September 30, 2005

Report: Dimbulbs Take Field for MSU

AND NOW, for some Pre-Game Heckling.

In today's edition of The Wall Street Journal, the paper has analyzed myriad professional and collegiate football programs, based on the leaked results of how the programs' players have done on a standardized intelligence test. In a happy coincidence, this analysis includes The University of Michigan's football program, plus the program of the state's Cowtipping Agricultural School in East Lansing.

While the exam results contained some surprises -- for instance, Evil Nebraska ranked 10th out of 39 programs -- some things turned out as one might expect. The University of Michigan ranked 14th out of 39th schools listed, and NFL prospects from Michigan achieved an average score of 21.7. This was a better showing, one might note, than that of The Ohio State University, which ranked 17th on the WSJ's list.

But then we come to Michigan State University. The WSJ writes: "So much for Michigan State: Graduation rates and test scores for its system's players are at the bottom of the pack, and it hasn't ranked in the final AP poll for four years."

Such words can't do justice to MSU's true failure. The team ranked an abysmal 38th out of 39 teams on the WSJ's list. Since No. 39 was the University of Miami (Fla.), MSU's average score of 16.6 clearly shows that Michigan has been, is now, and always will be the better school in any and all endeavors the two happen to undertake. Should Michigan somehow lose on Saturday, it will clearly be a statistical outlier -- a blip due to bad luck, bad officialing, or East Lansing thuggery.

But I know that Michigan has no plans to lose. That's because Michigan lives for days like Saturday -- if only because the Wolverines get to remind other schools that the other schools aren't all that and a bag of chips.

Last week, MSU's football squad planted its school flag on Notre Dame's turf after beating the Fighting Irish at home 44-41. It was a true example of the thuggery and lack of sportsmanship, the classlessness and braggadocio, which one so often finds in the third-rate. I very much hope that Michigan will get to again remind MSU that they're not all that and a bag of chips. I very much hope that, as Lou Holtz said, the next flag MSU plants will be one which says, "We surrender."

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 30, 2005 11:40 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Amen, brutha.

Posted by: simon from jersey at September 30, 2005 12:48 PM

so,what are you saying...football has no value?

most of you're argument is right on, and I say this as Penn State and Ohio State prepare to square off with some of our folks actually at the game and perhaps a BIG10 title on the line.

BIG FREAKIN' DEAL!

All are schools with similar issues to those you've expressed at MSU and nd (little letters for emphasis).

Last I looked, and how I (we, meaning us like...US...meaning you and me) were brought up, football, especially on the collegiate level, was an educational tool. The lessons would be

Teamwork...Stepping up when the chips are down, for your teammates and not a coach (who's usually someone without a clue, and CERTAINLY NOT the one struggling to help you to survive)...

Hiatory...human nature NEVER, EVER CHANGES..War? yup.Greed? yup. ..(causes war)...Disorganization? Causes dissention, and then war..greed, ( see above)

Perseverance: NEVER quit. Time might run out, for now...You might be down on the score at that point in time...and you might (gawd forbid!) lose that game.

If there's time left, THIS TIME, especially, or even if we're going again, Get up, depending on your co-pay and your "injuries," dust yourself off, or even cooler, DON'T dust yourself off, and stand tall, right then, and right at them, and say,

"REMATCH."

As for me, a two-word epitaph will do. Learmed from what I was taught about football...

Died trying

three good teams to watch, if you can, and watch the fight in them, it'll top any big ten game...

Army...
Navy...
Rutgers (the inventors of the game)...

Posted by: samuel clemons at October 7, 2005 11:39 PM