August 05, 2004

A SPECIAL Your Search Engine Queries Answered!

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of...

A Recurring Rant Feature

BASED ON AMAZING feedback from readers to our previous installment of "Your Search Engine Queries Answered," we present a special SECOND monthly edition of this popular Rant Feature. Apparently, many of our readers just had to come back for more. So here goes:

QUERY: heather nauert

ANSWER: Out of your league.

QUERY: 1992 pimped out subaru legacy

ANSWER: He's pretty fly for a white guy, isn't he?

QUERY: notel motel

ANSWER: Hotel! Motel! Holi-day INN! We'll be back with more "Rap Music for Suburbanites" after these messages. We said a hip hop, the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, you don't stop, rock it out baby bubbah to the boogie -- da bang bang the boogie to the boogie da beat.

QUERY: moral turpitude examples

ANSWER: We happen to have some right here!

QUERY: public nudity

ANSWER: This, along with the search string 'sex actress,' is routinely among the top five searches which lead people to The Rant. Thus, we are the Internet equivalent of a really cold shower.

Ah, schadenfreude. It's such an awful thing -- but so great at the same time.

QUERY: southern california gangster girls naked

ANSWER: Observe the Aeon Flux fan, all grown up.

QUERY: greenspan porn

ANSWER: OK, now we just spewed an entire Diet Coke with Lime all over our keyboard. Time to move on!

Markets rose sharply yesterday as FOMC Chairman Alan Greenspan
testified before Congress about his weekend on Cialis.

QUERY: why does the automobile industry rely on just-in-time delivery in its manufacturing processes and wholesale/retail operations?

ANSWER: It worked for Toyota. Plus, it cuts down on unneccessary purchases, and as such keeps inventory costs to a minimum. However, there are also many added benefits for companies using the system, such as a dramatic improvement in product quality. For much more on the just-in-time inventory system, see this page from which we learned rather a lot.

QUERY: what does the acronym amscray mean

ANSWER: There's a little "X" button in the upper-right hand corner of your browser window. Click it, please.

QUERY: why is reality television bad

ANSWER: Have you watched any recently? Good God. We're still traumatized from when our brother exposed us to five minutes of "The Anna Nicole Smith Show." Apparently it's gotten even worse.

QUERY: why do we watch reality television

ANSWER: Beats the hell out of us why you do.

QUERY: amor omnia vincit

ANSWER: It's true. There is no greater civilizing force on earth than love -- power and money and learning pale in comparison to it. You know, it's almost as if love acts like a shield; it protects a man from his wretched earthly desires and keeps him focused on the things that matter. That's to say nothing of the ...

Oh! Sorry. Got lost there for a moment.

QUERY: rail thin and sexy

ANSWER: Mutually exclusive. We are sorry, but we're just not into the whole "Hi! I look like I'm a heroin addict!" thing.

QUERY: short skirt long jacket cake lyrics meaning analysis

ANSWER: Smart women rock.

QUERY: tallahassee popcorn popper rental

ANSWER: If you don't have the capital to buy the popcorn-popper outright, you are in serious financial straits.

QUERY: 10 places people would most likely to visit in manitoba

ANSWER: If you find one, do let us know.

QUERY: oregon is a weird state

ANSWER: Well, yeah.

QUERY: can spoilt milk make you sick

ANSWER: Maybe all those warning labels on electrical products, such as DO NOT USE UNDER RUNNING WATER, were designed for people like this.

QUERY: alpaca pyramid investment fraud

ANSWER: You invested in alpacas? Hmmmmm. Did we mention we're selling shares in Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant Inc.? Now listed on the London Stock Exchange's Alternative Investment Market!

QUERY: (name deleted) hedge fund

ANSWER: No whammies! NO WHAMMIES! -- STOP! -- Oh, dammit.

Hedge fund manager Ted Whammy goes to work as a customer watches.

QUERY: chipmunks song


QUERY: girl all the bad guys want review focus on the family

ANSWER: It's just a guess, but we're betting they didn't much care for it.

QUERY: mike tyson has the true spirit of christ

ANSWER: Homer Simpson said it best: "I'm a Spaulding Gray in a Rick Dees world!"

QUERY: hedgehogs log ramps belgian gates

ANSWER: It's either the weirdest eighth-grade science project America has ever seen, or the European Union is truly out of control.

QUERY: does society put too much emphasis on wealth

ANSWER: Of course it does. Why the devil do you think everyone is so concerned with what other people are making?

QUERY: spells to win the lottery

ANSWER: See what we mean? Here we have a person attempting to harness the evil forces of the spiritual world for shameless personal benefit. He will assuredly fail in this endeavor and get snickered at for owning patchouli.

QUERY: commercials are pornography for capitalism

ANSWER: Yeah, but the socialist pornography consists of television test patterns and movies where people get to enjoy decadent potatoes for meals, sometimes as much as three times per day.

QUERY: spell to win a lottary

ANSWER: Bad news. You lost.

QUERY: national spelling bee sermons

ANSWER: And lo! Clarence DID spell the word SERAPHIM and he DID win the Ernest Kringely Elementary School spelling bee in SIXTH grade. Then it was on to the REGIONALS, where he was summarily drummed out after misspelling the word MALLET. He misspelled it with an O. And the multitudes DID snicker at his distress and his physical CLUMSINESS, and he was NOT invited to join the FOOTBALL squad. Thus endeth the lesson.

QUERY: i broke off my engagement who get the ring

ANSWER: Not you.

QUERY: breaking up chest congestion

ANSWER: A really hot shower does wonders for this. Make sure to breathe in the steam; in fact, if you have a shower where you can blast the hot water without having to get in it, that works best. Spend a few minutes in it, but make sure you don't get overheated. Then hack all the phlegm out.

QUERY: volkswagen bus van nude

ANSWER: Dude. It's not the Seventies any more. Give it up.

QUERY: alderson federal prison photo

ANSWER: Whoa. Gee, and we thought we had problems.

QUERY: mercury sable overheating

ANSWER: It's either the fan or your radiator, although we suppose it could also be a coolant hose problem. Get it checked out before your car blows a gasket or something.

QUERY: gee our old lasalle ran great


QUERY: kangaroo meat taste like

ANSWER: Chicken.

QUERY: aware of one's heart beat

ANSWER: Yes, actually we are. It bounces around like a racquetball inside our chest, as someone once put it, due to our particularly horrible lifestyle.

QUERY: i want to be featured in ben kepple's next month's your search engine queries answered

ANSWER: Promptly dealing with our readers' concerns -- that's what we're all about here at Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant Inc. (A Bermuda Corporation)! Tune in next month when we address cable systems in Fond du Lac, Wis., whatever happened to Fiona Apple, and people who want to redecorate paneling.

Oh, God. We almost don't want to know.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at August 5, 2004 08:38 PM | TrackBack

You simply haven't lived until you've visited Portage-a-la-Prairie, Manitoba.

Posted by: Simon from Jersey at August 5, 2004 09:17 PM

OK. If someone can name TWO places in Manitoba to visit, please let me know!

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at August 5, 2004 11:05 PM

Don't MAKE me mention the International Peace Garden!!!!

Posted by: simon from jersey at August 6, 2004 09:20 AM

It straddles the border, that doesn't count!

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at August 6, 2004 10:18 AM


Posted by: Simon from Jersey at August 6, 2004 06:50 PM

Damn your geographical knowledge!

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at August 6, 2004 09:49 PM