August 03, 2006

I Am Now Even with the Bandwidth-Stealing Scoundrels

Oh No!
It’s Time for Yet Another Installment of …
YOUR SEARCH ENGINE QUERIES ANSWERED!

An occasional Rant feature

BLOGGERS ARE A naturally generous group of people. Each day, millions of people spend time and money to provide their readership with enjoyable content, and ask for nothing in return. Yet some unscrupulous scoundrels take advantage of bloggers’ good will, and hotlink images hosted on said bloggers’ Web sites.

Some may wonder, “What’s the acceptable way to deal with these bandwidth thieves, particularly since many of them are undoubtedly teenagers, and as such are sullen and hostile to established authority?”

Well, this is my take on it. I figure I can’t stop people from hotlinking images hosted here at The Rant. However, I can “accidentally” change the coding for the image in question, turning it into this:

What’s that? Yes, I do rule. It is the perfectly appropriate response. Since most of the people doing the hotlinking haven’t yet realized the late Fifties and early Sixties’ inherent coolness and nostalgia value, this image can only serve to remind them of their parents. As such, it will embarrass them in front of all their friends. Yet, it will not prove so embarrassing that it will result in any lifelong emotional trauma.

That’s pretty much what I plan to do this month with the latest edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered!, in which I provide personal responses to the many hundreds of people who arrived here via various search engines. Even though many of the queries are strange. So without further ado, here we go!

QUERY: you can t hide your briann eyes. and your smile is a thin disguise. Lyrics

ANSWER: Please, for the love of God, don’t ever agree to sing the national anthem before a major sporting event.

QUERY: eating one minute oates without cooking

ANSWER: Jesus Christ, it only takes a minute or so to cook the one-minute oats. Must you have no patience?

QUERY: what does no whammies mean?

ANSWER: The ancient cry of “No whammies!” goes part and parcel with the home-selling Sale Inoculation Process. It’s something like feng shui in reverse, except feng shui is more rational.

Basically, one hires a listing agent to package one’s home for sale, and prior to the listing being published, the agent wanders around the home screaming, “No whammies! No whammies! Stop!” If no “whammies” are detected, you’re more likely to get your asking price. However, if one’s agent finds “whammies” during the process, you’ll undoubtedly be forced to accept some cheapskate’s low-ball offer, particularly if you signed up for an adjustable-rate mortgage.

QUERY: nudist beekeepers

ANSWER: Oh dear.

QUERY: michigan state flag notre dame 2005

ANSWER: This query refers to the gauche and classless act which the Michigan State University football squad performed following its victory over the University of Notre Dame last year. The Spartans, having won the game in overtime in South Bend, Ind., proceeded to take their school’s flag and plant it in the Fighting Irish’s field.

This pathetic and miserable action came back to haunt the Spartans, as they proceeded to go 2-6 in Big Ten conference play – and as their two wins were against Illinois and Indiana, they may as well have gone 0-6. Hell, they would’ve had trouble beating the Tri-Lambs.

QUERY: ad vitam paramus

ANSWER: Say, we’re heading to New Jersey!

QUERY: the seventies sucked

ANSWER: You’ll find no argument from me on that one.

QUERY: oregon weird

ANSWER: You’ll find no argument from me on that one, either.

QUERY: californians weird

ANSWER: Um, not south of Fresno, they ain’t. OK, most of them ain't.

QUERY: dislike of californians

ANSWER: Hey, you shouldn’t dislike Californians. Californians are people just like you and me, except they often have bunches of money from stock options or the real-estate boom. Furthermore, they often can’t stand their fellow Californians, which prompts them to leave California and drive up the prices everywhere else, thus making their new home just like California. Hey, you’re from Oregon, aren’t you?

QUERY: i was a nerd in high school

ANSWER: Yeah, but I bet you did well in the Internet boom and are now dating a swimsuit model. One of the cool things about early middle age is that all the things that made you unattractive back in the day now make you attractive. Well, except for acne. And a paunch. Still, though, you get the idea.

QUERY: is king uzziah influencing christians today?

ANSWER: I think we can safely say the answer is No.

QUERY: buying vernors in nh

ANSWER: Dude, you can’t buy Vernors in New Hampshire. It’s Vernors! You have to special order it from back home. As it happens, though, you can do that here.

QUERY: why do we like reality television?

ANSWER: Beats the hell out of me! However, I have to admit I’m a bit more open to the idea of reality television than I was previously. That’s because the shows have apparently started hiring writers out of desperation to turn out product that doesn’t suck. I approve of shows hiring writers.

QUERY: men who get nauseous

ANSWER: You have so arrived at the right place.

