September 17, 2004

Our Pride and Joy, &c.

Oh No!
Itís Time for Yet Another Installment of Ö

A recurring Ė and popular Ė Rant feature

WE WERE QUITE pleased to see that many searchers who visited The Rant this month likely learned something through their queries. For all those who entered queries on subjects ranging from medieval banking houses to net-worth statistics, and from spiritual matters to the writings of C.S. Lewis, we sincerely hope you found the information for which you were searching. We also hope you return often.

Then there were the people looking for images of Officer Sweetchuck from the Police Academy movies.

It is a phenomenon we do not entirely understand, but then, we canít entirely understand why people searching for weird things end up looking over The Rant. One would think the search-engine algorithms would direct said searchers to sites which were more relevant to their queries. However, they arrived here, and their data was harvested accordingly. Let us study, then, the thought processes of these unfortunate souls.

QUERY: devastation dave zip zap rap listen

ANSWER: Thatís Devastatiní Dave. Anyway, we did some searching on-line and actually found an mp3 of Devastatiní Dave zip-zap-rapping. We are not providing a link on public health grounds. Itís kind of like a cross between Vanilla Ice and the Sugar Hill Gang, that is, if someone had mixed Hank and Master Geeís drinks with roughly two pounds of Xanax. Word to your mother, kids!

QUERY: jessica simpson discussion idiot

ANSWER: We are no longer convinced that Mrs Simpson is lacking in intelligence, primarily because Mrs Simpson has amassed a great deal of wealth and publicity for reasons we canít entirely fathom. Therefore, we suspect that when one removes the glitz and glamour, she is quite a canny operator Ė or simply smart enough to surround herself with canny operators working on her behalf. Either way, Mrs Simpson has secured her place quite well, and we withdraw all our prior criticism on that front. We remain, however, less than enamored with her songs.

QUERY: jen schefft engagement ring

ANSWER: Weíre sorry, but your query is long past its expiry date for freshness. The Rant does not answer stale and outdated queries.

QUERY: think too hard

ANSWER: Donít strain yourself.

QUERY: philadelphia eagles & boston bar

ANSWER: Save yourself time and trouble. Beat yourself with a crowbar, repeatedly.

QUERY: what is bulb of the lamp

ANSWER: Not the brightest bulb in the lamp store, are you, son?

QUERY: amor vincit omnia

ANSWER: Interdum.

QUERY: stop reality television

ANSWER: Weíre with you on this one.

QUERY: mandatory tipping restaurant parties

ANSWER: In many restaurants, parties of six or more diners are assessed mandatory gratuities of 18 pc. This practice ostensibly prevents said diners from being cheap when tipping the waiter. However, we believe the practice actually protects waiters from the ineptitude of the kitchen staff in most of these establishments. Also, the practice is one of many ways in which a bad restaurant can strive to show it has class.

QUERY: burn fur coat

ANSWER: What the hell good would that do? The animals are already dead. Burning the fur coatís not going to change that fact. Besides, youíll pollute the atmosphere, and we couldnít have that, now could we?

QUERY: why is god a good role model

ANSWER: Speaking personally, we always thought that whole business about the cross proved instructive.

QUERY: knitting before christ

ANSWER: Weíre not theologians, but we donít think He would be displeased if you gave the potholders you made to your church.

QUERY: satanic idiocy

ANSWER: We donít mean to be pessimistic, but underestimating evil probably isnít the best idea.

QUERY: circles of hell salesman

ANSWER: As far as we can tell, wicked salesmen condemned to eternal pain and suffering can end up in any of the circles. However, if the faults which led them there are related to their work, the salesmen will likely end up in Circle Four (avarice) or Circle Eight (fraud). In Circle Four, the salesmen will stand between the giant weights which the greedy and prodigious roll back and forth against each other, vainly attempting to sell both parties service agreements in case the weights stop working. In Circle Eight, the salesmen will undoubtedly attempt to sell various protective devices guaranteed to protect sinners from the horrible boiling pitch engulfing them. This will continue until either a) the second death, i.e., final annihilation, arrives as promised, or b) Heavenly Justice decides the other sinners are being overly punished for their sins. Should that second eventuality come about, however, we understand that Geryon will be used to advertise Hellís various automotive-financing plans.

QUERY: is seattle depressing

ANSWER: Yes. The rainís bad enough, but you also have to deal with the people who live in Seattle and believe it the best city on Godís green Earth.

QUERY: third street promenade california cheap parking

ANSWER: *snicker* *guffaw* *snort*

QUERY: proper way to do a chin-up


QUERY: song analysis lying eyes

ANSWER: Itís still only September. Consider taking something useful, such as Accounting 201.

QUERY: public nudity in public place

ANSWER: This would be as opposed to what?

QUERY: he is having his dinner anyway

ANSWER: Well, bully on him!

QUERY: dean esmay

ANSWER: For the last time Ė heís over here!

