August 03, 2004

Your Search Engine Queries Answered!

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...
YOUR SEARCH ENGINE QUERIES ANSWERED

A Recurring Rant Feature

YES, IT'S TIME AGAIN to provide Quick and Easy Enlightenment to those Rant readers who have arrived here via a search engine. Readers unfamiliar with this recurring feature, which we write about once a month, should know we provide this service regularly for these readers. And boy, you would not believe the searches we get -- for we can assure you all of these queries come from our actual search logs.

So let's have at it:

QUERY: dean esmay

ANSWER: He would be over here. That said, on your way out, please pick up a copy of Form 1252, Explanation for Why You Came to The Rant When It Was Much Easier to Go to Someone Else's Site in the First Place.

QUERY: fingernail strengthening

ANSWER: Hoo boy, they're getting weird on us already. Ah, gee -- fingernail strengthening -- Gad. Um. Get one of those mini treadmill things like they have in the Bud Light commercials, and you'll be set.

QUERY: emoticon burglar

ANSWER: Good God! They've taken all the smiley faces! THEY'VE TAKEN ALL THE SMILEY FACES! Jenkins! Sound the alarm! Stone! Man the helicopters! We're facing Threat Level One! We've got to ...

...oh, wait. They fell down behind the desk. Never mind, everybody.

QUERY: magnet therapy for lumber spondylosis

ANSWER: It sounds like it'll take a lot more than some frickin' magnets.

QUERY: what were they thinking stupid names celebrities give their children

ANSWER: We don't know either.

QUERY: i need a woman in london to marry as my life partner with their e mail address name in 2004

ANSWER: You need analysis.

QUERY: reduce man breasts

ANSWER: Jogging! It's the wave of the future! On the other hand, if you actually do have a hormonal imbalance, you'll want to talk with your doctor.

QUERY: utilitarian views of interoffice dating

ANSWER: The utilitarian view regarding dating coworkers is that it would be a bad thing. This is because Party A (the man) and Party B (the woman) could enter into a relationship, and decrease their usefulness to the corporation as a whole. Then, when the relationship eventually collapsed, it would reduce the usefulness of Parties A and B to practically nil, making coworkers C through F angry and frustrated about doing their work. There is also the potential that Party G (the Equal Employment Oppportunity Commission), Party L (a practicing attorney) and Party M (a federal mediator) could get involved, which would have severe consequences for the corporation. Therefore, we can see the utilitarian view of dating coworkers is that it is to be strongly discouraged.

That said, when did strict utilitarians start getting dates?

QUERY: mcdonalds fiesta salad calorie content

ANSWER: Here's a hint. It has taco meat and sour cream. Get the grilled chicken caesar salad instead. And no croutons!

QUERY: who did ali landry marry?

ANSWER: A bum.

QUERY: effects on the american economy when jobs are lost

ANSWER: Well, they're not good.

QUERY: brian kutztown raccoon

ANSWER: We don't want to know.

QUERY: midriff in the office

ANSWER: Cover it.

QUERY: wedding reception boxed wine

ANSWER: Please be advised that under the laws and statutes of certain States, serving boxed wine at a wedding reception does free the brother-in-law from any legal consequences stemming from his subsequent debauchery and violence against the other guests. However, you may wish to also upgrade your umbrella liability-insurance policy as a result.

QUERY: tax implication futures trading

ANSWER: Well, at least you'll have losses to counter-balance any potential gains.

QUERY: scots invention double entry bookkeeping

ANSWER: The Italians invented it. Luca Pacioli, 1494.

QUERY: threaten neighbor with gun

ANSWER: Not a good idea.

QUERY: how to live on $40 000. per year?

ANSWER: You'd be surprised how easy it is. In fact, millions upon millions of American families live on even less per annum. That said, if you live in a city, learn how to cook pasta.

QUERY: dating a journalist

ANSWER: We at The Rant are experts in this field, and we can assure you that all journalists are witty, smart, handsome and potentially wealthy mates. For more information on dating journalists, write us at ben-at-benkepple-dot-com. Heck, to date a journalist, write us at ben-at-benkepple-dot-com. Again, that's ben-at-benkepple-dot-com.

QUERY: is retirement suppose to be fun?

ANSWER: God, we hope so.

QUERY: utilitarian perspective on non smoking laws

ANSWER: The utilitarian view on non-smoking laws is that they are a good thing, as it gives justification for utilitarians to be preachy and annoying towards smokers.

QUERY: smoking cessation vacation

ANSWER: Take at least two weeks. You'll need it just to sweat all the nicotine out of your system. But beware the dreaded side effects, such as being happy, sad and angry all at the same time.

QUERY: kordell stewart s hail mary vs. michigan

ANSWER: Why don't you go to hell?

QUERY: jennifer lopez s foot sexy arches

ANSWER: What the ... how? HOW did you arrive here at The Rant with a search like that?!

QUERY: this quiet earth movie

ANSWER: We liked it! Good good foreign film.

QUERY: nudity in american culture -porn -escorts -hot -racy

ANSWER: Observe the graduate student, and pity him.

QUERY: transubstantiation and carbs

ANSWER: The Body of Christ, as far as we know, is perfectly acceptable under all forms of no- and low-carbohydrate diets.

QUERY: great places to live kalamazoo

ANSWER: We're sorry. You've entered a logical paradox that our system cannot reconcile. Please try again.

QUERY: sale of the beverage champale in the atlanta georgia area

ANSWER: Oh, God. Champale. Folks, if you knew what this stuff is, you'd be as concerned as we are about this entry.

QUERY: christians saying gosh

ANSWER: It's acceptable. Trust us.

QUERY: ben kepple getting his head cut off

ANSWER: Ah .... hooo boy. Uh. Gee. That really is in the log file. Fortunately, however, we know full well there is no way this malcontent can get through The Rant's triple-redundant office security system and our heavily-armed security squads!

Well, that's it for this edition of Your Search Engine Queries Answered. Tune in next time when we look at alpaca pyramid investment frauds, fault lines in Wisconsin, and why anyone would engage in a "rent-to-own" transaction over a popcorn popper in Tennessee. In the meantime, we're going to hide underneath our desk.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at August 3, 2004 01:35 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Dude,

I can't believe someone actually wanted to know about CHAMPALE!! Good God!

You know the Champale factory is in Trenton?

Trenton Makes, The World Shakes.

Posted by: simon from jersey at August 3, 2004 10:56 AM

Simon,

I did not know that. Heh.

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at August 3, 2004 07:53 PM

"magnet therapy for lumber spondylosis"

The envirofreaks are putting magnets on trees? I wasn't aware that plants could get back pain. Unless they meant lumbar...

Posted by: john at August 5, 2004 11:48 AM