June 10, 2006

A Show With Everything But Yul Brynner

Oh No!
It’s Time for Yet Another Installment of …

An occasional Rant feature

WITH THE WORLD CUP on television this weekend, I’ve found myself in the position of needing something to do during commercial breaks, half-time shows, and those annoying breaks between matches.

For the most part, this is because I’m watching the games in Spanish, which is more fun than watching in English. You see, if I watched in English, I’d probably have to listen to some American soccer announcer. This is the soccer equivalent of listening to a European do play-by-play for an NFL game: undoubtedly correct, but not optimal. Also, listening in Spanish – GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! HOLY CHRIST! Beckham just fired that thing in from mid-field! How did he do that?! And how did the Paraguayan goalie let it go in?! Oh, now the goalie’s coming out of the game. Shame, most likely. Of course, I don’t speak Spanish fluently, but you don’t need a lot of it to follow what’s going on.

Anyway, needing something that I can write in short bursts as I go along, here’s an extra-special edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered. Today, I’ll focus on questions about love, money, sport and, of course, those weird queries that make one despair about the human condition. Subete!

QUERY: how many days in a year does it rain in manchester

ANSWER: 365.

QUERY: how much beet juice could i drink?

ANSWER: If you can drink any beet juice, you’re a stronger man than I am. That said, make sure not to drink more than four ounces at a time, as drinking too much beet juice can stain the teeth and cause psoriasis, pleurisy and sluggishness.

QUERY: minivan sliding door chirping

ANSWER: I hate it too. The only way to stop the chirping is to sell the minivan and get a decent sedan.

QUERY: what is peyton mannings favorite thing to eat

ANSWER: That would be a loser sandwich. You know, because he sucks.

QUERY: are steelers americas team

ANSWER: Yes, of course. How could it be otherwise? I’ll say this – it certainly ain’t the frickin’ Dallas Cowboys.

QUERY: when is earthquake season

ANSWER: June 11 – July 31.

QUERY: aussi do not like to fight with yanks at night

ANSWER: Fighting Yanks during the day is also dangerous. That’s because we’re all armed cowboy-types.

QUERY: amscray means

ANSWER: From the French, amscray has a functional meaning similar to the old Gallic retort, votre mere pue d’hamsters. It generally confounds one’s enemies, unless they attack through the hilly Ardennes.

QUERY: what does que quieres mean

ANSWER: From the Norwegian, que quieres means, “God! What a mess!”

QUERY: what does per diem mean

ANSWER: “Breakfast allowance.”

QUERY: what language is silas speaking in davinci code movie

ANSWER: Tagalog.

QUERY: roman tattoo strength and honor

ANSWER: This can be summed up in one Latin word: “Perfututum.”

QUERY: black cherry vanilla awful

ANSWER: It does seem a bit silly, doesn’t it? Here in New Hampshire it is easy to find Black Cherry Vanilla Diet Coke, but difficult to find regular Diet Cherry Coke, even though Diet Cherry Coke is far superior. Why this is, I don’t know, but hey: even the Coca-Cola Co. Inc. needs to earn returns on its investments.

QUERY: what musical note is americas car beep

ANSWER: It depends on the car. If I remember rightly, my own car horn is an A, but many car horns seem to be Fs. This is different than those European airhorns, which are alternating Cs and Gs.

QUERY: ford taurus stuck in drive

ANSWER: It could be worse! That said, if your gearshift is not on the steering column, check and see if anything has slipped down into the shift. I once had a penny get stuck in the mechanism and it prevented me from putting the car into park until I figured out what happened.

QUERY: quit smoking spitting up

ANSWER: All perfectly normal. Your lungs are healing.

QUERY: how to do an essay on stranded on a desert island

ANSWER: Well, this is easy. First, you write about the things you would like to have with you in a perfect world (CDs, books, Kate Winslet) and then write about how you would deal with certain logistical issues, such as finding potable water. See, it’s no trouble at all.

QUERY: ben or benson and food! or drink! or beverage! or restaurant! or cafe! or bar!

ANSWER: Or copyright infringement!

QUERY: things are getting weirder


QUERY: did jennifer wilbanks fire dr. tom smiley?

ANSWER: Anyone else know? Anyone? Anyone? Guess not.

QUERY: effects of modern day music on moral behaviour

ANSWER: Perhaps the better query would be “effects of modern day moral behavior on music.”

QUERY: four paragraph lead

ANSWER: That sounds a bit much!

QUERY: risks currency speculation

ANSWER: Currency speculation is extremely risky, primarily because the small trader has so much leverage at his disposal when trading in the forex markets. As such, even tiny moves the wrong way in a currency can entirely wipe out a small trader’s position. In terms of less-risky options, such as CDs, these let speculators bet on which way a currency might go – but the speculator’s assumptions about the currency might well prove wrong. Plus, a CD will likely lock you in to a position. You could always open a bank account in a foreign land, but that’s annoying tax-wise, and you then have to trust the nation’s banking system, to say nothing of the foreign bank itself. In short, you’ll find it a difficult game to win.

QUERY: the idiocy of timing the market

ANSWER: It’s not an easy thing to time the market. Speaking personally, I’m generally not a fan of the market-timing approach, preferring a buy-and-hold/fundamentals strategy. I do think a market-timing strategy can prove successful, but only if one spends a lot of time at it and is very disciplined in his approach. That’s easier said than done.

QUERY: alpacas wall street journal best kept secret of the two thousands

ANSWER: Not anymore. Especially since economists at the University of California at Davis wrote a paper on the alpaca-breeding industry and its potential to develop tulipomania.