QUERY: prospectus argentine bond

ANSWER: Dude. Itís Argentina. Why are you even considering it?

QUERY: bill cowher yelling

ANSWER: Well, itís either that or scowling, isnít it?

QUERY: jokes about pittsburgh steelers

ANSWER: Uncle Dave? Youíre being paged.

QUERY: dave kepple

ANSWER: Uncle Dave? Maybe a blog is in your future.

QUERY: essay dennettís dangerous idea

ANSWER: We donít know if dangerous was the correct word to use in this instance. Stupid, yes, but not dangerous.

QUERY: short romantic speech

ANSWER: Eleanor, gee, I think youíre swell, and you really do me well Ė youíre my pride and joy, etc.!

QUERY: kate winslet pounds

ANSWER: Oh, God -- Kate Winslet! Foxy foxy foxy foxy foxy.

QUERY: dating a journalist

ANSWER: This is an excellent idea, and we certainly encourage people to date and marry journalists, especially young and smart and witty journalists who have that roguish sort of charm about them.

QUERY: attitudes of americans to englishmen

ANSWER: Americans generally like the English, as we feel a cultural kinship towards the auld sod. Also, your accent lends you an air of sophistication and intelligence, which if you combine it with a shade of aggressiveness, will get you all the girls. With the pound so strong these days, it would be unwise to screw this up. Do note the easiest way to do so is by expressing opinions on politics and religion, unless the Americans to which you are speaking agree with you. If they do not, expect to be informed in no uncertain terms that Britain is, depending on your views, a rotting bolshy cesspit or a racist bastion of imperialism.

Englishmen, as a rule, should take note that Americans can generally be divided into three groups. The first knows little to nothing about the rest of the world. The second will quiz you on myriad topics related to British life, such as the Conservative Party, the proposed blood-sport ban, and popular reaction to the revaluation of homes for council tax purposes. The third will have some knowledge about Britain, but nothing acute.

You will be most safe in dealing with this third group, provided you are polite and suffer their curiosity. Do note, though: if dealing with people from the first group, do NOT act as if they are idiots. They will pick up on your condescension and deal with you accordingly. If dealing with people from the second group, do NOT tell them they are awfully smart for Americans. They will respond with an all-out attack, ranging from insulting your political leaders to mocking Britainís caste system. However, should you inadvertently insult your hosts, remember that four out of five Americans dislike and distrust the French Government. Hence, changing the subject to matters related to French foreign policy may prove a safe out. Proceed with caution, though, as pollsters report 20 pc of Americans still think France is our ally.

QUERY: thereís no accounting for taste

ANSWER: Preach it, brother.

QUERY: moral corruption

ANSWER: Yes, it IS that time for all the weird search queries, isnít it? Glad you brought it up, because the searches are weirder than ever this month.

QUERY: free sneezing porn

ANSWER: See what we mean?

QUERY: women bathing in custard

ANSWER: Good googly moogly. NO.

QUERY: hippie girls naked

ANSWER: Dude! Give it up already!

QUERY: naughty conversation starters for adults

ANSWER: Inform everyone at the party that Louie will soon be in attendance.

QUERY: crass consumerism college

ANSWER: Phew. Weíre back to the relatively normal searches.

Anyway, yes, college is rife with crass consumerism, as many students have lots of money but no bills. The fun part is that many students indulge in crass consumerism while professing to hate it. We are sorry, but if you want a simpler life, kids, you ought ditch the sport-utility vehicle which your folks gave you.

QUERY: should heirloom rings be given as engagement

ANSWER: We donít see anything wrong with this. After all, you are getting married, and if you can save yourself five thousand on the ring, thatís a real bonus.

QUERY: ben kepple role model

ANSWER: Oh, God Ė well, we do try, although the very prospect is scary.

QUERY: facts about ben kepple

ANSWER: Weíre two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with, if we do say so ourselves. Also we are useful to have at dinner parties.

QUERY: ben kepple pics

ANSWER: Um. Gee. Thatís somewhat flattering. Now might be a good time to remind readers (especially our single female readers) that we can be contacted at ben Ė at Ė benkepple Ė dot Ė com. Again, thatís ben Ė at Ė benkepple Ė dot Ė com.

QUERY: dreaming about ben

ANSWER: Really?

QUERY: nice guy not attracted to him

ANSWER: Donít worry, weíve very much gotten used to this. God Ė save Ė us.

Well, thatís it for this monthís edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next month, when we examine breakthroughs in food, the astonishing badness of Leonard, Part Six, and those GEICO auto-insurance commericals. Much good news to come, we can assure you. As for us, we're .... outta .... here.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 17, 2004 11:36 PM | TrackBack

Alas ours is still dominated by metrosexual, Janet Jackson's teet and er german cannibalism.

Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge at September 18, 2004 09:47 PM


Don't forget about Ishtar.

Posted by: simon from jersey at September 20, 2004 11:41 AM