February 23, 2004

If They Called it European Kim Chi ...

... WE SUBMIT FOLKS would generally eat more sauerkraut than they do now. Of course, sauerkraut is not as flavorful as kim chi, but it is still something that can be enjoyed provided one gets used to the stuff.

On the other hand, there are times when people go too far in this regard.

No, really. When we say "too far," we mean too far. Too far as in, "That ain't right" too far. Too far as in, "Lileks could write a sequel based on this" too far. You see, we have discovered that some madman has developed a recipe which puts sauerkraut in chicken parmesan.

Yes! For between the chicken and the tomato sauce and -- oh God -- the parmesan and mozzarella cheese -- one must layer fourteen ounces of sauerkraut. We don't know about you, but the idea of sauerkraut co-existing with mozzarella cheese is enough to turn even our stomach. Good God. It's appalling -- it's monstrous -- it's ghastly!

Unsurprisingly, no one took credit for this meisterwerk, which leads us to the only possible conclusion. Namely, that late in the Second World War, an evil Nazi chef dreamed this up to get back at the Italians for overthrowing Mussolini. Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough, look at this recipe for the so-called Happy Hour Pie. Marshmallows, yes ... Oreo cookies, yes .... fourteen ounces of sauerkraut ... pass the whiskey. The whole frickin' bottle.

We won't even discuss the submitted recipe for sauerkraut Jell-O, except to say: Mr Lileks, there's a gold mine out there.

Moving on, though, we have found that it's not just sauerkraut which falls victim to such gastronomical foul play. Even simple things like eggs can be ruined, as we see with this recipe description: "Enjoy these pickled eggs with a rosy complexion courtesy of beet juice."

We don't know about you, but we don't see any enjoyment coming from a meal described with the phrases "pickled eggs" and "courtesy of beet juice."

But that's not all. We were further quite disturbed to learn that recipes still exist for meals which contain potted meat, such as this recipe for potted meat and egg sandwiches.

Oh, sure, it might not be a bad idea to have this reference on file. One never knows if the whole of society will collapse beyond repair in some cataclysmic event. One never knows if a hole in the fabric of space-time will transport one back to 1895. But these recipes are being put forward as if the writers actually expected people to make them given our unprecedented prosperity ...

Sorry. We just can't go on. And we're sorry if you were eating lunch at the computer and had to read this entry and now you're feeling queasy and you won't finish your essay/ get the contract signed / close the Winkler account / and so on because of it. But this was just wrong on so many levels.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at February 23, 2004 11:15 PM | TrackBack

I love pickled eggs!! We grew up with pickled eggs. Grandpap would grow the beets, the best you could ever hope to eat - very tender. Some of the beets were boiled, then peeled, buttered and salted, and brought to the table. But then we also mixed beet juice with vinegar, salt, and probably a little sugar. Into this went the hard boiled eggs, left to sit until they turned - yes- beet red! Served cold with a shaker of salt handy and some good bread - yum! I am not teasing either - a delight. However, I do not like Harvard beets - nasty! I think pickled eggs are a Pennsylvania thing - probably with a Pennsylvania Dutch origin (Amish). Love, Cousin Jannie

Posted by: Cousin Jannie at February 24, 2004 09:28 AM

Forgot to mention that Grandma sent me off to school EVERY day with a potted meat sandwich! It got a little rough sometimes! - cj

Posted by: cousin jannie at February 24, 2004 09:31 AM

Eeewww. That's a *horrid* thing to do to poor defenseless Oreos. (00)

You could make an entire Gallery of Inedible Foods just from the recipes on that site.

Posted by: Ironbear at February 26, 2004 01:07 AM