January 04, 2004

All's Fair in Love and Business

Markets Stable After Britney Marriage, Analysts Say
Financial Rant

NEW YORK -- Equity analysts breathed a sigh of relief upon learning that musician Britney Spears had her marriage to a childhood friend annulled hours after the fact.

The analysts warned that Spears' marriage, performed with no advance warning whatsoever, would have likely caused panic among her fans in the crucial 14-35 male demographic. Had the marriage not been annulled, the shock wave from the news could have sent tremors through an already reeling music industry.

"Dear God," said Peter Boingo, who covers the music industry for Broad & Hanover Global Hedge Pluton PLLC. "Can you imagine what would have happened if she had done this on a Tuesday afternoon? Cats and dogs living together, my friend."

"I know at least six guys who have naked calls riding on equities in the industry -- don't ask me why, but they do -- and they've taken enough Pepto-Bismol to push PG over consenus already. BAY's not doing too bad either, I'll bet," Boingo continued.

"What? Options? We're not even going to go there," he added.

Respected consulting firms CLM Cyclosis Inc. and Chinese Wall Zombie Bond LLC also weighed in on how Britney's marriage, and thus her career, could have affected the industry:

"Thank God that crisis was averted," said CLM Cyclosis analyst Martin Hypsisicle, who faced the prospect of having to cancel his Aruba vacation upon learning the news. "The last thing we needed was for a major upheaval like this to take place in the industry. But, fortunately, all is now well."

"No, really," Hypsisicle said. "All is well. In fact, there may be a considerable upside to the whole scheme, as attention will again be diverted away from the music industry's underlying long-run troubles, such as the fact it has yet to figure out how to stop the young people from stealing their music.

"While a remote possibility, one could even say the industry's long-run troubles could be Keynesian in magnitude -- if you know what I mean," Hypsisicle said.

Hypsisicle's counterpart at Chinese Wall Zombie Bond, however, downplayed such dire thinking.

"Clearly, we wish Ms Spears all the possible success for which she could hope for on the romantic front," said Yancey Porous, the firm's music analyst. "We also believe an eventual marriage of Ms Spears and retirement at some future date will be eventually priced into the industry. That said, we really didn't appreciate the surprise and sudden nature of the event. (Research assistant) Doug (Wormsley) was crying his eyes out."

"However, we believe that cooler heads have prevailed, and that all concerned now have a renewed importance on just how serious marriage is in terms of both a personal and societal commitment," Porous said.

(via Oliver Willis)

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at January 4, 2004 10:47 PM | TrackBack

Very clever, Mr. Kepple.

Posted by: Allison at January 5, 2004 10:15 AM

Heh. You've made me chuckle with that graph. Bonus points are due.

Posted by: James at January 5, 2004 10:45 PM