May 26, 2004

On the Straight and Narrow Highway, a Directing Sign is Found

Oh No!
It's Time for Another Installment of ...
YOUR SEARCH ENGINE QUERIES ANSWERED

A Recurring Rant Feature

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YES, IT'S TIME AGAIN to provide Quick and Easy Enlightenment to those Rant readers who have arrived here via a search engine. Readers unfamiliar with this recurring feature, which we write about once a month, should know we provide this as a service to readers who inquire about varied topics. For these folks, it's a reflecting sign which they can let shine within their mind, showing them the colors that are real.

OK, so we don't know exactly what that means. But our marketing people said using that phrase would prove we're "far out" and "with it." Anyway, let's let the spinning wheel spin, shall we?

QUERY: michelle duggar

ANSWER: We would direct readers to our entry from April 9 about the Duggars of Springdale, Ark. Apparently they now have fifteen children, and still want more.

QUERY: public nudity

ANSWER: For the last time, we most certainly do NOT have anything related to that here. We have every intention of keeping our site safe for God-fearing Americans who visit during their lunch hours, or what was their lunch hour before work forced them to eat at their desks.

QUERY: random knowledge

ANSWER: We can't believe we're the 15th site on Google for this term. On the other hand, our post about random knowledge is certainly random knowledge indeed, as nobody remembers John Law anymore.

QUERY: mohawk hairstyles

ANSWER: Ah, yes! Reminds us of our college days!

QUERY: britney spears not a good role model

ANSWER: Yes, but what's your point?

QUERY: right inner tie-rod failing on a 1992 taurus problem

ANSWER: It'll run you $200 and take about three hours to have it fixed. You'll find they generally crap out about every 100,000 miles or so.

QUERY: americans want to rule the world

ANSWER: EV'-RY-BO-DY ... wants to rule the world. That said: no, we bloody well don't. If Americans had wanted to rule the world, we wouldn't have given back the Philippines, now would we?

QUERY: what type of clothes do they wear in the united kingdom

ANSWER: According to this excellent guide book we just bought, the proper Englishman wears a frock coat, a grass skirt, and one of those big giant buffalo hats. Also, remember that when visiting Britain, it is "good form" to compliment the locals on their excellent English, and to make loud and snarky remarks in the pubs about gasoline prices. The stuff costs nearly $7 per gallon at present exchange rates, you see.

What d'you mean, the book's wrong? It's got a Hungarian-English phrase guide and everything!

I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

QUERY: why cant you pump your own gas in new jersey?

ANSWER: Drumthwacket.

QUERY: gucci wholesale ... wait, what?

ANSWER: No, really. Drumthwacket.

QUERY: Oh. Back in 1949.

ANSWER: Ayuh.

QUERY: Thanks. Anyway ... his brainchild now consorts with the bad buys

ANSWER: That would be the pets.com sock puppet.

QUERY: teaching jobs for canadians in turks and caicos

ANSWER: Keep dreaming!

QUERY: what happen in singapore on 28 september 2003

ANSWER: Somewhere, someone got a really large fine.

QUERY: cruel greeting cards honest for sale ex lover

ANSWER: Tell the next person you date about this. They're going to need to guard against freezer burn.

QUERY: jennifer lopez nude in gigli

ANSWER: That would have earned it at least a half-star.

QUERY: 18 liter wine box

ANSWER: You know, if you splurge on the fancy stuff, you'll find it's made from grapes.

QUERY: negative net worth mortgage

ANSWER: Ouch.

QUERY: sample dunning letter from attorneys

ANSWER: Face it, you're going to have to actually hire counsel to represent you in that nasty business involving you, your lawn mower, the neighbor's kid and that very large rock in the yard. Of course, the fact folks are all calling it the "Mikey Smith tragedy" isn't helping matters.

QUERY: why we should not judge people by their clothes

ANSWER: You don't sound like the type who needs to read the answer, but here it is: judging one's friends on the clothes they wear is just foolish; and in terms of choosing a romantic partner, it is again generally unhelpful, given that one wants to ascertain the heart and soul of a potential mate. On the other hand, in business, one should pay acute attention to such things. That is not so much an issue of clothing; after all, con men dress very well. But with just a few seemingly-innocent questions, one can separate out the serious contenders from the intellectual lightweights.

QUERY: argentine bonds prospectus

ANSWER: See what we mean?

QUERY: legal grind la

ANSWER: It's on Lincoln Boulevard, but in Santa Monica, not Los Angeles, if we recall correctly. Offers both good coffee and reasonably-priced legal services. Quite frankly, we're surprised no one in California dreamed up such a concept before.

QUERY: brittany murphy weighs 90

ANSWER: Who's Brittany Murphy? For that matter, if we even knew who Brittany Murphy was, how would we know ... OK, we just did a Google image search. Gad. Well, we certainly can't speak as to her weight, but she is awfully thin. Perhaps it's just us, but we just don't find that look very attractive.

QUERY: land war asia macarthur -sicilian -sicilan

ANSWER: You didn't find what you were looking for here? Inconceivable!

QUERY: where is capitalism not found

ANSWER: Europe?

QUERY: blogspot no longer working

ANSWER: Oh, we know that feeling.

QUERY: yankees suck song lyrics

ANSWER: Whoa-whoa-whoa. YANKEES SUCK! Whoa-whoa-whoa. YANKEES SUCK! Gotta love it.

Well, that's it for this edition of "Your Search Engine Queries Answered," a regular Rant feature. Tune in next month for more amazing searches which actually brought people here to The Rant -- for if this month was any indication, next month's going to be a real lulu.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at May 26, 2004 11:32 PM | TrackBack