: As much as any other business, which is to say considerable. Actually, I’m surprised we haven’t seen more lawsuits related to dating services.

QUERY: gilbert gottfried eharmony

ANSWER: Oh my God.

QUERY: fiancee doesn t respect me

ANSWER: That’s really not cool, and if she doesn’t respect you during your engagement, there seems little to suggest she’s going to suddenly change her ways once you’ve been married. Consider having a good long talk about the issue, because it needs to be resolved before you get hitched.

QUERY: thus the term soul mate has a surprising twist that goes beyond romantic partners. soul mates may very well be those we know as friends or family and are important to our quest to learn the life lessons we need to know

ANSWER: Oh, shut up.

QUERY: need see sex have no credit

ANSWER: God, that's pathetic.

QUERY: women in love are weird

ANSWER: ANYONE in love is weird. Love is like cocaine for the soul.

QUERY: bumper car sticker that says if people would consider the power of love instead of the love of power

ANSWER: If that’d been the case a few decades ago, I’d be writing in Russian.

QUERY: why do men loosen their ties

ANSWER: We’re uncomfortable and our necks need to breathe. Also, it looks vaguely raffish and as such charming.

QUERY: the musician bjork attacked a reporter who simply extended a greeting at the airport

ANSWER: Well, that’s reason enough, isn’t it?

QUERY: rights of smokers at work

ANSWER: That would be none, unless you work at an office where prevailing work conditions don’t change due to fashion. You should quit smoking anyway.

QUERY: refused drug test at work fired

ANSWER: What, were you expecting a prize?

QUERY: raising and investing in alpacas risks and cautions

ANSWER: They’re frickin’ alpacas, for God’s sake. Alpacas! Why in the name of God would you invest in alpacas when you could invest in something like the S&P 500? It’s not just the financial benefits, either -- the S&P 500 doesn’t need to be fed and sheared regularly.

QUERY: requirement for coffee and tea supervisor of restaurant

ANSWER: Well, being able to boil water might be a good start.

QUERY: tipping hotel housekeepers

ANSWER: At least $1 a day, and more if you make a mess of the place. The hotel will leave envelopes for this purpose. Actually, I’ve found that tipping the housekeeping staff is a great way to get rid of change one doesn’t want to lug around. Just make sure you leave at least one $1 bill, make the tip a few bucks if you use this tactic, and only use it if you’re staying for one night. Remember, the housekeeping staff make little money and are oftentimes immigrants, so you should tip freely and generously.

QUERY: how much taxes are owed when winning a car

ANSWER: If you win a car, you will be provided with appropriate tax documentation which will show the market valuation of the car you won. You must pay ordinary income tax on this amount. As such, if you are in the 25 pc bracket, you would have to pay 25 pc of the car’s value in tax. Which still isn’t a bad deal.

QUERY: in what scripture in the bile would you find a fool and his money is soon parted?

ANSWER: Barnum 23:15.

QUERY: what to do when you get sued for selling conterfeit

ANSWER: Well, you could pay the plaintiff the money you owe him for selling counterfeit goods, which is a hideous economic crime.

QUERY: stop neighbors from stealing newspaper

ANSWER: Pepper spray may work.

QUERY: mansion rentals for sweet sixteens in the los angeles area

ANSWER: When you eventually retire, and you find that you’re cutting your medicines in half and eating cat food near the end of the month because you haven’t saved enough money, don’t frickin’ turn to me to bail you out. Christ. That said, in the event you are perfectly prepared for retirement, what the hell kind of message are you sending to your children with this ridiculously extravagant display?

QUERY: when are you too old to buy an annunity

ANSWER: Well, I don’t think one is ever too old to buy an annuity, at least from the insurance industry’s perspective! That said, there are financial and actuarial considerations to take into account. If one is 80 years old, for instance, there’s a real risk one may not get much use out of the annuity, and should perhaps instead draw down the cash one has. But talk it over with your financial advisor.

QUERY: stomping shoes upstairs neighbors complaints police

ANSWER: Surely the police don’t have to be involved in this. Talk with your neighbors first and if that fails, your landlord or condominium association. Then call the cops if you really must.

QUERY: why is serenading your girlfriend in kalamazoo michigan prohibited?

ANSWER: Because the God-fearing people of Kalamazoo have had enough of this “love” and “harmony” crap.

QUERY: in the early 1990s how many americans were drinking coca-cola for breakfast?

ANSWER: About 37 million.

QUERY: analyzing popular culture paris hilton

ANSWER: I have to admit I find the whole Paris Hilton phenomenon baffling on so many levels, although it does prove the entertainment industry’s grand marketing machine can create a “star” out of whole cloth.

QUERY: barbara tuchman great historian

ANSWER: Yes! Buy any and all of her books. You will not be disappointed.

QUERY: does manitoba allow public nudity?

ANSWER: Last time I checked, Manitoba wasn’t the place one wanted to engage in that type of conduct.

QUERY: manchester weather december

ANSWER: Cold. Hell, it was 40 degrees here last night.

QUERY: lions fans despise ford

ANSWER: Can you blame them? Thanks to the Ford family, it will be years before the Lions even get close to “testing the waters of greatness,” much less make it to the big dance.

QUERY: continuity in coaching pittsburgh steelers

ANSWER: That’s the neat thing about the Steelers – they keep their coaches no matter what. That’s part of the team’s Old School Charm which makes it so popular.

QUERY: steelers the true america s team

ANSWER: Well, it sure ain’t Dallas!

QUERY: steelers coach yelling

ANSWER: Did you see the game at Jacksonville? That had some good video of Coach Cowher dishing it out!

QUERY: did notre dame plant the flag at msu

ANSWER: We’ll find out tomorrow!

QUERY: college football commentators hate ohio state

ANSWER: Oh, come on. Everyone knows they hate Michigan.

QUERY: ohio state fire riots football

ANSWER: That’s the type of behavior one would expect out of Columbus!

QUERY: i hate peyton manning

ANSWER: That’s an entirely understandable reaction. After all, as my good friend Chris has noted, the commercials in which Peyton Manning has starred tend to make fun of average people and their everyday routines. Also, Peyton cracks under pressue and blames his offensive line for his own mistakes. The good news, though, is that one can usually watch large linebackers “sign Peyton’s melon” on Sundays.

QUERY: funny super bowl commercials band attacked

ANSWER: Ask, and ye shall receive! I love this:

Think of this as a reward for getting this far!

QUERY: why the sky is blue

ANSWER: What the hell kind of crazy question is that? How should I know? Do I look like a scientist? It’s blue … because it’s blue. Go to a different blog – they’ll have the answer to that.

Well, that’s it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next time, after we at The Rant have had a few beers and have watched a bit of football! It’ll be especially entertaining!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 22, 2006 02:57 PM | TrackBack
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