February 10, 2004

Rant Endorses Call v. Oversexed Imbecility

HAMILTON, Bermuda -- Benjamin Kepple Inc., a privately-held corporation which produces Internet commentary, has today issued an endorsement for an Internet-led boycott of the Music Television (MTV) network:

"The Company strongly encourages all honest and hard-working people to join this good and just action," chief executive Benjamin Kepple said during a conference call at the firm's headquarters. "We mean, really. We are sick and tired of being sick and tired of not finding anything to watch on the damned channel, and as such we refuse to watch it any further."

"Apparently, it's too much to ask for the shows aired on this miserable outlet to reflect any shred of intelligence, decency, or artistic merit," Kepple said. "Gad. Look, we're not asking for 'Masterpiece Theatre' here -- we'd just like a show that caters somewhat to thinking human beings."

"All we have now are shows that feature the spoilt offspring of classless nouveaux riches, spendthrift musicians who waste their money on depreciable assets, oversexed newly-weds who act as if they're intellectually enfeebled, and worst of all, shows that highlight the antics of sub-literate young people given the chance to live rent-free in a 'pimped-out crib.' We think this is appalling and gauche," Kepple continued. "As key members of the 18-34 male demographic, The Company's executive staff would ask that MTV set aside 30 minutes of its daily programming to feature persons, either real or portrayed by actors, who are of average or above-average education and/or intelligence."

"Music would be nice too," Kepple added.

Among the other requests made by Benjamin Kepple Inc.'s executive staff:

* "The Real World" should have at least one character who has a background as an accountant or certified financial planner.
* Arguments on shows over popular-culture, sex, or other taboo issues should be replaced with arguments on the future of America's retirement system, the state of the nation's current account-deficit, or tort law.
* Images of wealth should be countered with informational statements from young professionals informing viewers about the usual ways one builds wealth. Barring this, the stars should be forced to read Jacob Riis' "How the Other Half Lives."

The move by Benjamin Kepple Inc., a firm which turned private when its formerly high-flying stock was delisted after the collapse of the "tech bubble," is expected to cause tiny ripples of agreement and discontent in the extremely-competitive personal-content publishing sector.

However, analysts were cautious as to the impact which the move would have on the firm's customers -- or the firm itself.

"We think most 'readers,' as they are known in the industry, will already agree with Kepple's stance, and they're probably not watching MTV either," said Charles Wapnard, an analyst with Closet Indexer Investments, a New York-based mutual fund company. "However, I do think some could heed the call, and certainly growth for Kepple's operations cannot be ruled out in its wake."

Others held dissenting views.

"Don't tell me they're going on about that Super Bowl stuff again," said Tad O. Payne, an analyst with Covered, Calls and Praying, a Chicago-based hedge fund operator. "It's -- been -- done. It's a disaster in the works, I'm telling you. This could have a heavy negative impact on the firm's underlying performance."

However, company officials rebutted such criticism.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh," Kepple said in a high-pitched, mocking tone. "Tad O. Payne says it's a disaster in the making."

"Well, listen up, chump," Kepple growled, "We're confident in our strategies, and sure they'll succeed when all is said and done. Furthermore, we have plenty of new product lines to trot out in the event MTV turns into American Bandstand, don't you worry. In the meantime, we're confident this is an extreme, and folks like Tad O. Payne of fancy-schmancy Covered Calls always get it when there's extremes."

Benjamin Kepple Inc., a Bermuda-based corporation, is the parent company of Benjamin Kepple's Daily Rant, an Internet personal-content publishing concern. It has offices in New Hampshire, Grand Cayman, and Chennai, India.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at February 10, 2004 01:25 AM | TrackBack

I am joining in your inspired call to boycott the MTV channel. However, does this apply to the VHS sister networks? I kind of like to watch their stuff from the 60's and 70's.

Posted by: Swammi in Solon at February 10, 2004 08:57 AM

Nah -- no one appears to have any major issues with VH1. Yet.

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at February 10, 2004 07:27 PM

Here here! *cheers erupt from the 'readers,' as they are known in the industry* ;]

Radio Free Ironbear hereby endorses your boycott, and agrees. Ummmm.. one quibble: where will MTV find anyone in it's stable of "actors" who can manage to portray someone of average or above-average intelligence?

Posted by: Ironbear at February 19, 2004 10:31 PM

Ironbear: That may indeed prove quite difficult, mightn't it?

Posted by: Benjamin Kepple at February 20, 2004 12:09 AM

Why yes, it soitanly might, Ben. ;]

Man... even tongue in cheek as you put it, I'm still in agreement. I've pretty muchly given up on Hollywood and the various networks as far as their ability to create something that even vaguely resembles entertainment.

I suspect possibly that we're too old: we actually remember things like "movies", and "actors", and "talent", and "story", and even *gasp* real music.

Posted by: Ironbear at February 20, 2004 05:07 PM