August 29, 2004

As the Saying Had It: If Silence is Golden, They'd Be Bankrupt

Oh No!
It’s Time for Yet Another Installment of …

A Recurring Rant Feature

NOW THAT The Rant is becoming more popular, according to our Information Technology Department, we have noticed that an increasing number of visitors are arriving here via search engines. This phenomenon has allowed us to harvest a significant amount of data from these visitors, and concurrently enabled us to draw several conclusions about the American search-engine-using public at large.

Dear God in Heaven – what in hell goes through people’s minds when they enter these search terms? We know we are not the only blogger to encounter such things, but this is getting rather ridiculous. Anyway, here are a few of the things we have learned about this group of search-engine users:

Item. Many people who arrive at The Rant via search-engines appear to believe they can find vast quantities of high-quality sexually-explicit material here, and furthermore, receive this material for free. Our question is simple: what are these people thinking? We mean, come on. Aside from the fact we have no supply of such things, everyone knows that when there is a great demand for a given product or service, the supply will be priced accordingly – and that applies for these goods too. We do cede the possibility the search-engine users may simply be canny, but this is still ridiculous.

Item. Others who arrive at The Rant via search-engines appear to believe they will find "scoops" about how certain celebrities lost weight or otherwise achieved figures that in an earlier age were associated with those living at municipal poorhouses. They will find no such things here, as it is fundamentally impossible for the regular citizen to achieve similar results. For one thing, regular citizens do not have the luxury of time, something which popular entertainers can use to exercise and such. For another, regular citizens do not have the benefits of makeup artists, tailored clothing, fancy hairstylists, etc. etc. We do not mean to be cruel pointing these things out, only to suggest people’s drive for such things may be a negative externality arising from the celebrity-driven entertainment industry. So please stop worrying over such matters.

Item. Lastly, we would note that many people seem to arrive at The Rant over and over again using the same search queries, as if they thought we’d have something new and exciting even when we didn’t the last time. So, for those of you who KEEP LOOKING for information about “transformed organizational models” and “how far can I go on $40,000,” it’s NOT GOING TO BE HERE.

But enough. Let’s see what the 10 percent of our total visitors were looking for when they arrived here via search engines:

QUERY: sample legal client letters defamation

ANSWER: You know, it’s a serious offense to practice law without a license. To assist you in avoiding possible criminal penalties, though, here’s a quick little example:

Dear Mr Jones,

We were recently notified about your claims regarding our client, and your assertions as to his moral character and standing in the community. Furthermore, we wish to inform you that your statements (“Damned Lies”) have caused our client emotional distress, mental anguish, back pain, loss of consortium, and a wicked bad case of the gout.

As such, we write to inform you (“The Rotten Bastard”) our client has directed us to sue The Rotten Bastard at our earliest opportunity, unless The Rotten Bastard retracts his Damned Lies to our client’s neighbors, friends, and the television news crew to which The Rotten Bastard spoke. Furthermore, our client wishes for The Rotten Bastard to inform his relations and in-laws (“Scumbags”) to cease and desist from impugning our client’s integrity among residents in town.

We trust you will take appropriate action to rectify this unfortunate (“Avoidable”) matter in a timely fashion.


John Smith, Associate
Blood, Sweat, Tears & Phlegm, P.A.

QUERY: build condo land cost

ANSWER: Location, location, location. Dude. You should know that already.

QUERY: net worth mean distribution 2003

ANSWER: You want the median distribution. It’s a better statistical picture.

QUERY: investment blogspot

ANSWER: You’d now have to buy shares in Google (NASD: GOOG) -- *cough* -- to do that. If you’re willing to pay $100+ per share to do that, well, that’s your business.

QUERY: blogspot bandwidth what is

ANSWER: From our own experience ... well, we have not used the service in a year, so it may have changed.

QUERY: first class cabin lavatory

ANSWER: If you’re looking to join the Mile-High Club, you had best not do it on any flight on which we’re flying.

QUERY: wall street alpaca 2004

ANSWER: We don’t know why everyone is so interested in alpacas as an investment opportunity all of a sudden. They’re alpacas, for God’s sakes.

QUERY: utilitarian view on bribes

ANSWER: The utilitarian view on bribery is that it is a bad thing. Let us say that Employee A of Company B bribes Poor Corrupt Official C in the small Central Asian nation of Stanistan. This might be eventually uncovered some time down the line, in which case Federal Agency D (the Department of Justice) will make life living hell for Company B due to that pesky Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Therefore, we can see that bribery would be a most unfortunate course of action for any company official to consider if he is attempting to win business overseas. You’re going to have to do things the old-fashioned way and get a local partner, who will proceed to loot the enterprise and make lots of dubious commitments on your company’s behalf, for which you will still be footing the bill some two decades later..

QUERY: historic tulips bulbs

ANSWER: They’re tulips, for God’s sakes. We went through this once. Do you really want to start trouble in Holland again?

QUERY: labor shortage demography

ANSWER: This is so cool. Basically, in about ten years, all the baby boomers are going to start retiring, meaning a wonderful shortage of labor will result. As such, all of us young folks are going to make out like bandits.

QUERY: early to bed early to rise crap

ANSWER: No disagreement here, my friend.

QUERY: sacto volkswagen bugs for sell

ANSWER: Sale. S-A-L-E, sale. Aiya.

QUERY: what is mandatory retirement scheme?

ANSWER: How old are you? Sixty four? Well, buddy, you’re about to find out.

QUERY: dennett where am I?