QUERY: smoking cessation insomnia

ANSWER: Quitting smoking lessens one’s need for sleep (no, really!), so this is perfectly natural. Cut down on caffeinated beverages at night.

QUERY: is soy milk ok for sinus

ANSWER: Knock yourself out.

QUERY: moral of malaysian youth has gone from bad to worse

ANSWER: Next they’ll be wearing short-sleeved shirts!

QUERY: paris rome american cockroaches hate americans

ANSWER: I love you too, Jacques.

QUERY: hate the steelers

ANSWER: I love you too, Carson.

QUERY: how much do manchester wolfs make a year?

ANSWER: Players for the Manchester Wolves minor-league arena football team make $200 per game, with a $50 win bonus. Thus, they receive cash compensation which can range from $3,200 to $4,000 during the 16-game regular season (plus extra for playoff games, I would guess). League rules allow players to receive subsidized housing and food, but I’m not sure how much they receive.

Anyway, I’ve a post in the works about this: the economics of the league, and much about the league, are fascinating. Everyone, and I mean everyone, works like the devil.

QUERY: roth ira uk equivalent

ANSWER: As I understand it, the closest UK equivalent to the Roth IRA is an ISA (Individual Savings Account) scheme. Apparently, Chancellor Brown has not yet figured out how to tax the income, capital gains or dividends associated with this product. Thus, take advantage.

QUERY: retire without investing

ANSWER: It will be difficult to maintain the standard of life you’ve come to expect without investing. However, there may be ways you can passively invest, such as through a 401(k) plan, and let the experts handle things (for a fee). Talk with your advisor.

QUERY: when people owe me money

ANSWER: Ensure they pay.

QUERY: value of 1969 $20 bill

ANSWER: I’m guessing it would be around $20, but hey. Take it into your local coin dealer and check.

QUERY: you have just noticed in the financial pages of the local newspaper that you can buy a $1 000 par value bond for $800.

ANSWER: I have just noticed that my questioner is asking a basic finance question, undoubtedly put to him as part of a homework assignment. Go read the excellent wiki finance page on bonds, in which you can learn about the basics of bond pricing, plus nifty things like consols and Bermuda callables.

QUERY: americans negative net worth percentage

ANSWER: 15 pc or so at any given time.

QUERY: when-is-war-bad-for-the-economy

ANSWER: When-you-lose.

QUERY: what is the economic impact on consumers when people shoplift from stores

ANSWER: Simply put, it raises the price for everyone else. As such, people who shoplift from honest merchants are godless and wretched, particularly because it gives certain electronics firms an excuse to post proto-fascist goon squads at the entrances to their establishments, demanding to look inside paying customers’ bags as if said customers were felons.

QUERY: asking for the engagement ring back

ANSWER: It might be wise, before engaging on this course of action, to ensure your medical and life insurance policies are up-to-date and active.

QUERY: how to write a cease and desist letter to stop harrassment by a neighbor

ANSWER: First, you should start with a friendly greeting, such as, “Ernest, you rotten bastard.” Then, address your complaint accordingly: “If I ever catch you and your goddam German shepherd anywhere near my property again, I’ll personally cut off your reproductive organs and compost them.” Close with a proper salutation: “Also, stop trying to borrow my lawn mower, you scoundrel.”

QUERY: naughty conversation starters!

ANSWER: I don’t know about the rest of you, but I find “Let’s make out!” a perfectly fine conversation starter in the right circumstance.

QUERY: art of talking to waitress

ANSWER: Well, it’s like how things are in “The Art of Conversation,” an old short released as part of Nick-at-Nite’s “How to be Swell” public-service announcements: “First, you say something. Then, someone will say something back. Nod your head from time to time and try to look interested!”

Oh, just write your number on the receipt like everyone else. She’s busy and has 18 angry customers and Shelly called in sick and she just doesn’t have time to talk with you.

QUERY: i bring not peace but the sword source

ANSWER: Matthew 10:34

QUERY: nicotine withdrawal tingly

ANSWER: That’s your circulation improving! Or a sign your feet are falling asleep. Take precautions accordingly.

QUERY: i was discovered along santa monica s 3rd street promenade then launched april fool s day 1995. starbucks coffee company

ANSWER: As a former area resident, I’m suspicious of anything discovered along the 3rd Street Promenade. I’m doubly suspicious if it involves the Starbucks Coffee Co. Any company that can successfully convince people they should be happy to pay $4 for coffee-flavored beverages is far too powerful for its (and our) own good.

Anyway, that’s it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next time, when I address many more pressing issues of the day, such as why Peyton Manning is a candyass. See you then!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at August 3, 2006 10:10 PM | TrackBack
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