October 20, 2004

Que Quiere?!

Oh No!
It’s Time for Yet Another Installment of …

A recurring Rant feature

WE CAN ASSURE readers that our search-engine logs are starting to get a bit depressing. It is not merely that the searches are getting weirder as time goes on, although that is somewhat troubling. What really amazes us is the volume. You would be shocked to learn how many people do searches regarding, to choose one popular phrase, “loss of consortium.” But that is not the only non-unique search. Apparently, many search-engine users who arrive at The Rant are looking for private details about celebrities’ lives, plagiarism-worthy essays, and resources related to the federal prisons system.

This would be disturbing enough, except for the massive number of strange queries from individuals. These queries are so … ah, different … that one might say the people entering them are constituents of The Twilight Zone’s Dimension of Mind. It’s getting downright creepy. Fortunately, however, we here at The Rant exist to fulfill our readers’ requests. Hence, let us turn to the latest edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered!

QUERY: what does per diem mean for workers

ANSWER: The per diem (lit., “one meal”) often refers to a stipend given to employees who are traveling, but who for some reason do not merit an expense account. As such, this stipend is sometimes only enough to cover the cost of one meal, generally a breakfast croissanwich from Burger King. If one is lucky, one can also buy those French toast sticks, and save them for lunch. Some workers, though, may receive enough cash to stay at a Holiday Inn. Remember: the idea behind the per diem is to spend as little of your own money as possible, with the hope of ending up-limit for your trip.

QUERY: invest $100 000 in (firm deleted) and receive a golf vacation

ANSWER: You seem more interested in the golf than the brokerage. Why not invest $90,000 with another brokerage that doesn’t have to lure you with a golf vacation, and spend the $10,000 on a trip to Pebble Beach? Heck, that $10,000 might even buy you a really great set of clubs, plus a lesson to help eradicate that troublesome slice of yours.

QUERY: stealing from large corporations

ANSWER: Stealing from large corporations is a bad idea. For one thing, it’s wrong. For another, they have many nasty and sneaky ways of catching you doing so. For a third, when they do catch you, you will be subjected to a most painful and grievous disgorgement process that may involve prison time. Instead, we would suggest that you demand stock options or other appropriate compensation increases at your next review session.

QUERY: more wealth more evil

ANSWER: Or: more wealth more good. It stands to reason that anyone with more of anything can have a correspondingly greater impact because of that. But merely having those things does not prepossess one to become more good or more evil.

QUERY: dave coulier net worth

ANSWER: Your life – it lacks meaning, yes?

QUERY: saddam hussein saves a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to geico

ANSWER: Oh, if only they'd make THAT into a commercial.

QUERY: need to find an rich person an man that gives away out free money right now to day

ANSWER: Boy, YOU came to the wrong Web site, didn’t you?

QUERY: not just whistling dixie

ANSWER: You’re still not getting any of our money.

QUERY: mercantile insurance company ltd. bangladesh lottery result

ANSWER: Your bank must love dealing with idiots like you.

QUERY: peace corp disqualif

ANSWER: It’s no wonder, given your spelling. On the other hand, though, how the devil does anyone get disqualified from the Peace Corps? It’s the Peace Corps. As far as we can tell, the only exclusion it ever did was to get people excluded from the infantry.

QUERY: jennifer lopez not a good entertainer

ANSWER: We’re sorry, we deal with queries here at The Rant, not statements of fact. Please rephrase your request.

QUERY: determining the use of ethos, pathos logos

ANSWER: Good luck getting a jobos with what you’ve learned in THAT class.

QUERY: understanding reality television

ANSWER: We’ve decided to put this into a simple and easy equation for you. Non-union actors + hot people + no shame = $$$$$. And yes, it IS all about money. This is how it has always been.

QUERY: american culture concerned with popularity

ANSWER: We don’t know if it’s applicable to the culture as a whole, but certainly many Americans are concerned about their popularity. We have not been one of these people, as those who know us can attest, for a very long time.

QUERY: not taking things too personally

ANSWER: That has a LOT to do with why we care little about popularity. If someone does not like us, we figure they’ll get over it eventually.

QUERY: ben and stimpy

ANSWER: We are not the blogging equivalent of Ren Hoek.

QUERY: interpersonal relationship of metrosexuality

ANSWER: It’s all – all – about you.

QUERY: clothes make the man

ANSWER: Faugh.

QUERY: what is it like to be overly thin in American society?

ANSWER: You are so asking the wrong person. We haven’t been overly thin since the third grade, and that was because we were a sickly child. So we don’t know. We would, though, venture to guess this is a good thing until one’s metabolism gives out.

QUERY: can employers still make women wear skirts?

ANSWER: Say. There’s a tough one. Boy. We have no expert knowledge on this particular subject, but we would say that we think an employer can certainly require an appropriate dress code in a workplace. Yet unless the skirt is part of a uniform, we do not see how one could require wearing a skirt.

QUERY: descriptive essay on an undesirable place

ANSWER: We’re sorry, but The Rant’s expected essay on this topic (“Holy Christ, We’re in Sheboygan”) is not due until later this decade. Please check back then.

QUERY: santa red suit communist

ANSWER: We’ve suspected this for a long time. After all, he gives away toys away for free, and that’s communism at its finest.

QUERY: the joys of market speculation

ANSWER: O ye who churn your account, begone from here.

QUERY: former stockbroker what can I do?

ANSWER: Consider a career in personal financial-planning. There’s definitely a market in that, as many Americans have no idea what to do with their money.

QUERY: why music today stinks

ANSWER: In a word, Autotune.

QUERY: stesichorus homer

ANSWER: Stesichorus rules. He is perhaps the first Greek known to register his disagreement in writing about the story of the Trojan war. This was because he was bitter:

The story is not true.
You never sailed on the benched ships.
You never went to Troy.

QUERY: young posh and loaded ben

ANSWER: Well, we suppose there’s something to be said for two out of three.

QUERY: under thirty years old high cholesterol

ANSWER: This is very not fun. We know.

QUERY: men are wrong

ANSWER: You must really be fun on dates!

QUERY: why do men act strange when their attracted to you

ANSWER: Hormones have much to do with this.

QUERY: how do men respond to love?

ANSWER: They respond well. We can assure readers that we ourselves stop smoking, lose weight, become cheerful and enjoy life when we are in love. Readers are therefore asked not to draw anything at all from the tone of our recent posts.

QUERY: christmas making-out

ANSWER: Do it AFTER the kids go to bed, for God’s sakes!

QUERY: plastic surgery ali landry

ANSWER: Naaaaaaaah. Not that we would know personally, of course – but boy! That guy who played A.C. Slater really screwed things up, didn’t he? God. What a schmuck.

QUERY: a really good thought before I go to sleep

ANSWER: See: Landry, Ali.

QUERY: one dollar movie theatre by crossroads mall in okla city ok area

ANSWER: Ooooh. Dollar theatres still exist? Amazing. Anyway, we would definitely suggest attending the dollar theatre if you are looking to catch great first-run releases such as “Who’s the Man?,” “Lucas,” and “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.”

Well, that’s it for this month’s edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Next time, we’ll discuss the euro, Wyoming’s state song, and health-chest congestion (all of which, we would submit, are unfortunate things).

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 20, 2004 06:43 PM | TrackBack

Santa's no communist. He's a stooge of Coca-Cola!

Posted by: Camassia at October 21, 2004 05:53 PM