ANSWER: Hey, if you don’t know, don’t look to us for any answers.

QUERY: serenading your girlfriend

ANSWER: You know, quite frankly, we can’t think this is a good idea. This goes especially if you are in high school and trying to think of great ways to impress your date. We would suggest that taking her to a restaurant where she could order, we don’t know, lobster or something, would work better.

QUERY: the torture scene in 2fast 2furious isn’t possible

ANSWER: Son, NOTHING in 2fast 2furious was possible.

QUERY: define acedic

ANSWER: Being in a state of acedia, that is, spiritual sloth. Great, great word.

QUERY: sexy female friend in dhaka

ANSWER: You like asking for trouble, don’t you?

QUERY: essays about impact of hotels logos in dubai

ANSWER: Drop the class. Drop it now.

QUERY: pittsburgh steelers america’s team

ANSWER: Right on.

QUERY: celebrities who are impulsive

ANSWER: Most of them, if the "news" reports are any guide.

QUERY: the lyrics to the chipmunks song things out there

ANSWER: It’s queries like this that make us fear for the safety of the Republic.

QUERY: why people enslaved in vices?

ANSWER: Why indeed? Personally, we believe it’s because the vices – which offer short-term happiness but long-term trouble – are easier to obtain than the long-term benefits of living a virtuous life.

QUERY: wicca spells to give me the powers of speed good hearing high jumps good fighting and fast healing.

ANSWER: There are two possible answers to your query. The first is that Mortal Kombat, no matter how fun, is just a game. The second is that these things may be possible, but only if you invoke Dieter, God of Health Club Membership Contracts. Sacrifice to him, on each Tuesday of every other month, mind you, the following: four raw carrots, one rose bush and an alpaca. In six months, or less, you will receive a letter which you must forward to ten of your friends or risk contracting the scabies.

QUERY: black spots on the ceiling

ANSWER: You might want to call your insurance company. That, or get mildew remover.

QUERY: i feel depressed because of the crucifixion

ANSWER: Understandable, but do recall that in the Christian tradition, there was a bright side to it.

QUERY: plastic surgery christians sin?

ANSWER: All depends on your personal motivations for having it. If you are having plastic surgery because of your own self-conceit or to get back at someone else or what not, then yes. If you want to feel better about yourself, then no.

QUERY: simon einspahr sick day

ANSWER: He’s over here.

QUERY: escorts kalamazoo

ANSWER: First we laughed at this. Then we realized it was theoretically possible, although not probable, that perhaps some of the students who attended our high school back in the day could have ended up in such a position. Now we are depressed.

QUERY: we’re not going to take it we are not going to take it anymore lyrics

ANSWER: This is a tough one.

QUERY: new haven best pizza in america

ANSWER: What are you, coked up? Everyone knows that the best pizza in America is in New York, if they like thin crust, or, if they like deep dish, Chicago.

QUERY: eighties movie featuring rejuvenated senior citizens

ANSWER: That would be “Red Dawn.”

QUERY: i worship celebrity

ANSWER: Get help.

QUERY: wormsley w. the white man will eat you!

ANSWER: OK, the questions are starting to get a bit weird.

QUERY: which auto company’s name is adapted from the latin word meaning i rolled?

ANSWER: That would be Mitsubishi.

QUERY: ugly nude playing cards

ANSWER: Oh dear.

QUERY: how to do a legal grind

ANSWER: Dip it low. Pick it up slow. Continue as directed. Now if you’ll excuse us, The Rant’s Standards Department has just sent us an angry memorandum.

QUERY: what age to teach children to use a gun?

ANSWER: This is a better question for someone with familiarity with weapons, as we not only do not own a weapon, we have never fired one.

QUERY: dear god we could use some good news right now

ANSWER: Couldn’t we, though?

QUERY: should a woman wear something under her white shirt?


QUERY: This is The Rant’s Standards Department. Please review Subject Matter Memoranda 14 through 16, which you authored last December, regarding prurient or otherwise objectionable content.

ANSWER: All right, all right, all right.

QUERY: office dress code short skirt

ANSWER: Do NOT wear a short skirt to the office. You are a professional, and as such, should endeavor to pursue your work without causing any distractions to your coworkers.

QUERY: The Rant’s Standards Department thanks you for your adherence to Subject Matter Memoranda 14 through 16.

ANSWER: You’re quite welcome. (Stupid corporate governance regulations – we’d fire these impertinent dullards if we had the chance, but NO, the Board – the Board! – said we needed them. But Bennnnnnnnn, we need internal controls, blah blah blah. Gad.)

QUERY: american life too hard

ANSWER: Of course it’s hard. You don’t want to end up like the Europeans, do you, with their economic stagnation and pension-system troubles? No, you do not. That would be bad.

QUERY: paris hilton starve

ANSWER: This sounds more like a request. Be nice!

QUERY: affair=moral turpitude?

ANSWER: Of COURSE it is, you pox-ridden layabout!

QUERY: americans are going to the polls on guy fawkes day

ANSWER: Yeah, but nobody in America remembers who Guy Fawkes was, so that’s not much of an issue, is it? Which reminds us – why is the day named after the guy who tried to destroy Parliament? Why not name the day after the guy who discovered the plot?

Well, that’s it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered! Tune in next month when we examine … well, more of the same, except we expect the queries will be even more outlandish and silly than ever before. It’s happened every month since we’ve had this thing, and we see no reason why it won’t continue. Until then, good luck and Godspeed. Or something.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at August 29, 2004 11:04 PM | TrackBack