May 13, 2006

The Perils of Gardening and the City of Brotherly Shove

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Edition of ...

An occasional Rant feature

IT IS A STRANGE DAY here in Manchester. Although it is one of the few days so far this year in which my allergies and sinuses are not causing me complete and total agony, it is pouring outside and has been for the past several hours. This means that I'm spending yet another day indoors and away from evil pollen-spreading plants, which for reasons I don't understand trouble me here far worse than they did back home or in California.

Still, the forced time inside has its advantages. For instance, I've done a lot of sleeping, which is always a fine way to spend a weekend. I've also watched some soccer and read a bit, and I'll probably watch a movie later before turning in early. Apparently, New Hampshire may experience floods like we haven't experienced since -- well, last year -- so I'll want to be ready for tomorrow. In the meantime, though, I think it's time for yet another edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered, the semi-regular feature in which I look at The Rant's search-engine queries. They're all over the board this time, but as disturbing as usual.

QUERY: everyone can be a gardener. perhaps you have a window box or a tub or enjoy relaxing outside in the summer

ANSWER: I'm sorry, but you're incorrect. For instance, I can't be a gardener, because I failed to inherit the gardening gene from my parents. Furthermore, I find the outdoors -- with the exception of certain national parks and remote desert areas -- generally irritating and wretched. If I wanted to be outdoors, I'd go someplace where being outside was actually possible for most of the year.

QUERY: wretched winnipeg band

ANSWER: One can't be all that hard to find.

QUERY: pimped out subaru legacy

ANSWER: Somehow, I just can't imagine a pimped-out subaru legacy attracting the envy and attention of one's peers, even if it did hop. God! Can you imagine it? "Ay, yo! Check out that ... Subaru?!"

QUERY: charter cable disconnect still on

ANSWER: Television may be a vast wasteland, but there's nothing like a FREE vast wasteland, particularly if you're still getting the pay channels.

QUERY: it makes no sense living in the suburbs

ANSWER: I wholeheartedly agree. Of course, I'm also single and have no children. It may be that married couples with children have different outlooks on life.

QUERY: socialist pornography

ANSWER: Oh dear.

QUERY: what huge city is called city of brotherly shove on account of its supposed rudeness?

ANSWER: Wichita.

QUERY: what does it mean that my home equity line of credit is maxed out

ANSWER: It means I'm damned glad not to be in your shoes. Also: get advice from a certified financial planner before it's too late.

QUERY: high school reunions suck

ANSWER: That's why I've studiously avoided even considering attending one of my high school reunions.

QUERY: where to find champale for sale?

ANSWER: You'll find it next to the "wines not made from grapes" section at your local liquor store of dubious reputation. Look for the 32 oz. bottles. It may or may not be available in flavors other than the "classic" Champale taste, which I've been told is a cross between flat Mello Yello and horse piss.

QUERY: perks of senior year in high school

ANSWER: Well, you certainly get to enjoy four -- and perhaps even eight -- months of erroneously believing you're on top of the world and you have a bright future ahead of you. Such feelings are better reserved for your early twenties, when you're just out of college.

QUERY: cheap and pleasant places to live in california

ANSWER: Well, which is it?

QUERY: stupid question white people ask

ANSWER: The potential for humor here is so vast I'm going to just let folks think about that for a sec.

QUERY: free make a person suffer hoodoo and voodoo spells

ANSWER: I'm sorry, but if you want to harness evil forces from the world of the dead, you're going to have to pay. That's kind of part and parcel with the whole deal.

QUERY: repercussions from drinking 17 bottles of vodka in 2 weeks

ANSWER: Your liver might not be up for bottle No. 18.

QUERY: kangaroo meat tastes like

ANSWER: Chicken.

QUERY: how many miles is too many taurus

ANSWER: This all depends on how your Taurus is functioning. Many people may think that because a Taurus is old or otherwise has lots of miles on it, the car is no longer useful. This is crap. As long as the car manages to start and actually moves forward, you should drive it until it runs into the ground or becomes too expensive to repair around inspection time. Questions about reliability can be solved through paying $60 or so for a membership with the American Automobile Association.

QUERY: how to pump your own gas

ANSWER: First, insert your debit or credit card into the gas pump. Curse loudly and vow vengeance on the various nogoodniks responsible for gasoline prices approaching $3 per gallon. Remove the pump and insert it into the fuel tank. Pump gas while angrily muttering about the cost of gasoline, the annoying gas pumps which supposedly cut down on gas vapors, and the irrationality seen daily on the New York Mercantile Exchange. Pump gas until the auto shut-off function kicks in. Top off the tank to the nearest dollar. Curse loudly upon receiving receipt.

QUERY: dating a journalist

ANSWER: NO! DON'T! Oops -- sorry. Reflex action. I mean, good decision! Dating a journalist has lots of important perks and benefits which go along with it. Perhaps the most noteworthy is that dating a journalist provides one with some of the "cool factor" associated with dating musicians, artists, poets, etc., while still secure in the knowledge that said journalist is earning "a steady income." Of course, journalism has its challenges: but rest assured that dating a journalist has plenty of perks, such as knowing or being able to find out quickly where all the good restaurants in town are, and so on.

Anyway, that's it for this edition of "Your Search Engine Queries Answered." Tune in next time when we look at bad cooking, how much to tip at the car wash and why I'm probably going to retire in the southwest. Until then, thanks for visiting.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at May 13, 2006 05:55 PM | TrackBack
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