July 12, 2004

Dear God, No!

Oh No!
It's Time for Yet Another Installment of ...


OK, FINE. So the creative brain trust behind the "Police Academy" franchise has only announced that an eighth "Police Academy" movie is in the works. So the movie will not actually hit theatres for months or years. So the film could, in theory, prove a hit with the God-fearing American Public.

We don't care.

For let's face it: the likelihood of "Police Academy 8" proving to be an enjoyable film is on par with the Juche Idea being accepted as a workable form of Government. Consider: these movies were so bad that Steve Guttenberg could only stomach appearing in four of them. Consider: these movies were so bad that Bobcat Goldthwait was the real star in several. And if that's not enough, consider this reportedly-true line in the DVD set's commentary, which writer G. Noel Gross noticed: "Hello, this is Michael Winslow from Police Academy one through infinity, and I could sure use a JOB right about now!"

Well, Mr Winslow apparently isn't alone. Consider these chilling words from the man behind "Police Academy," taken from a Reuters news agency report.

"I felt it was time to start again," said series creator Paul Maslansky. "I saw that 'Starsky & Hutch' and a number of other revivals were doing really well. 'Police Academy' has such a great history. I thought, 'Why not?"

According to Maslansky, who will serve as an executive producer, the talent from the first seven features has expressed a keen interest in the revival, with Maslansky looking to combine both new and the "original talent" for the next "Police Academy."

"We became very much like a family," he said. "It's is very unusual to have seven films with virtually all the same major cast."

Now, we have to give Mr Maslansky some grudging credit -- after all, he fully admits in the cited passage that his sole aim is to make money from his franchise. As a capitalist, we admire this, and we acknowledge his right to do as he pleases in that regard.

That said, we would submit there are some things in this world people ought not do. Making an eighth "Police Academy" movie has to be up on that list.

We mean, these movies wrecked the careers of pretty much the entire cast -- when was the last time you saw Tim Kazurinsky in anything? And the whole schtick with Sgt Jones doing the impressions? That was funny once, when he ruined that professorial type's date in the restaurant. It's not funny any more. It's dead, gone, buried, hit the showers, pushing up the daisies and thoroughly shot.

God. You know, we were going to write up a faux plot for "Police Academy 8," but we're so disgusted we're not even going to do that. Besides, you all know how it would turn out anyway. There would be a not-so-thrilling opening scene, in which some sort of crime took place. Then a high-ranking officer would scream at Mahoney. Then there would be zany hijinks involving Jones, Hightower or Sweetchuck, which would end with a high-ranking officer screaming at Mahoney. Then Mahoney, or his sap designate, would end up two steps away from being cashiered, so the rest of the gang would have to save the day. Cut to a happy yet not all that funny ending.

We would submit the American Film-Going Public cannot stomach an eighth variation on this very, very bad theme. Therefore, we call upon Mr Maslansky to please cease and desist from this craven scheme, and return to making documentaries or whatever it is he does now. Please. We're beggin' ya.

(link via Ben Domenech)

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at July 12, 2004 10:15 PM | TrackBack

Dude, I'm sorry, this will be so culturally repugnant and tasteless, I HAVE to see it!

I'm there.

Posted by: simon at July 13, 2004 12:18 AM

Sweet mother of God, Ben, I hope this is some kind of joke.

Posted by: Geoff Brown at July 13, 2004 08:38 AM


It's no joke. God help us all!



There can't be anything more officially scrub than going to see Police Academy Eight.

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at July 13, 2004 06:24 PM

I submit to the jury.....


Posted by: simon from jersey at July 14, 2004 09:25 AM

Eh, I don't know, man. Leonard Part Six is bad, but it's the bad we all know. PA 8 has the potential to be far, far worse.

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at July 14, 2004 09:33 AM

Which is exactly why we both know we'll see it.

Posted by: simon from jersey at July 14, 2004 01:35 PM

Well, yeah. But if I DO go see it, it will convey that I haven't a shred of dignity left.

When was it due for release again?

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at July 14, 2004 07:21 PM

This no longer involves dignity or character, Ben. We MUST see this heinous piece of garbage, because it will no doubt be one of the most unintentionally funny things ever, at least, not in the manner in which the script hopes for. Imagine a bloated, years-out-of-work Steve Guttenberg clawing for every last scrap at the bottom of his own personal barrel of washed out pride. At least HE HAD other roles. Some of the fringe "specialty" characters are in even deeper.

I cannot wait for this fifth to be put out to pasture. It will be worth it just to see the look on the ticket booth worker's face when I say, smiling, "One for Police Academy 8, please."

It's a bit insulting to me, Ben, that you even try to pretend you aren't secretly looking forward to this.

Even with the tripe passing for Reality TV these days, Mankind may never, ever be the same after this gets released.

Alright, I'm done............

Posted by: simon from jersey at July 15, 2004 05:22 PM


Just because I'll go see it and (admittedly) have fun beating up on it does NOT mean the movie should be made. On the other hand, if it happens to be unintentionally funny -- well, that'll be like a bonus, won't it?

As an aside, I don't think a starring role in "Short Circuit" ought count as real work, at least not in the grand scheme of things.

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at July 15, 2004 06:22 PM

Also, think about the legions of die-hard Police Academy fans who will go see this movie and inevitably be disappointed -- the true believers, if you will. Dozens upon dozens of people could be at risk!

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at July 15, 2004 06:24 PM

While I'm thinking about it, I think we should definitely plan to be in the same area when this is released. After all, this would be like some kind of Key Scrubness Highlight.

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at July 15, 2004 06:26 PM

Well Ben, the good news seems to be that the world will be safe from this until 2006 (according to the IMDb.com).

One can only hope the nostalgia for this type of thing (Starsky & Hutch, Charlie's Angels, etc) has worn off by then, making the release as ill-timed as it already is ill-advised.

Posted by: simon from jersey at July 16, 2004 01:00 PM

Actually, one can also only hope the release of this lead balloon will coincide with our journey into the heartland of America. We could see it in some random place like Cheyenne, WY.


Posted by: simon from jersey at July 16, 2004 01:02 PM

Better yet, the hometown of one of the actors....Maybe they'll have some sort of small town celebration.

God that would be sweet.

Posted by: simon from jersey at July 16, 2004 01:08 PM

You know, we could plan our trip accordingly to coincide with the release.

But just FYI, according to IMDB, Michael Winslow is from Spokane, Wash. *Spokane*. Kazurinsky is from Johnstown, Pa. One of these two places WILL have a small-town celebration.

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