QUERY: diamond size social status

ANSWER: I don’t really have an answer to this one. I’ve said in the past that a one-carat diamond is perfectly sufficient for this day and age, but I’m not sure about what larger diamonds say about social status. Sure, larger diamonds connote wealth, but a diamond that is too large makes it look as if one is showing off.

This too is problematic. It reminds me of something I read once about television sets: it’s not classy to buy a large TV if one has little else, but classy to watch old TVs if one is loaded up the wazoo. As such, ostentatious spending is only useful if it goes in line with one’s standard of living, and even then, it might not be advisable because it would look as if one was flaunting one’s wealth.

QUERY: unordinary wedding gifts to special friends

ANSWER: I can understand your desire to get an unordinary wedding gift for your friends, but there is a reason your friends have a wedding registry. My suggestion is to use it. If you would like to give them an extra-special gift, consider a nice housewarming present after they’re married and they’ve set up house.

QUERY: based on value line s forecast information what is the range of possible intrinsic values for geico?

ANSWER: 15 percent or more than you thought!

QUERY: interpretation of keynes in the long run we’re all dead

ANSWER: Uh, I think the man was pretty clear when he said it.

QUERY: manager solutions to lack of productivity due to mid life crisis

ANSWER: Perhaps giving the employee an unpaid leave of absence for a little while might help him sow his oats – that is, if he’s an excellent employee. Other than that, I’m afraid you’d have to execute him.

QUERY: people can’t afford boston

ANSWER: I can understand living in New York and not being able to afford it. I can understand the same for those living in Los Angeles. Boston, not so much. I mean, you can root for the Red Sox anywhere in New England!

QUERY: significance of health and economic of patronising our local drinks

ANSWER: It’s a good idea to support local producers wherever possible, provided it’s at least somewhat warranted. For instance, buying local produce will often mean getting a better and fresher product at a not-unreasonable price So the same would go for buying local beer or patronizing one’s local establishment, etc. etc.

QUERY: how to live below your means

ANSWER: Spend less, make more.

QUERY: what can happen to you if guilty of disorderly conduct nh?

ANSWER: If it’s a misdeameanor, it’s up to a year in your local county house of correction and a fine of up to $2,000. More importantly, though, you’ll be stuck with the opprobrium that goes with having an official societal determination that you were a boor in public.

QUERY: does having sex in denver count for mile-high club?

ANSWER: No – but nice try.

QUERY: can you become a born again virgin?

ANSWER: No – but nice try.

QUERY: love and romantic female bloggers

ANSWER: Boy did YOU come to the wrong site! Also, I’m sure all the romantic female bloggers are taken. I’m sure they’ll let you know when they’re available.

QUERY: trying to get the girl all the bad guys want

ANSWER: Well, I suppose my first suggestion to you would regard purchasing nunchucks. These might come in handy when dealing with the bad guys, who will almost certainly look unfavorably upon your competition with them for the girl whom all the bad guys want. Barring that, I’d suggest buying a good pair of athletic socks, as you can put billiard balls in them and use the socks as makeshift maces.

Flowers might work, too. I don’t know.

QUERY: uconn venereal disease 85%

ANSWER: It wouldn’t surprise me.

QUERY: why is it such an embarrassing error to mistake the sex of a new baby?

ANSWER: Because most people use blue clothes for boys and pink clothes for girls. Not picking up on this should cause one a bit of embarrassment.

QUERY: what men want second date sex ok

ANSWER: Most men these days, I think, would be all right with sex after three or four minutes. Not everyone is like that, though, so just see how things go.

QUERY: should i be dating if I’m going to move

ANSWER: If you’re leaving next Friday for the West Coast, it might not be the best time to start a new relationship.

QUERY: serenade your girlfriend

ANSWER: For most men, this is a bad idea. A really bad idea. Furthermore, it’s a terribly bad idea if you do it in place of something like a birthday gift. Also, serenading one’s girlfriend is illegal in Kalamazoo, Mich.

QUERY: men being cheap and selfish engagement rings

ANSWER: It’s not good for a man to be cheap and selfish regarding an engagement ring – unless, of course, his fiancee is also being selfish and wants a prohibitively expensive ring. However, I am sure that is not the case in this instance. As such, I have absolutely no idea what to advise.

QUERY: if your cell phone rings while you are out to a restaurant having dinner do you answer it

ANSWER: Only if you are around very close friends, who wouldn’t otherwise mind. In all other circumstances, you should shut your phone off (or at least put it on 'vibrate'). This will prevent you from disturbing other people’s dinners, insulting your dining companions and in general acting like an asshat. There is very little which can’t wait until after dessert. If you must take a call, do so out of the dining room.

QUERY: brooding is bad for relationships

ANSWER: Yes, in general, being persistently morbid about minor matters has a way of ruining the mood.

QUERY: why do guys not like public display of affection?

ANSWER: I think it depends on how much affection is being given. I don’t see anything wrong with a bit of it, but when both parties are oblivious to the world in going at it, it’s a bit gauche. As amazing as it may seem, the whole world may not want to see a couple getting amorous in public, or hear all that much about their love life, or what have – OH MY! DID YOU SEE THAT SAVE!

I can’t believe Trinidad and Tobago, after having one of their players sent off, managed to draw Sweden! Good Lord! Wow! Hopefully we’ll see Ivory Coast manage to do the same thing. Anyway, that’s it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next time, when I’m watching the … well, I’m sure the World Cup will have something to do with it.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at June 10, 2006 02:14 PM | TrackBack
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