February 13, 2005

In the Long Run, We're All Nauseous

Oh No!
It’s Time for Yet Another Installment of …
YOUR SEARCH ENGINE QUERIES ANSWERED

An occasional Rant feature – Special Valentine’s Day edition!

LOYAL RANT READERS will have undoubtedly noticed it’s been several months since we last scanned our search logs for depressing, nauseating and downright disturbing examples of idiocy and depravity. Part of this was due to time constraints, as it takes quite a while to compile all the data and pick out the really amazing stuff. But part was also due to a bit of fatigue with the entries.

We can assure readers that scanning through our search-engine logs is enough to cause us to despair. While some searchers arrive at The Rant looking for important and meaningful information related to personal finance, news from abroad and other salient matters, the vast majority of searchers continue to look for material related to celebrity weight-loss schemes, people doing objectionable things in public, theme songs played during advertisements, and other things which contribute nothing to the sum of human knowledge. Such searches are even more disturbing when one considers that we’re not exactly the No. 1 search on Google for many of those things, as it means people really went through the lists looking for this or that. Still, that said, we must say we’d think it quite cool if we ended up as the No. 1 search for Lord Keynes’ immortal quote: “In the long run, we are all dead.”

But we digress. In any event, here are the latest and greatest search-engine queries between December 2004 and February 2005, for your amusement:

QUERY: things not to say on valentine’s

ANSWER: Well, here’s a few we thought up off the top of our heads. First, there’s the old never-never: “Well, it’s cubic zirconium.” Then, there’s: “But it’ll help you with the dishes.” Other things not to say include: “Oh, I couldn’t get a reservation,” “But roses cost $75,” “What DID they do to your hair?” and lastly, “Well, I thought we could skip Valentine’s Day this year.” If our male readers do in fact say any of these things, we would encourage you to look forward to President’s Day, when all the nice sofas go on sale.

QUERY: commericalism of valentine’s

ANSWER: We personally do not approve of the commericalism surrounding Valentine’s Day. After all, the cost of spirits goes up something fierce, and that makes it more expensive for us to indulge our own Valentine’s Day traditions, which involve sad rumination and drinking alone.

QUERY: sweet love memo

ANSWER:

My dear beloved,
I’ll say just three little words:
Endorse the pre-nup.

What? OK, OK. How’s about this?

Dearest beloved,
Valentine’s Day shouldn’t mean
loss of consortium.

Gad. OK, so that doesn’t work either. Sorry. We’re in this rut.

QUERY: cruel valentines

ANSWER: See above.

QUERY: nauseous valentine

ANSWER: That would be us.

QUERY: mile high club penalties

ANSWER: Well, first thing’s first – if you’re on the same flight we are, we’re going to be rather displeased you made the common lavatory unusuable for us and the other passengers. Second, the airline is going to be rather unhappy with you for the same reason. That should be bad enough, but we’re sure there’s some kind of federal law mandating severe penalties for such awful behavior. There’s a federal law for everything else. Lastly, you’re bound to knock yourself out if the pilot suddenly flies into a spat of turbulence.

QUERY: lewd and laviscous behavior definition

ANSWER: Well, there ya go.

QUERY: public display of affection inside the workplace

ANSWER: In a right-thinking company, you’d kiss any chance of promotion goodbye.

QUERY: why do men expect sex on the first date

ANSWER: Men generally don’t. However, many men strive for having sex on the first date because it precludes having a second and third date, and all those minor things like commitment and fidelity and what not. Also, it’s fun. Speaking personally, though, we are not the type to go all out, simply because we’re very cautious in that regard.

QUERY: how to make an excellent impression on a man

ANSWER: As Clint Eastwood said: “Try knocking on the door.” (No, really. It's that easy. If you show interest in him, he'll probably be quite pleased with that and will thus have an excellent impression).

QUERY: men who cut women down

ANSWER: Well, they aren’t worth your time nor your trouble, because they aren’t frickin’ men. We’re serious. Any man who has to cut down his wife or girlfriend to make himself feel better about his own miserable, wretched existence isn’t much of a man, and isn’t deserving of what he’s managed to acquire thus far in life.

QUERY: hacking into you ex’s e-mail account

ANSWER: Oh, get over it. Get over yourself. Jesus.

QUERY: dating a journalist

ANSWER: NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T! YOU – oh, just a moment, we’ve a letter from our fellow journalists. Let’s see here … um. Ooooh. Eeesh. OK, let’s try again.

Dating a journalist is a clear ticket to happiness, as your date will undoubtedly be handsome, witty, and free of any and all personal problems whatsoever. Why, dating a journalist is a sure ticket to upward social mobility!

There! That’s better!

QUERY: charter communications billing me for cable movies i did not watch

ANSWER: Yeah, right! Good luck with that, buddy! Just out of curiosity, do you have teenagers in the home? That might explain your problem right there.

QUERY: how human being have sex

ANSWER: Son, The Rant is intended for adults only. Now run along.

QUERY: corruption husband stigma

ANSWER: Yes, there’s probably rather a lot of stigma there, but don’t worry – it only attaches to your husband. The wife is generally innocent in these situations and everyone usually recognizes that. Unless you haven’t been all that nice to people. In that case, they’re not going to shed any tears for you either. But we are sure such a situation does not apply to you.

