February 14, 2006

What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love

Oh No!
It’s Yet Another Installment of …

An occasional Rant feature

AH, VALENTINE’S DAY. For many, it’s a day of sweet romance; a day on which couples can express their love, devotion and fidelity, or at the very least have at it like rabbits in heat. For others, Valentine’s Day is a sad and embittered time; a day on which bad memories surface and past regrets are drowned in oceans of drink.

Then, there are the people who are simply clueless. Many of these arrive at The Rant through search engines. Their queries reflect myriad emotions: romantic haplessness, hidden fury, and desperate secrets.

Some undoubtedly had a deer-in-the-headlights look about them when they fired up Yahoo! or Google, and perhaps at this writing, they are bumbling through the flowers section at the supermarket, hoping their hastily-bought bouquets of yellow or orange roses will do the trick. Some undoubtedly had figured out their beloved had bought them a blender for their special day. Others, perhaps, were scared out of their wits, praying they wouldn’t say the wrong things over dinner.

Fortunately, though, we’re solutions providers here at The Rant, and our business is providing solutions, particularly to search-engine queries. So without further ado, here’s a special Valentine’s Day edition of “Your Search Engine Queries Answered” – for all of you who were riding high in April, but shot down in May.

QUERY: things not to say on your valentine s date...

ANSWER: Well, there are a variety of things a man ought not say on one's valentine's date. However, thanks to modern technology, computers can now figure out the things one especially ought not say on one's date. Here's a list of the worst sayings:

5. "I can't believe you ordered the salad and the lobster. Am I made of money?"
4. "I haven't seen a dress like that since Murray threw up on Kay back in '78."
3. "I like these fancy places with the napkin dispensers."
2. "Honey! Look! The bed's got Magic Fingers(TM)!"
1. "Oh, don't worry, the doctor said that cleared up."

QUERY: woman kills man

ANSWER: That's because he got her a new crock pot for Valentine's Day. How many times must it be said? DO NOT BUY APPLIANCES FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

QUERY: woman kills man with high heel shoe

ANSWER: That's because he got her a new vacuum cleaner.

QUERY: she said shed like to score some reefer and a 40 she ll know that i m the best that she ll never have lyrics

ANSWER: I don't know about you, but it would disturb me somewhat if I was bluntly told my heart's desire wished for some reefer and a really large bottle of beer, malt liquor or other fortified beverage. Mostly because I'd prefer my significant other not drink Boone's Farm or anything that routinely has "fortified" applied as an adjective.

QUERY: narcissist boss attracted to subordinate

ANSWER: I suppose you should file a complaint with your human resources office, as that type of behavior really isn't tolerated any more. Unless, of course, you're already in the human resources department, in which case I don't know what you do. It's not like HR departments can forward their complaints to the Internal Affairs Bureau and let them deal with it.

QUERY: i hate paris hilton jessica britney americans greedy middle class sex no talent

ANSWER: BING BING BING BING BING! We've got another loyal Rant reader!

QUERY: why people wears sexual clothes

ANSWER: People wear sexually-revealing clothes because they want to go where the people dance. They want some action, and to both give action and get some too. Also, they love the nightlife, and want to boogie on the disco 'round, oh yeah.

QUERY: lumber yard nudists

ANSWER: There can't be a worse place for a nudist than a lumber yard. There just can't.

QUERY: public display of affection on a first date

ANSWER: I am not a big fan of public displays of affection, simply because I don't think they're very polite to others. Holding hands is fine; a hug or a kiss is fine, but anything more is a bit much. In private, on the other hand ...

QUERY: jesus is coming for dinner

ANSWER: Well, for Pete's sake, make sure to serve white wine with the main course. If you serve red wine, He's going to think you're serving it because He's Jesus. Also, before you start getting airs about having Christ over for supper, remember that He made a point about dining with folks who have serious frickin' issues.

QUERY: me and my neighbor s wife

ANSWER: Maybe Jesus should have dinner with *you*, because you've broken Commandments Six and Nine right from the get-go. Gad.

QUERY: valentine s day after an affair

ANSWER: Geez. I don't know how to answer that one.

QUERY: nice sweet reasonable love quotes about moving on

ANSWER: There aren't any. Besides, be honest with the poor sap and tell him why things just didn't work out. In the end, it'll be easier for all concerned.

QUERY: all fair in love and business

ANSWER: Dude, this is the United States of America, not Hong Kong. Being unfair in business will get you in serious trouble with the Securities and Exchange Commission. Being unfair in love will get you in serious trouble with 150 million American women. Either way, honesty and fair play are the best policies.

QUERY: catholicism comparison to wiccanism

ANSWER: I'd answer this but I'd get in trouble.

QUERY: i burn i pine i parish

ANSWER: I'd answer this but I'd really get in trouble.

QUERY: valentine s day investing quote

ANSWER: Money can't buy you love. It can, however, buy you a really sweet car which will upstage your neighbors and make you the envy of the block.

QUERY: decent diamond size for engagement ring

ANSWER: As I understand it, a one-carat diamond engagement ring is accepted as the industry standard. This will cost you several thousand dollars, but I have no doubt that it's very much worth it.

QUERY: valentine s day and consumerism

ANSWER: Certainly, Valentine's Day is laden with consumerist sentiment, something which may dismay some folks. However, I view it like this: there are a few days in the year in which it makes sense to spend lots of money, and Valentine's Day seems like one of them. So I don't see any problems with spending lots of cash on Valentine's Day, provided you're still being smart with your money.

QUERY: valentine card with doing sex pose.

ANSWER: Meet John Smith. A schlub, a yutz, a loser: a man who spent the night on the sofa, all thanks to a pathetic Valentine's Day card he saw in the discount bin at the novelty store. Little does John know, though, that the next morning, he'll awake in The Twilight Zone.

Well, that's it for this edition of "Your Search Engine Queries Answered!" Tune in next time when Benjamin Kepple confronts disturbing queries about tax issues, fiscal concerns and God knows what else.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at February 14, 2006 09:07 PM | TrackBack

Just for the record, I would be pretty darn happy if my husband had bought me a new dishwasher for Valentine's Day, but I'm overly practical and kind of weird that way :)

Now if it was an electric mixer as referred to in your earlier post, I might feel differently. Good to see you are cranking out the posts again by the way. Hopefully I will be doing the same soon -- ig

Posted by: illinigirl at February 17, 2006 05:09 PM

Hilarious. Ben, you've got some freaky visitors to your site. I'm afraid to look at my stats. Let's just say I'd be a lot happier if a certain porn star did not share my first name.

Posted by: Allison at February 18, 2006 12:58 PM

Fortunately, not everyone who visits the site through a search engine is freaky. Still, though, I agree the searches can be a bit strange!

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at February 20, 2006 07:07 PM