QUERY: men love curves

ANSWER: Yes, we do. Most of us. There are some men who do like very thin women. But that’s them.

QUERY: top five things men are attracted to in women

ANSWER: a compatible personality, good looks, intelligence, a matching outlook on life, and a good disposition. But let’s move on.

QUERY: dragnet far-out groovy

ANSWER: No, no. The quote is, “You’re pretty high and far out. What kind of kick are you on, son?” Heh. Boy. It makes you feel for our grandparents’ generation, it really does.

QUERY: crime happen because lack of moral

ANSWER: Well, that’s one good reason, certainly.

QUERY: petty theft can I own a gun?

ANSWER: In our mind, it’s not a question of can, it’s a question of should, and so far, we’re not very convinced. But of course the answer depends on your jurisdiction.

QUERY: now warning labels are indelibly etched into gun barrels as though men have somehow forgotten that guns are dangerous things.

ANSWER: Well, blame the guy who asked the last question, not us.

QUERY: suing stockbroker over stock market losses

ANSWER: Dude, what part of “past performance is no indication of future results” didn’t you get? Why would you even think of suing your stockbroker? Good Lord. You made the decision to buy the security, didn’t you? Yes. You did. As such, we expect you read the prospectus and did your research and did understand you could – wait for it – lose money on your investment. In any event, we don’t know whether you can or not, but we’d expect you’ll end up in arbitration, as the brokerages are wise to these things.

QUERY: investing for stupid people

ANSWER: First thing, you need an advisor to guide you, but make sure you keep control over the accounts. Second, stick to simple things like index funds and exchange-traded funds (ETFs). Also, past performance is no indicator of future results. And read the prospectus before you invest in anything. And use a discount broker. And a fool and his money are soon parted. Finally, and most important, we’re not a licensed financial advisor or anything like that, so do not construe this as legal or financial advice, people can and do lose money, etc. etc. etc.

QUERY: effects that hyperinflation can have on the usefulness of financial statements

ANSWER: Well, for starters, it’d be useful to lop off a few of the zeros.

QUERY: percentage american millionaires

ANSWER: Last time we checked, about 2 pc (one in 50) of American households had more than $1 million. This drops off sharply though by the time one gets to $5 million – only 0.2 pc (one in 500) of American households have more than that.

QUERY: number of households in america with net worth of $50 million or more

ANSWER: We don’t know, but it ain’t many. There are only about 30,000 with more than $30 million, and that’s for all of North America, according to this year’s 2004 World Wealth Report from Merrill Lynch and Capgemini. So if you figure that Canada has 3,000 of them, that leaves 27,000 for the United States. How many of those have more than $50 million? We’ll guess and say perhaps 10,000 – at the higher levels, the herd thins out quickly. There are 111,278,000 households in the United States, according to the Census Bureau, so that means about one out of every 11,000 households is extremely wealthy. These are not, of course, evenly distributed throughout America, though – Manhattan will have far more of them than Syracuse.

QUERY: which suburb of los angeles best for children

ANSWER: That would be none of them.

QUERY: stupid customers making this up

ANSWER: Oh, let ‘em return the clothes already. Geez.

QUERY: simple ... spells employment

ANSWER: We have one, but it requires a lot of concentration. OK, ready? First – concentrate very hard, and go to your closet. In this closet, you will find a shirt and a tie and dress slacks. Put them on. Then, concentrate hard again, and will yourself to go out and get a job application. Success should follow shortly.

QUERY: i am being manipulated

ANSWER: You don’t say.

QUERY: should you have speak english if you live in new jersey?

ANSWER: No.

QUERY: how many carbohydrates are in sauerkraut?

ANSWER: There are 14 grams of carbs in one pound of sauerkraut, all of which are dietary fiber.

QUERY: paris hilton is horrible

ANSWER: Questions, please. Statements of fact don’t count.

QUERY: nick coleman sucks.

ANSWER: We said questions, dammit!

QUERY: what does one for the thumb mean?

ANSWER: It means to win a fifth Super Bowl, thus providing a team with a championship ring for players to wear on the thumb.

QUERY: steelers one for the thumb in 81 shirts

ANSWER: Oh, God. Oh. We could weep. That said, where could we get one of those shirts? Having one would just rule. And speaking of the Steelers ...

QUERY: sammy davis jr song eo eleven

ANSWER:

It’s all a state of mind
Whether or not you find
That place down there or heaven
In the meantime,
e-o-eleven
e-o-eleven
e-o-eleven

Well, there’s always next year, we suppose. And with that, we hope everyone has a very happy Valentine’s Day – or at the very least, survives it intact!

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at February 13, 2005 11:15 PM | TrackBack
Comments

how human being have sex

This just goes to show how the Internet is making sluggards of us all. Instead of abducting people and examining their sex organs the old-fashioned way, those aliens are just Googling for the info!

Posted by: Camassia at February 16, 2005 04:37 PM

Compared to the theories I dreamed up as to why anyone would Google that particular phrase, I think that's actually a rational explanation.

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at February 16, 2005 09:25 PM